On The Brink
by writeonkay
Summary: It's been two whole years since James left for New York, leaving his family, friends, and quite possibly the love of his life behind. New York changed a lot about him, it was good to him, got him into school, let him meet a girl he was ready to marry. It put him on his feet. But going home for the wedding, knowing he'll be faced with all he left behind, it's got his world shaking.
1. Chapter 1

_**A/N; So hi! I haven't written fanfiction in so long, oh my goodness. Typically what I write is Glee stuff, too, so this is a little new for me, but I was feeling inspired so I thought I would give it a shot.**_

_**James has been ruining lives by being in wedding pictures lately, so that kind of spurred on the whole marriage idea that goes on in this, but I needed some Jagan fanfic in my life and I felt like writing. It's mostly AU, as you'll probably be able to tell, but I am kind of incorporating a few show-verse things in, like them being from Minnesota originally, certain characters you'll notice, and some little details later on, too.**_

_**Hopefully ya'll like it! :))**_

_**-Kay.**_

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**Chapter 1-**

"Baby, are you ready to go?"

Running a hand down over his face, James blew out a sigh. Was he sure this was a good idea? Sure, he wanted his mom around for this whole pre-wedding thing, but getting married _in_ Minnesota instead of having the woman come out to New York for it? Grace had been so willing, happy even, to have the wedding in Minnesota, too, mostly because she thought it was what James wanted. And a part of him did. A part of him was glad that he was getting to go back home, back where he grew up, to tie the knot with the girl he had spent the last year and a half dating. However, there was also another part of him that thought it was a terrible idea, because going back home and getting married there meant that everyone he knew before would be there, all of his friends. Including Logan.

Kendall and Carlos he wasn't so scared of seeing, because he saw them and talked to them all the time anyway. Kendall would come out to New York because The Wild had a game in the city that week and he used it as an excuse to drag James to a game. They always had a couple beers, pretended to act like they were cheering for opposite teams even though James knew he could never really give up on his favorite Minnesota hockey team, no matter how long he had been living in the city for. Carlos visited every once in a while, too, but even less than Kendall did. James made it a point to stay in touch with them, though, because they were his best friends. Logan, though...

"James?"

James quickly let a smile work its way onto his face as he turned toward his blonde fiancé, standing in their bedroom doorway, "Yeah, I'm almost good to go."

Grace returned his smile and made her way over to where he was hunched over, zipping up his suitcase. Her fingers on the back of his neck caused him to stiffen momentarily, his anxiety on a high, but he breathed out and turned his head to look at her. One of the things about Grace was she seemed to be perceptive enough to know when something was wrong with him. Maybe it had to do with knowing each other for over two years. She was looking at him carefully, raising an eyebrow in question.

"Are you sure you're okay? You've been acting weird ever since you got up this morning." She noted.

One of the things that James had gotten good at in years past was putting on a happy face even if he wasn't feeling it one hundred percent. For the sake of the girl standing beside him, he did that now, nodding and giving her a dazzling, toothy grin.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm great. Just not looking forward to flying is all." he made up.

"I promise the close proximity won't damage you at all." Grace laughed lightly.

She stood up on her toes to press a kiss to his temple and he chuckled quietly for effect. The last thing he was worried about damaging him in any way was being in a cramped airplane...

The flight wasn't that long, or maybe it just wasn't long enough for James's liking. He felt like he needed more time to prepare. In reality he was probably thinking on it too much, worrying more than necessary, but he couldn't help himself. Seeing his mom and Kendall and Carlos again, that would be great. It was seeing Logan that had him panicking. A lifetime ago, it seemed, it was a lifetime ago that James had last even seen Logan in person, and the last time they'd seen each other hadn't been a particularly happy occasion either. James knew it was his fault, even if he wouldn't ever admit it out loud. He had let their secret flings go on for too long, but every time he started to think about maybe actually being with Logan and telling people about them, he freaked out. Logan wanted more and James couldn't give it to him.

It had been another night that they had spent together, lying on the floor -because they hadn't even been able to wait til they got to the bed- in Logan's dorm room at the time, just 19 and 20. Logan's head was rested on James's bare chest, his finger tracing shapes idly onto tan skin. It was in that moment, not unlike other moments they had had together after having sex, where it was quiet and peaceful, and neither of them had to say anything because they knew they could just be there with each other without the words. But Logan had had something to say that night. Three words. Eight letters. And James couldn't say it back. Not because he didn't love Logan, because he was pretty damn sure there wasn't another person in the world that he loved that much, but it terrified him to say it. He didn't know what it would mean for them. Logan was his best friend, he couldn't screw that up. Of course, it had happened anyway, and in a much harsher manner than James would have ever wanted anyway.

The day after that night, James had decided that staying in Minnesota wasn't for him. He like the idea of living in a city packed with people, of having people always around and keeping busy, and distracting him from what was going on in his head -which many people didn't think was a lot, but yeah, there was definitely a lot going on up there. He wasn't doing anything but working, school not his thing, so he didn't see why going somewhere else for a change would be a bad thing. New York, he had decided. Big city, lots to do, lots of options. When he had told the guys, Logan had seemed to be the only one not ecstatic for him and his want to make a life for himself. It erupted into an argument that lasted long after Kendall and Carlos had left after their video game bonding time. Logan had begged, repeatedly for James not to leave to the city, pleaded with him and asked him why he had to go, if it had anything to do with him -which of course James denied.

"You can't go, we've never been apart from each other." Logan had said.

After that was probably the moment that James had made one of the biggest mistakes in his life, snapping angrily at the other boy, "Well maybe we need to be."

That was the last time he had spoken to Logan. Two and half years ago. Now here was James, 22 years old, engaged to a girl he had quite literally run into on a tour of NYC's campus not long after he had first moved to the city. He liked Grace, loved her even otherwise he wouldn't have thought to ask her to marry him after a year of being together, but there was always something in the back of his mind, some nagging feeling that he couldn't shake. Grace was everything that other people wanted for James, she was pretty, driven, confident. His mom adored her practically as soon as they had met eyes. The fact of the matter was, some part of James knew that he was filling a void. Being with Grace kept him a certain level of happy and it made him feel normal, safe, but there was still something missing. He hated that even now, just a couple weeks off from getting married and headed home to tie the knot, literally sitting on an airplane beside his beautiful fiancé, that he wasn't 100% sure about what he was doing. What he hated even more was that he knew exactly why he wasn't completely positive about it, and he was going to be in close vicinity with that all too soon.

James felt a knee nudge against his and opened his eyes tiredly. He hadn't been sleeping, just dazed, lost in the music in his ears from his ipod and his circulating thoughts. He pulled an ear bud out of his ear and sat up straighter, looking at Grace questioningly.

"We're landing, honey." she said.

Great.

Brooke was there waiting for them in the waiting area before they even got to grab their luggage, and James had to laugh and awkwardly squirm in his mother's grasp as she leaned up and left several lipstick marks along her son's cheek. Of course his mom was also ecstatic to see Grace, too, the two of them hugging and chatting excitedly as James offered to go grab their bags and meet them at the car. He didn't go straight to luggage claim, though, instead taking a small detour out of the way and fishing his phone out of the pocket of his dark jeans.

"Pick up your phone, pick up your phone." He muttered into the receiver.

"Hey, it's Kendall! I'm busy, leave a message."

James swore under his breath, hung up, and dialed again.

"Why do you even have a damn cell phone, you never answer it, you idiot." He mumbled to himself, the dial tone in his ear.

"What?" Kendall answered finally.

"Don't what me. I'm here." James snapped.

"Here, where?"

James pinched the bridge of his nose, "The airport. Minnesota."

"Shit, that was fast. I'm actually at your house. Er, your mom's house."

"Why are you at my mom's house?"

"It's a- dude, that's not where she wanted the banner, she's gonna kill you."

"I can't reach up there! You're the tall one, you do it!"

A confused expression crossed James's face, "Is that Carlos?"

"I'm on the phone! What- Oh, yeah, it's Carlos. Your mom planned a welcome home dinner. Act surprised." Kendall answered.

"Sounds like something she would do." James mumbled with a sigh. "Well, we'll be there soon. Try not to injure each other."

Kendall hung up without another word and left the brunette to roll his eyes and stuff his phone back in his pocket. He had honestly been hoping for some kind of reassuring, that he was doing the right thing by being back here again, but Kendall obviously wasn't catching the hint at the moment. He was definitely better at face to face conversation. Finally venturing off to grab the bags from baggage claim, James vowed to himself not to make anything about tonight awkward. He could last his first night back at home without having a full blown freak out. He'd do it.

Once he had his and Grace's bags, he hurried out to the area out front where their car was waiting for them with a smile. His mom and fiancé were still immersed in conversation, probably something having to do with the latest fashion trends since Grace was a fashion journalist, and with Brooke being in the cosmetic industry, they had an awful lot to talk about. James silently got their bags situated in the trunk of the car then slid into the backseat beside Grace, gently reaching over to take her hand as the car got moving. The blonde gave him a smile and squeezed his hand slightly. It was almost reassuring.

"Welcome home, James!"

Kendall and Carlos's shouting almost did actually surprise him as they walked in the front door of his mother's house. He laughed and shook his head, turning to his mom to give her a one-armed hug and thank her for putting together a nice welcome. Brooke ducked into the kitchen not long after they were in the door, rushing to check and make sure her dinner was cooked to perfection.

"I can take these upstairs, you can catch up with the boys." Grace offered, reaching for the bags from James.

"Hey, no, I've got it." he shook his head.

"James Diamond." She scolded. "Go talk to your friends."

Smiling, he sighed and let her finally work the handle of the suitcase out of his hand. He muttered a quick 'I love you' to her before kissing her cheek and watching her head up the stairs before turning to his two best friends.

"James!" Carlos shouted again, practically tackling the taller boy to the ground in a hug. "It's good to see you, man."

"We saw each other just last month." James chuckled, gripping his friend in a tight hug.

"Yeah, but now you're getting _married_." Carlos pointed out.

"Still have two weeks, my friend."

"Just enough time to plan a kickass bachelor party." Kendall said.

James smirked and held a hand out for Kendall to shake. Rolling his green eyes, Kendall tugged on his hand and pulled him in for a hug. James was always the one that tried to play it cool. How he'd ever stayed friends with a bunch of dorks that wanted to hug him all the time was beyond him, but he knew he would be lost without them. After returning Kendall's hug, the three boys got caught up in talking about what was going on in their lives lately. Carlos had apparently gotten a dog that now took up all his time, which James figured was his method of coping with the fact that Jenny had dumped him a couple weeks back. Kendall was apparently doing an on again off again relationship with some girl named Lucy, but it was currently "off again" for the time being, however, Kendall seemed convinced that she would end up being his date to the wedding. James seemed to be the only steady, level-headed one at the moment and he had to admit it felt a little refreshing. Kendall always seemed to know what he wanted and where he was going, so to hear that it was Kendall kind of taking time to goof off now instead of himself, it made James feel a little more mature somehow.

"So how's it feel to be an almost married man, huh, James?" Carlos asked, plopping down onto the couch.

James shrugged, "The same its felt since I put a ring on her finger, I guess. It's just gonna happen."

"Ever the romantic." Kendall snorted.

"Shut up." James sneered.

The doorbell ringing cut off their conversation momentarily, causing James's brow to furrow in confusion.

"Mom!" He called, getting up and moving to stand in the entryway to the kitchen. "Who else is coming to dinner tonight?" he asked.

Grace was looking at James in question from where she sat on a stool at the island counter, his mother, however, had a beaming smile on her face, like she was thrilled about something.

"Come on now, Jamie, it wouldn't be a proper welcome home without everyone here!"

James could feel his stomach twisting into a heavy knot. Oh god, please don't let this be happening. Brooke moved passed her son to go answer the front door again as the doorbell rang a second time. James turned quickly to face Kendall who was evidently oblivious in his conversation with Carlos, but as James came back into the living room, the color drained from his face, the blonde boy stood up, looking concerned.

"What happened?" he asked quickly.

"Logan!"

James winced. Kendall and Carlos exchanged a wide-eyed look. While they might not have known all the details of why James and Logan had had their falling out, they still knew that there was some bad mojo between the boys, given they hadn't spoken in so long. This was bad, very bad.

"It's so great to see you, sweetheart, it's been too long, come on in!" Brooke greeted at the door.

"That." James mumbled finally, in response to Kendall's question. "That.. is what happened."

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**_Dun dun dun... Good luck James ;)_**

**_What'd you think?_**


	2. Chapter 2

_**A/N; So this update was quick because I had the idea fresh in my mind since I just started and all and wanted to get the ball rolling a bit. It got a little lengthy, but hopefully that's not too big an issue. I needed to get some assertive Logan in :P**_

_**Thanks so much to the few people who have favorited/followed and commented on this and such, your feedback is awesome and I really, really appreciate it a bunch! Hopefully you guys like this chapter, too :)**_

_**-Kay.**_

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**Chapter 2-**

"I swear I had no idea." Kendall muttered quickly, holding his hands up in defense.

James wasn't going to accuse him anyway; he was far too caught up in feeling like he was stuck where he was standing, heartbeat echoing in the tunnel of his ears. Grace stepped out of the kitchen, curiously looking to see what was going on, but James was barely aware of that even, staring straight ahead toward the corner his mother and Logan would be coming around in about 3…2…1.

"James, look who came!" Brooke declared excitedly, ushering Logan into the living room. "Now it's all four of you boys together, just like old times."

"Yeah, thanks, Mom." The brunette said quietly.

His eyes hadn't been able to move from his old best friend since he'd stepped into the room. Logan looked, well not a lot different, maybe a little more put together, in the sense that a lot of what always seemed boyish to James about Logan's structure was now more toned looking. The dark hair was different, too, actually styled specifically with gel instead of just sort of mussed through. He was wearing dark jeans, low hanging on his waist but otherwise clinging to his thin legs, paired with a gray long-sleeved button down shirt.

James wasn't sure why he was expecting Logan to be just the same as he had last seen him. It had been two years. He himself definitely didn't look or act exactly the same as back then either, but some part of him had held onto the image of a somewhat scrawny, scatterbrained nerdy kid that looked at him with a wide, dimpled smile and chocolate eyes filled with admiration.

Now Logan's brown eyes held something a little different when they landed on James. Perhaps a little bit of longing, but something else. It seemed almost like amusement to James, but he couldn't be sure. As well as he had come to know Logan, standing there awkwardly in his mother's living room after having not seen or spoken to each other in two years, it felt like looking at a stranger.

"James." Logan greeted simply with a faint smile.

The taller boy simply nodded in his direction in response. Clearing his throat, James tried to regain a bit more of his focus, turning his attention half to Grace who was now standing next to him and looking at him with an eyebrow kinked in question.

"Uh, Logan, this is Grace, my fiancé. Grace, this" he turned halfway toward Logan again and let his eyes trail up the other boy's appearance for a moment, "This is Logan."

Grace's face beamed with a smile as she quickly reached out to shake Logan's hand. Logan returned the gesture with an overly polite smile that made James's stomach turn.

"Kendall's friend Logan, right?" Grace clarified.

Carlos coughed awkwardly as James and Kendall exchanged a look. This was going even worse than he could have imagined and Logan hadn't even been in the room for five minutes yet.

"All four of these boys used to be inseparable back in the day," Brooke gushed, sounding.. well like a proud mom, "They played hockey together, spent day and night with each other basically. It's been so long since they've all been together again."

"James makes it a little hard, living so far away." Logan pointed out, and James could almost hear the subtle bitterness in his tone.

"Kendall and Carlos manage." James unthinkingly snapped back.

"Okay! I think we should have dinner now." Carlos intervened.

Thankfully Brooke seemed to agree, despite being oblivious to the tension that was currently building. The dining room was neatly set up for all of them, Brooke never hesitating in going over the top for even the littlest things for her only child. Over the garlic roasted chicken dinner there was a little small talk made, mostly from Carlos and James's mom. About halfway through the meal, Grace had laid a hand on his leg under the table, obviously knowing that something was up based on his tense sitting position and quick, darting glances to the dark-haired boy sitting across from him.

When they had all survived the meal, James –having reminded himself of the vow he had made himself earlier in the evening- suggested that they hang out on the back patio for a little while before the guys had to head home again for the night. Grabbing the bottle of red wine from the table, James led the way, his fiancé and best friends following him out onto the dimly lit patio. Thankfully his mom hadn't gotten rid of the nice patio furnishings and fire pit since he had left. He had always liked being able to chill out out back like this.

He found the matches and got a fire going in the fire pit as everyone else got situated around it. Finally he sat down again, reaching for Grace's hand before she could sit in her own chair and pulling her to sit on his lap. He was doing it on purpose and based on the way the blonde girl's giggle was followed by Logan clearing his throat and taking a long swig from his wine glass, it was getting the desired effect.

"So, Logan, you've known James just as long as Carlos and Kendall have, then?" Grace asked conversationally.

James resisted the urge to wince once again. The last thing he needed was Logan actually being aware of how actively he had tried to act like he didn't exist in this new life he was making.

"We've known each other since like pre-k!" Carlos answered.

Logan nodded slowly, "And stuck together all the way til after high school."

"That's so cool. I always thought that you were like, one of the people Kendall always hung out with back here, because he'd just mention you every now and again on visits." Grace replied.

James suddenly wished he could sink into his seat and disappear.

"Hey, remember that time in freshman year when we turned the sprinklers on the girl's lacrosse field on?" Kendall deviated quickly, earning a thankful glance from James.

Carlos erupted into a fit of laughter, "And they chased after us for blocks and blocks until they finally had us cornered."

"That was a terrifying experience, I must say." Logan chuckled.

"I just remember hating you all because of the black eye I was sporting for the next week." James said.

"Like it wasn't partially your idea to turn on the sprinklers in the first place." Logan snorted.

"Right? This kid, always playing the victim." Kendall teased.

Grace laughed and turned to look at James with a wide smile. "Can't mess with the face. Right, babe?"

"Sounds about right." James grinned.

"Oh, oh, oh! And remember junior prom!" Carlos started.

James's eyes widened and he shook his head just barely. Of course, Carlos was too busy in his excitement to notice James trying to tell him to end the story before it began.

"That was a total disaster! James ended up in a dress by the end of it."

"Don't forget the part where he and Logan won prom king and queen." Kendall laughed.

"Yeah, that too! Logan and _Jamie_." Carlos drawled.

For just a second, James glanced across the fire pit and locked eyes with Logan. It was clear that the other boy was also not exactly comfortable with this particular storytelling moment. However, just like inside in the living room when he had first gotten there, James didn't see any nervousness in Logan's eyes. He himself felt so on edge he thought he might actually spontaneously combust at any second, but no, not Logan. Logan didn't look nervous or even the slightest bit jittery.

How was that fair? James was supposed to be the cool and collected one. Logan was supposed to be the one that didn't do well under pressure. When did they switch roles?

"Oh my gosh! You never told me about that!" Grace laughed, turning a playfully accusing look on the brunette.

James let out a chuckle that hopefully didn't sound as forced as it felt, shaking his head. "I didn't think it was important."

Kendall coughed as he sipped at his glass of wine, making James realize how bad that had come off sounding. His eyes quickly moved over to Logan who was looking down as he toyed with the sleeve of his shirt, his lips pressed together. James suddenly felt sick again. Idiot, watch what you say.

"I should probably get going before it gets too late." Logan mumbled.

He stood up and painted a smile on his face, nodding toward Grace on James's lap.

"It was very nice to meet you, Grace." He said politely.

"Likewise!" She replied.

Chocolate colored eyes locked with hazel ones for a moment before James cowardly sank his teeth into his lip and glanced away. Looking at Carlos didn't help much because Carlos was looking at him with an awkward expectancy, like he was waiting for him to do something. It suddenly occurred to him that this sort of reunion wasn't just extremely awkward for him, but most likely for his other two best friends sitting there, too. Because while he had practically cut Logan from his life, Kendall and Carlos had played middle men in staying friends with both of them. They deserved something a little less tense for the four of them being back together again after so long. Suppressing a groan, James nudged Grace up off of his lap and stood.

"I'll walk you out." He said.

The look that crossed Logan's face was unreadable, or maybe James had just lost the ability to read the other boy as well as he had been able to in the past. Sad, but probably the case. Logan called a quick goodbye to James's mom in the kitchen as they walked through the house toward the front door, otherwise the two boys walked silently until the front door was shut behind them and they stood on the porch.

James stayed planted on the top porch step, eyes on Logan's back as the darker haired boy stepped down and began continuing up the walkway. Why wasn't James saying anything? Why wasn't _Logan _saying anything? Surely there had to be something, even if it was yelling, even if it was anger. James couldn't take all the quiet and the politeness. It felt like they literally were strangers, and he hated it. He hated knowing that one of the people who had known him best, who he had known best too, in every way, was now so close in proximity but so far at the same time.

Logan slowed down to a stop on the cement and blew out a loud sigh before turning to look at where James stood. There was a sad smile on Logan's face and James bit down on the inside of his cheek to try and distract his wandering thoughts.

"Kendall's friend Logan, huh?" Logan said finally.

James cleared his throat and looked down shamefully for a second before opening his mouth to reply, only to be cut off by Logan continuing.

"Did you tell her _anything _about me?" he pressed.

The brunette couldn't even quite take a moment to appreciate the fact that Logan was actually beginning to lose his composure and sound upset finally. He was hoping that hearing Logan be upset would make it easier somehow, make it clear that he wasn't the only one affected anymore by what had happened between them, but now that he was hearing the hurt and slight frustration in Logan's voice, he realized it only made the guilt feel that much worse.

Logan took James's silence as answer enough. He laughed once, a dry, humorless laugh that was nothing like the pleasant sound James had heard so many times in the past, and shook his head slowly.

"That sounds like a great way to start a marriage, keeping secrets from each other." He muttered.

"She knows what's important." James mumbled.

"Yeah, that's another thing," Logan snapped, shocking James for a second with the harshness of his tone, "So nothing pertaining to me, or the two of us together was important enough for you to share with someone you're willing to spend the rest of your life with?"

"That's not-"

"Do you actually love her?"

The question jolted James for a moment, causing his brow to furrow. His defense wasn't instantaneous like he hoped it would be, further giving him away. Of course James loved Grace, he wasn't a total idiot, he wouldn't be putting a life together, marrying her if he didn't on some level. However, the fact of the matter was that it seemed while James felt like he didn't know who Logan was anymore, Logan still knew him just as perfectly as he always had and could read him like a book –an advantage the shorter boy had always had.

"Of course I love her, I'm marrying her for Christ's sake." James said.

Logan pursed his lips, "People get married when they don't love each other all the time. It's called filling a void."

James scoffed, letting something of a sarcastic smirk cross his features, "You think I'm trying to _fill a void _by being with Grace?"

"No." Logan's tone was dead serious as he stepped back toward James, even so much as stepping back up onto the porch to stand directly in front of him.

They were so close James could smell the scent of Logan's cologne, something he hadn't changed since the last time they had seen each other, because James recognized it easily enough. He swallowed and clenched his teeth together, meeting Logan's eyes as the brown orbs stared deeply into his.

"No, I think you're lying to yourself, maybe not completely, because maybe there is something there between the two of you, but it's not what you're making it out to be. I think you're scared and that you're settling and doing what everyone else is telling you is right. I think you're going with the option that has everyone patting you on the back and saying 'good job, James, you found a good one.' I think the reason you refused to say anything about me to the girl you're going to be married to in just a couple weeks is because you never got over it, and you're ashamed that you couldn't fully move on. And I think you know all of this already, I think you're perfectly aware of how conflicted you are and you just won't admit it because you're being a coward, just like you were two years ago when I told you how I felt about you."

James was dumbfounded. His jaw tightened and he actively worked to keep his eyes locked on Logan's, not wanting to appear as awkward and evasive as he had been practically all night. He could feel a stinging in his eyes, one that he mentally cursed himself for. He couldn't even remember the last time he had really cried, and now suddenly he wanted to? It was a combination of that and wanting to hit something. He knew why, too.

Because Logan was right. God, was he right. The kid had always been something of a genius, always knowing what to say when it needed to be said, always being so in tune with the rest of his friends, but James had never expected a lashing like that. Of the four of them, Logan and James had always talked the most, been the most open with each other, and while James's being away for so long made him unsure of anything Logan was feeling, Logan was still spot on with him, as always.

This sucked.

"You should go." James spoke finally, voice barely above a whisper.

Logan hesitantly bit down on his lip then nodded slowly, rolling his eyes as if he was unimpressed. For the umpteenth time that night, James felt sick to his stomach.

"Right." Logan said.

Without another word from either of them, Logan turned and headed up the pathway until he got to his car parked at the curb. James watched him drive away with an even heavier guilt settling down on his shoulders. Swiping a hand roughly across his cheek as he felt a traitorous tear fall, James scoffed to himself and turned to finally go back inside.


	3. Chapter 3

_**A/N; Hello again! My writing muse for this story has been pretty big lately so here's another update for you guys. This is my last week of school, finishing up finals, before I'm off for the summer and will have a bunch more time to write, too. I had another idea come to me for a Kames story, but I know how I am with my focus, so I'm trying to focus on one at a time until it becomes more manageable :P**_

_**Thanks so, SO much to those of you who have commented or followed/favorited this story. It means a lot and I really appreciate the feedback!**_

_**This chapter's a little bit of a background and lead up into next chapter, but hopefully you guys like it! Thanks again :)**_

_**-Kay.**_

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**Chapter 3**-

The next morning, despite not being in his usual neighborhood back in New York, James still got himself out of bed early to go out for his morning jog. He had gotten used to them as the start for his day, plus it gave him a little bit of time just to himself to really clear his head. Clearing his head was a big focus that particular morning. His sleep had been restless. When Grace had half rolled over at one point and asked him if he was alright he had made something up about how it was just going to take a night or two for him to get used to not being in his own bed, but he knew why he was actually restless, and that was because he couldn't shake what Logan had said to him out on the front porch.

It rang in his ears over and over, loud and clear, like a movie being played back on repeat. He could envision the dark brown color of Logan's eyes, so steady and serious as they bore into his. He could hear the strict tone of his friend's voice, drilling his unspoken insecurities into his head all the more. It certainly wasn't like James had never thought those kinds of things to himself before, it just hurt to have them verbalized, especially when the person throwing them back in his face was Logan.

Jogging down the still somewhat familiar street of his mom's neighborhood, James let his eyes wander over neighbor's lawns and houses, conjuring up memory after memory as he ran. Mrs. Johansson still had her perfectly trimmed rosebushes out in front of her house. He remembered when he and the guys used to play street hockey there, every now and again a flyaway puck would launch itself into those rosebushes and they all ran for cover as fast as they could to get away from the middle aged woman's tirade.

A little further up the street was where this girl Heather had lived their freshman year of high school. He and Carlos had both been 'in love' with the girl and got into a fight in her front yard one night because they had both showed up at the same time to try to ask her out. In retrospect, that fight was really stupid because getting angry with Carlos was like getting angry with a baby. It didn't last.

James found himself wandering a little ways out of the neighborhood itself, up the main road toward where he knew the high school was at. It was pretty early still and he hadn't been out for too long just yet so he wasn't worried about his mom or fiancé waking up and freaking out about where he may have run off to, so as he approached the distantly familiar school campus, he slowed his pace.

A tiny, fond smile worked its way onto James's face as he glanced up at the marquee and then toward the main stairs leading into the outdoor hallway. He could almost imagine just how packed this place usually was during school hours. Not in the middle of July, of course, and especially not this early in the morning. He hopped up the cement steps and sauntered through the hallway, eyeing the lockers as he passed them. When he realized that they hadn't changed the numbering in the past four years since he had graduated, he perked up a little bit and picked up his pace again to find a specific locker.

And then there it was, locker 2J. Technically it had started out as Logan's locker at the start of freshman year, but over the course of high school it ended up almost shared between the four boys. It served as a sort of meeting ground for them for the longest time, too. He couldn't even remember the exact number of times any one of them had ever just said to the others "meet you guys back at the locker." The friendship between the four of them had always tended to be like that, all for one and one for all. Kendall used to preach about it all the time even. James rolled his eyes a lot which often earned a chuckle from Logan and a slight elbowing from Carlos.

These were the kind of things he had left behind, these memories, the little details that had built up so much of his life. He had turned the other cheek, leaving them behind. Kendall and Carlos he had always been sure to keep close because he knew, especially after how badly things had gone with Logan, that if he didn't have them in some way or another that he wouldn't survive. New York wouldn't have killed him, in fact it had been really good for him to go to the city after all, but not having his friends… _All _of his friends.

James blew out a heavy sigh and gently swatted the metal locker door with the back of his head before quickly turning back the way he came and getting back to his jog back to his mom's. It was only about seven; his mom was just stirring and making her way down to make some coffee when he got back. Not wanting to rub off the gross sweat and grime, he muttered a smiley good morning before hurrying upstairs to shower. By the time he finished with that and had gotten dressed and gone back downstairs, Grace and his mom were both sitting in their pajamas at the kitchen table with coffee.

"Have a good run, babe?" Grace asked with a smile.

"Always." He replied, bending to kiss the top of her head before moving to fix himself a cup of coffee at the counter.

Instead of moving to sit at the table with two of his favorite girls, James leaned back against the counter and held his steaming mug of coffee between his hands as his reminiscent thoughtfulness crept back up on him once again.

When he was younger, his mom used to make huge breakfasts in this kitchen. Pancakes, French toast, eggs, hash browns, practically anything he wanted. He would sit there on the stool at the island counter as Brooke cracked eggs into a bowl and every now and again looked up just to tell him to stop spinning on the stool before he made himself sick.

There were also the times, away from home, over at the Knight household, after an infamous sleepover night –because guys could have sleepovers too, shut up- all the boys would rush into the kitchen to see what Mrs. Knight had planned for breakfast. Once, back when they were in middle school, she had cleaned out ketchup bottles real well and put pancake batter into them so the boys could basically "draw" their pancake shakes on the pan with them. Those were the crazy mornings. Carlos trying to draw some kind of dinosaur, Logan thinking he was cool just because he made his initials, Kendall and James both making some weird kind of shape that all four of them ended up making fun of.

"James?"

James shook his head a little to attempt to clear the fog and cleared his throat.

"Hm? Sorry."

"What are your plans for the day, sweetheart?" Brooke asked.

James blinked and looked over at Grace expectantly. The blonde let out a chuckle and shook her head.

"I'm not going bridezilla on you quite yet, I figured I'll save that til next week at the rehearsal. I've got to go make sure they sent the right dress over here at the bridal shop, then go see the florist. You don't have to be following me around for all that." She explained.

"You're sure you don't want me there?"

Admittedly, James was the slightest bit grateful that Grace was so easy in terms of all the wedding stuff. He wasn't really looking for much, he figured that the bulk of planning was mostly what the girl wanted anyway, and he was okay with that. What was great, like now, was that his fiancé didn't demand he be there for checking in on every single little detail along the way.

"Absolutely, do not want you there at all." She joked.

James grinned and set his coffee cup down on the counter to make his way over and give her a quick kiss before looking at his mother. Knowing that she would be at work for the majority of the day and feeling the need to be around his friends like back in the good old days, he had the idea to chill out with them for the day.

"Is it cool if I have the guys over? Old times' sake and all that." He said.

Brooke gave her son a pointed look, but there was a smile beneath it, "Do not get any popcorn or any of those gummy candy things Carlos still eats in my couch cushions."

James let out a laugh and agreed with a nod. For a moment he actually felt a little bit like a teenager again.

…

"Dude, honestly, when is the last time you even played this game? I don't even have to try." Carlos laughed.

"Shut up." James elbowed the young man beside him on the couch.

On the TV screen, Carlos's avatar jerked right out into the line of fire and James doubled over in laughter as his friend was killed thanks to James throwing him off.

"Not even cool, man. I'm done playing with you, you suck."

Carlos tossed his controller down beside him on the couch and tossed a couple fruit snacks into his mouth. It ended up only being Carlos who had come over to hang out. Kendall had been questionably busy with Lucy, and it wasn't like James was going to call Logan and invite him over for some friendly Call of Duty playing after the way the night before had played out.

"Do you think Kendall's done sucking face yet?" James asked, glancing at the clock.

Carlos followed his line of vision to check the time and nodded once. A second later he grimaced, wrinkling his nose up slightly.

"Now's about the time he and, uh- He and Logan meet up. Logan's tutoring him in math."

Raising his eyebrows, James pursed his lips and nodded once slowly. Carlos watched him curiously, no doubt catching on to the sudden rigidity that tended to come over him whenever Logan happened to be mentioned.

"Hm. Sounds like something Logan would do." James muttered.

"Yeah… Hey, can I ask you a question?" Carlos turned more toward him on the couch.

James sighed, "Depends on what the question is."

"What happened with you and Logan? I mean.. why did you guys just like, completely cut each other out when you left? Every time I ask Logan he says it's a better story from your side in that bitter, frustrated voice he gets sometimes when he's mad."

The taller boy snorted out a humorless laugh and shook his head before scratching at the back of his head. Of course Logan would throw him under the bus. He was actively working to not make eye contact with the other boy sitting on the couch with him. His eyes stayed focused on the beige colored carpet as he thought for a few moments before finally huffing out a heavy sigh and slumping his shoulders.

"Logan and I just had a lot of differences. We fought before I left and we each said some things to each other that.. you know, maybe we shouldn't have, but they were said and that was that. We just never got back into contact again after that blowout." James explained.

"But you and Logan have always been really different, you were still best friends, we all were. And we all fought. You and I have fought, too, but look at us! And god knows I fight with Kendall all the time because he's stubborn as all get out. None of the rest of us have the problems you and Logan have now."

When James stayed silent and simply chewed at the inside of his lip, Carlos took it upon himself to continue.

"It just kind of sucks, you know? Like, you're back home for the first time in a long time and we're all in the same place and can all be spending time together, celebrating this huge step in your life and whatever, but you two hate each other. Me and Kendall keep trying to come up with some way to fix it because we miss you guys, how you used to be. I mean, when it's just you or when it's just Logan it's not as noticeable, but seeing the way you two acted with each other last night was literally painfully awkward. Like, what how did things even get that way?"

"Look, Carlos, things with Logan and me, they were just.. complicated, different. They weren't simple like they are with me and you or me and Kendall." James mumbled, rubbing at the back of his neck.

He was beginning to feel twitchy and he didn't like it. Carlos wasn't letting up, though. It wasn't like James could blame him exactly, he was only being Carlos, the glue of the four of them, trying to figure out what was wrong with his friends and patch things up. The only issue with that was that James didn't want to get into the dirty details of the situation. He had kept his past relationship with Logan a secret for so long now, even from Carlos and Kendall, letting it now, especially given his circumstances being back in Michigan in the first place, didn't seem even a little appealing.

Carlos's brow furrowed and he sighed, "I just wish you'd let me understand more, so I could help."

"Maybe there's no helping this one, man." James shook his head.

A sad expression crossed the Latino's face and James frowned, feeling guilty. Making Carlos sad was one of those things that James was almost always instantly apologetic for, because seeing Carlos sad was like looking at a sad puppy.

"I just- Like I said, things were really complicated with me and Logan, we're too different. I just don't want you to get your hopes up and think that there's some easy fix. It's been two years, and clearly the time apart hasn't made anything easier for us. I don't really know what else there could be."

"You keep saying that. Complicated. But what does that even _mean_? You guys were best friends, it doesn't really get complicated from there, unless like…" Carlos made an obscene gesture with his hands that caused James's eyes to widen, the color draining from his face.

Carlos took the jolted look on his friend's face paired with the few moment's silence to kink a brow in question.

"You- Wait, James, you and Logan-"

"Hey, what were some of those plans you and Kendall were coming up with to try to get us to get along with each other again?" James asked quickly, his words rushed in changing the subject.

"James…" Carlos narrowed his eyes slightly, as if scrutinizing him.

James feigned a roll of his eyes, "Come on, just tell me a plan and I'll tell you whether or not it would be a total disaster."

Thankfully Carlos seemed to give up on whatever dangerously close idea he was forming in his head with a sigh before taking just a second to perk back up again and energetically get into his explanation.

"Okay, well, hockey was always a thing for the four of us. It was _our _thing, you know, so Kendall was thinking that we should try something with hockey. His first idea was to go to a game, but it's playoff season and the Wild's out already, so that was a no-go. Then I suggested good old fashioned street hockey, but Kendall one-upped that and said that we could go down to the old roller rink and play there. All four of us, since playing the game always tended to be one of the things that kept us all together." He explained.

"Four grown men on skates, possibly slamming each other into boards. Definitely nothing remotely disastrous there." James chuckled.

Carlos rolled his dark brown eyes and gave him a playful shove, "Shut up. It's not a completely useless plan. You never know, it could work. Could be fun, even."

James took a deep breath and took a moment to think it over. Just a minute before Carlos had been seemingly really close to catching onto the loose threads of James's problems with Logan, and the last thing he needed right now was the possibility of that getting out this close to his wedding day. Not that he was absolutely sure it would ruin everything, but he was pretty damn sure that his fiancé would be pretty bent to find out that the best friend who he had played off as not being that close to for so long was not only actually a best friend but an ex-lover on top of it. He was putting a whole lot of effort into one big secret, it was exhausting.

Then on another hand, there was what Carlos had pointed out, that they were all friends. Whether they were all on that same level of friendship now as they had been in the past, the fact still stood that they were supposed to be best friends to some degree, all four of them. He could manage that again, couldn't he? He would have been lying if he said he didn't miss Logan as it was, he just wasn't sure which part of Logan it was that he missed. The best friend or the lover.

Sighing, James looked at Carlos again with a small hint of a crooked smile on his face, the look alone causing the dark-haired boy to jump up and pump his fist into the air.

"Yes! I'm gonna call Kendall and tell him to bring Logan with him to meet us at the rink."

Before James could tell him that he didn't mind waiting a while, Carlos had already bounded into the kitchen to make his phone call without interruption. James groaned to himself, closing his eyes and tilting his head back against the back of the couch.

_Please, please do not let me regret this, too._


	4. Chapter 4

_**A/N; Super quick update on this again mostly because -insert round of applause here- I finished my last final today and am now free for the summer! Made it through another semester, so that was good. I may or may not be starting another story, a Kames one, on here soon because I've got the idea in mind and I've got the time to write a lot more now, but we'll see! For now here's another piece of this one for you guys!**_

_**Once again, thanks so so much to those of you who have followed/favorited, or left reviews/comments on this. I really do appreciate it and I'm glad that you guys are liking it. Hopefully you enjoy this chapter as well!**_

_**-Kay.**_

* * *

**Chapter 4**-

"This is a _bad _idea." James muttered under his breath.

Kendall and Logan hadn't even gotten to the rink yet and he was already having second thoughts about this whole hockey playing idea. By some miracle, the skates he had sent back to keep at his mom's the year before still actually fit him. He hadn't tried standing on them yet, on account of the fact that he was about 80% sure he would topple right over again. Carlos was already up on his feet, pads, skates, and all already on as he took a couple laps around the rink before rolling up to the boards in front of the bench where James was sitting.

"This is gonna be so good. When's the last time all of us got to play hockey together?" he asked excitedly.

Carlos's excitement was almost enough incentive to look more forward to playing. Almost.

"At least two years." James answered matter of factly.

"Can you even stand?" Carlos chuckled.

The entrance door slamming shut heavily once again cut James off before he had the chance to come up with a retort, his attention darting to where Kendall and Logan were now walking in. Kendall looked ecstatic, skates in one hand and a stick in the other. Logan on the other hand looked nervous.

"Who's ready for some puck play?" Kendall called.

Carlos cheered loudly in response. James locked eyes momentarily with Logan, who despite his nervousness mustered up something of a small smile toward the brunette. The dark haired boy sat down on the complete opposite end of the bench James was sitting on to lace up his own skates. Even once all three of his friends were all ready to go and out on the rink already, James still stayed sitting on the bench for a few moments, biting his lip and watching them.

It really had been a long time since they had all been able to slap a puck around together like this. It felt almost like another lifetime ago. New York, while it hadn't completely drained everything that he loved or was about, had opened a different side of James. That side didn't consist of a lot of hockey or any of the things that his life in Minnesota had had before. Sitting in a distantly familiar hockey rink for the first time in years somehow made him that much more aware of just how much he had changed when he had left. For the first time he questioned whether or not he liked it, how different he was.

"Yo, Diamond!" Kendall shouted from the rink. "Are you in the game or what?"

James took a deep breath and blew it out in a heavy sigh before working his way to his feet. He swayed a little unsteadily at first, but thankfully only took a moment to catch his balance right before stepping out onto the rink. Being on skates felt a little foreign and he almost wished that he had gotten ready quicker and tried a couple laps around the rink before Logan and Kendall had shown up to better get his bearings again, but it was too late for that now.

"Alright, so, Kendall and I are a team, and you two are a team." Carlos declared.

"Wait, what?" James and Logan asked quickly in unison.

"And go!"

Carlos dropped the puck onto the rink and immediately slapped his stick against it, sending it sliding up the rink fast. Kendall laughed as he slipped passed a still slightly baffled looking James to go after it. James glanced over at Logan for a second, Logan simply shrugging at him before darting off after Kendall. Alright, if everyone else could act like this was completely normal, he could, too. Kicking it into gear, James hurriedly skated up the rink, trailing after Carlos.

Somehow, by some strange miracle, the game ended up being pretty evenly scored for the most part. James wasn't even sure how long they had been playing for, but after a while it didn't matter. They were all yelling and cheering and laughing as they skated after each other. It was like being teenagers and goofing off all over again. Even he and Logan were making jokes with each other as they slapped the puck back and forth to one another, avoiding getting it stolen from their other two friends.

James was beginning to feel exhausted, but the game was apparently still at a tie –though he wasn't sure Kendall's judgment counted for much since the kid always just wanted to win and would say what he could to have a shot at that. Carlos circled around James, trying to steal the puck from him, James chuckling breathlessly as he whirled around and slid it away from the other boy. Carlos swung his stick out, trying to make a grab at it and managed to not only get the puck and take off with it, but knock James off his balance on top of that.

The air left his lungs in a whoosh as he landed hard on his back. James blinked a couple times as he stared up at the lights above the rink, the sound out of his ears for a few seconds as he took in a quick gasp of air again.

"James!" Logan skated over quickly and looked down at him, concerned. A moment later, after watching James blink confusedly up at him for a second, that concern turned to amusement as he chuckled. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah." James croaked, then paused to clear his throat. "Yeah, I'm good. Knocked the wind out of me, that's all."

Kendall and Carlos were busy cheering, which must have meant they had scored while James was down, getting him to roll his eyes. Logan held his hand out to help him up and he looked at it for a couple seconds before taking it and letting his friend help tow him back to his feet again.

"Totally doesn't count. Penalty for you, you almost killed James." Logan said.

"Please! It so does count. He lost his balance on his own." Kendall argued.

"Who cares?" James laughed. "Honestly, we've been playing for like two hours. If Kendall wants to win, let him win. We'll be here for days otherwise."

Kendall and Carlos bumped fists and James rolled his eyes with a chuckle. Pads and skates were quickly shed off once the boys were off the rink again. James sat where he had before, tying up the laces on his shoes, when he glanced up and noticed Kendall and Carlos on their way out the door, towing some of the equipment out to the cars. The heavy door slamming shut echoed in the empty rink. James's hazel eyes traveled down to the other end of the bench where Logan was standing with his foot propped up as he tied his shoe. Clearing his throat to get the other boy's attention, James stood up, brushing his hands along the sides of his legs.

"I, um," he started awkwardly, frowning at himself. "Good.. game."

Smooth, James, real smooth.

Logan laughed and shook his head, "Yeah, good game to you, too."

For a moment, James found himself distracted in just looking at Logan. Having a helmet on while they played had essentially deflated his hair, making it apparent how long and somewhat messy it actually looked when it wasn't styled up. Logan was wearing a white tank top that revealed biceps that James really did not recall Logan ever having before. His eyes roamed over his old friend's appearance, taking in both what was familiar and what was new. Logan had always been good looking, always been some level of distracting to look at, but it surprised James that the same still stood now.

This time it was Logan who cleared his throat, forcing James's eyes to hurriedly move back up to the other boy's face as his jaw tightened.

"Look, James, about what I said last night, I-"

James grimaced and cut him off gently with a wave of his hand, "Don't worry about it. I mean, honestly you have every right to hate me."

"That's just it, though," Logan sighed, "I don't. I never have."

Despite his brow furrowing in confusion, James felt a pretty big wave of relief come over him. Logan sighed once again and stepped closer to the taller boy so they weren't all the way down the bench from one another. There was a small, sad smile on his face once again as he spoke.

"Sometimes I wished I could. Especially the first time Kendall came back and told me you were seeing some girl you met at school. A part of me wanted to hate you, but I just-" He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't think it's possible for me to hate you. I was mad, and hurt, yeah. I mean, sometimes I still am, like last night, watching you with her, watching you act like I was just some passing acquaintance that you let go of the moment you left."

"Logan, I-"

"The point is that regardless of the way things happened or what you did or didn't say to me that night, regardless of last night or of anything else in between, I just don't. You've been my best friend for so long, and you've always meant so much to me that I just don't think I'm capable of really hating you."

James felt like his heart might leap out of his chest it was beating so fast. It took him several seconds before he realized that he should probably say something, but no words were immediately coming to mind. He was lost in looking into those brown eyes, the ones that were holding his steadily and looking at him with a seriousness that he still wasn't exactly used to. James couldn't figure out whether or not all of this felt better or worse than what had been said the night before. Maybe he was a glutton for punishment, but somehow, as reassuring as it was to know that he hadn't completely lost one of the most important people in his life, it somehow made it more apparent just what he had given up on that night two years before.

"I'm sorry." He whispered finally.

Logan's smile widened momentarily, looking a little less sad as he shrugged with one shoulder. However, he didn't say anything like "it's okay" or "don't be," and James was very aware of that.

Carlos and Kendall must have planned to leave the two of them alone together for a little bit, because the other boys still hadn't come back in from taking things out to the car. James was slightly thankful, though, he supposed. Between playing the hockey game and having these couple minutes to themselves, he had been able to realize that he at least still had Logan as a friend. As Logan finished zipping up his bag with his pads and skates inside, James turned toward him again and gave him a questioning look, a small hint of a smirk underlying beneath it.

"Don't.. get mad at me, okay? I just- I never really officially picked a best man because I didn't want to make Kendall and Carlos think I liked one of them more than the other or something and, to be honest, if I wanted anyone as my best man it would be you, and…" James realized he was starting to talk faster and faster and cut himself off to take a breath and bite his lip before continuing. "After everything… would it be totally selfish of me to ask you to be my best man?"

Logan stared at him incredulously for a few seconds, seeming almost to question whether or not his friend was actually serious before he let out a laugh.

"Completely." He chuckled, nodding. "Absolutely and completely selfish."

He slung his duffel bag over his shoulder and turned to face James again. This time when he looked at him, for seemingly the first time since James had come back to Minnesota and been in Logan's presence, there was a genuine smile on his face. A bright one that flashed perfect white teeth and revealed prominent, familiar dimples. James felt his heart beat faster in his chest, this time for a completely different reason than before.

"But if it makes you happy, then yeah, I guess I can do that for you." Logan said.

It took James an extra beat to focus properly enough to let out a breathy chuckle of his own and hold a fist out for Logan to tap his against. They looked at each other with friendly smiles for another moment before Logan turned to take his things out to the car. Once he was gone, the door shutting loudly behind him and leaving James alone with his thoughts, the brunette tilted his head back and let out an exasperated groan to himself.

Everything was good. He had his best friend back for the moment, he wasn't hated, things were as seemingly resolved as they could be for now. There must have been some forces of fate at work if a plan that Kendall and Carlos had cooked up at random had actually succeeded. The problem was that, as happy as James was that he and Logan would be able to stand to be around each other again, that there was a familiar fluttering in his stomach, a familiar rapid rhythm in his chest. That damn smile had always done him in. Clearly some things never changed.

Later that evening, after he had gone home and showered and gone down to have dinner with his mother and fiancé, James smiled at Grace across the table. It was a test, one she wasn't aware of, but one he was trying to make some kind of a point to himself. However, the point that ended up being made was the opposite he had been hoping for.

He had hoped that seeing the beautiful blonde he was due to marry in less than two weeks smiling back at him from across the table would affect him just as much, make him just as happy to see it as seeing Logan smile back at the hockey rink. He had hoped that he would have a moment of clarity in knowing that he was just happy to have his best friend back, that there didn't need to be lingering or dwelling on the past between them. Instead what he got was a wakeup call he wasn't sure he was ready to get, one he was sure he couldn't admit to anyone.

He was definitely still in love with Logan.


	5. Chapter 5

_**A/N; Hey hi hello! I'm really tired today because it's been a busy couple of days for me, plus there were about ten new videos of the guys acting like a bunch of dorks today that killed me, so I'm a little dead at the moment. But! I've been doing quite a bit of writing when I've had the free time, and this next chapter here was one of the things I got done this week. It's a little bit on the longer side, but hopefully you guys like it! Another thing I got to work on this week was the start of a Kames story that I've mentioned a couple times now, but yes, that's actually in the writing process now, so a first chapter of that will be up here soon, too.**_

_**As usual, big BIG thanks to all of you who follow/favorite and leave comments or reviews. They're totally appreciated, so thanks so, so much for that!**_

_**Hope you enjoy this chapter! :)**_

_**-Kay.**_

* * *

**Chapter 5**-

The next couple of days James spent focusing on why he was actually back in Minnesota in the first place. He sat beside Grace on the couch and listened idly as she explained the situation with the flowers and how her sisters would be flying in to get their bridesmaids dresses adjusted if necessary and all the details he had typically let her work through on her own. He honestly wasn't going for much. He knew weddings were supposed to be a big deal and marriage in itself was a huge step, too, but all of the intricacies were a little lost on him. Grace could pick flowers and colors and he would be okay with that, he just needed to know when to be where, that was all.

It was Sunday evening, just before dinner when they were sitting in the living room as Brooke finished up dinner in the kitchen that Grace brought up something that finally involved him and his input more.

"Did you decide whether Carlos or Kendall is your best man yet? Kind of in the final countdown here." She said, smiling faintly.

James cleared his throat and sat up a little straighter, laying his arm out along the back of the couch behind her, "Actually, I asked Logan the other day."

Grace's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Logan? I didn't think you two were all that close."

"It's.. a little complicated with me and Logan, but he's always been my best friend. We just had some, uh, issues before I moved." He explained.

The blonde eyed him wearily, nervously biting down on her lip. To a certain extent, James could understand. She wanted everything to be perfect, this was her big day, and her family had just as high if not higher expectations for how well everything was supposed to go than she did. Letting out a light, breathy chuckle, James took one of Grace's hands and lifted it up to kiss the back of it.

"Hey, I promise everything's good now, alright? Nothing to worry about, everything's gonna go smoothly. Logan's happy to be best man and I'm happy to have him. No problems, I swear."

It felt a little wrong to be making such broad promises when he wasn't entirely positive where exactly he stood in terms of his feelings for Logan, or how they would affect the situation at hand. However, the fact of the matter was, in less than a week he would be in a church, standing up in front of family and friends, getting married to the girl next to him, the girl he had spent the last year and half believing he was in love with enough to marry. That had to mean something, didn't it?

Grace sighed and simply gave him a gentle reminder that he and the guys would have to go get their tuxes checked out to make sure all fittings and whatever were done at some point during the week. James nodded slowly and mentally reminded himself to make sure to call Logan and get him in to try one out since Kendall and Carlos had already been once.

That night was another night of restless sleep for James. Maybe it was the fact that he knew the next day, Grace's parents would be coming into town and he would have even more appearances to keep up. Maybe it was the fact that in just five days, he would be getting married. Or maybe it was the fact that even knowing both of those things, and knowing that Grace mattered to him enough to want to marry her at some point, it didn't change the fact that he was still thinking about someone else now, too. Perhaps getting married at home wasn't the best idea after all. At least in New York, there was no seeing Logan, no talking to him. Out of sight out of mind. Though, he was pretty sure that Logan had never been _entirely _out of his mind.

The next morning, James didn't bother getting up for his run, instead he laid on his side and pretended to be sleeping still, even as he felt Grace get up out of bed. They had to pick her parents up at the airport in the afternoon, so he knew that despite his sudden want to not move from the bed that day that he would inevitably have to eventually. After spending a little bit of time listening to the muffled voices of his mother and fiancé downstairs in the kitchen, he finally forced himself up to shower.

The morning went by quicker than he was anticipating, and before he knew it they were on their way in the rental car James had picked up to the airport to pick up Grace's parents. The Carmichael family was a pristine bunch. Admittedly, the first time Grace had ever taken him into Manhattan to meet Nate and Shelby, he had been really intimidated. Never had he felt more like some Midwestern school boy with little to nothing going for him than walking onto the extensive property that Grace's family owned and lived on. Nate, Grace's father, was a wealthy businessman, owning a successful ad agency that provided for more than half of the city's top companies. AKA, way more than James could chew. Shelby was the epitome of a socialite, being involved in all of the major events that went on in the Upper East Side of the city.

Toward the start of their relationship, it always baffled James that Grace liked him enough to date him for as long as she had. Sure, he was incredibly good looking and could make a good joke every now again, or slap a puck around and belt out a tune on key, but in comparison to the shiny cars, humungous houses, and overflowing bank accounts she had grown up used to, it seemed he didn't really have much to offer her. It was something he was reminded of every time her parents were around. When it was just the two of them, it was easy to pretend that they were on the same level. Grace never acted as if James was beneath her or anything like that, but despite her not looking down her nose, he couldn't say the same was always the case with the blonde's mother. Nate wasn't quite so bad, in fact, he had even offered James a job in the family company after finding out about the young man's major in business.

Grace had hurried out of the car first after they had arrived at the airport, rushing to hug her mother where she stood at the curb. James put the car in park and got out to help load the bags into the back.

"James, good to see you again, sport." Nate bellowed, giving James's hand a firm shake.

Not many people in the world made James feel small –hello, he was near six foot and worked out regularly to stay in shape- but Nate was one of those very few people. James shook the man's hand back and let out a light chuckle, flexing his fingers again once his hand was released. Shelby gave a smile and a wave in his direction but otherwise no hello as she got back into the car with Grace, the two already chattering away quickly about details that James tuned out. Nate helped get the luggage situated in the trunk, and then both went around the respective sides of the car before they were off again.

A lot of the questions that Shelby continuously asked on the drive to their hotel were of details that Grace thankfully had the answers to, so James stayed mostly quiet as his fiancé took care of the conversing part. Once they arrived at the hotel that Nate and Shelby were staying at, James helped get the bags out of the car and helped get them up to their room as well. Once they were all in the hotel room, Grace finally moved to his side and linked their fingers together, leaning up to kiss his cheek. When he looked down at her, she was giving him a smile that managed to get him to relax a little bit.

"What do you say to grabbing some lunch?" Shelby asked.

"James must know a good place or two, right?" Nate said.

They both looked at him and James let out a slight laugh, shrugging his shoulders. "Um, yeah, there's this Italian place about ten minutes from here, pretty good. Is Italian alright?"

There seemed to be a general consensus about the idea, and a couple minutes later, the four were on their way out the hotel room door once again. The restaurant thankfully wasn't too busy –James really didn't want to hear too much from Shelby about how there were too many people around making the place stuffy or something- and they got a nice table near a window to sit at, as well. After getting all situated at their table and looking over menus and putting their orders in with the waitress who came over to them, it seemed James couldn't avoid conversing with his soon-to-be in laws any longer.

"So, James, not getting cold feet are you?" Shelby asked.

There was a slightly taunting edge to her tone of voice, but a vaguely serious look in her eye, as if she believed that there was reason to think he was in fact getting cold feet at this point. James tried his best to ignore the sudden knot his stomach was working into.

"Nope. Feet are nice and toasty." He joked with a smile.

"And what about you, princess, you still excited about all this business?" Nate asked his daughter.

Grace turned to look at James and the two smiled widely at each other for a moment before she turned to face her father once again.

"He's awfully cute to say no to, don't you think?" she laughed.

James chuckled and shrugged jokingly. While Nate let out a laugh of his own, Shelby merely smiled, seeming almost more of a sneer. Before any more conversation could continue, their food was being brought to them and set down on the table. James eyed his plate of pasta for a moment, realizing just how not hungry he actually felt. Perhaps it was the nerves that came with being in the presence of Grace's parents, or perhaps it was something else entirely. Whatever the reason was, he felt more sick than hungry.

"Oh Grace, in just a handful of days, you'll be Mrs. Carmichael-Diamond." Shelby noted in between bites.

James's brow furrowed and he paused in pushing the noodles on his plate around to sit up a little straighter.

"Carmichael-Diamond?" He clarified.

He looked at Grace, but she wasn't looking at him just yet, sipping at her wine glass and nodding slowly as she looked at her mother. James was confused. Maybe he had just made an assumption in thinking that Grace was just going to take his last name, because that was how it tended to work. He knew it wasn't something they had ever really talked about, mostly because he just thought that getting married meant that the wife took on the husband's last name. If it was something Grace hadn't wanted, it was something that she had failed to mention to him. Based on the look on Shelby's face in response to his confusion, she must have known that he wasn't aware, too.

"I didn't know you were keeping your last name." He noted, lowering his voice a little as he leaned closer to Grace.

She looked at him finally with a slight frown, "I could have sworn I mentioned it."

"She has to keep the family name, you see, because of the benefits." Shelby said, as if that explained it all.

James pursed his lips and sank slightly in his seat, mumbling, "Yes, benefits, right."

And he knew what benefits she was referring to in this case, too. Money. Money and status. Two of the things that Shelby cared about the most, so why wouldn't she want her daughter to maintain that as well? It made some sense, but that didn't make it any less disappointing, or make James feel any less mediocre. For a moment he wondered just _how _upset Shelby must have been when she had first found out about Grace dating someone like him.

"Cheer up, sport. Last names are just for formalities. Besides, you'll be a part of the family, and the company, and that's nothing to really frown about, now is it?" Nate said.

James chuckled dryly and shook his head, "No, sir, I guess it isn't."

The rest of lunch was spent with James trying not to act as absolutely out of place and self conscious as he suddenly felt as conversation between the four continued. Once they were finished, James reached to cover the lunch bill, but Nate beat him to it. Something about even just that small gesture, given the previous topic of conversation, made James feel a little more insecure somehow. Grace decided to stay at the hotel and spend some time catching up with her parents and letting her mother in on the details of her dress and such, leaving James with a 'we'll talk later' and a kiss on the cheek when he dropped them all back off at the hotel.

It wasn't until almost a half hour had gone by after dropping them off that James realized he had driven past his mother's neighborhood three times, driving around aimlessly, lost in thought. Now he recalled why he had never been one to spend much time around the Carmichael family. Even when Grace went home for an event, James would stay by himself at their apartment half the time, not wanting to 'intrude.' Of course, Grace always tried to tell him that he was never intruding, especially after their engagement, but her family, her mother in particular, never seemed to fail in making him feel as if he didn't belong there, didn't belong with Grace, even. It wasn't as if he hadn't felt that way enough times on his own even when they'd been dating for just a little while.

James found it so strange that up until this point of his life, he had never worried much. All throughout high school, his insecurities were next to nonexistent. He was athletic, and good looking, and talented. He may not have had the book smarts, but that didn't matter when he flashed a smile, and he knew it. He had been cocky and self-absorbed. A lot of the time that just had to do with the fact that he wanted the attention. He wanted to be admired, and to know that people liked him. Maybe it was an only child thing, because being an only child with his mom had let him get pretty spoiled and get a lot of extra attention growing up. Maybe it was something else entirely, but growing up, James had never been the one to feel insecure about anything.

Even toward the end of and right after high school, he still had that same conceited bravado most of the time, albeit toned down quite a bit. He didn't go into college right off the bat like his friends did, he didn't even work right away either, his mom still happy to take care of him. He goofed off and did what he wanted. Which, at the time, involved spending time and developing whatever it was he had had with Logan. The showing up at Logan's dorm room late at night when Logan was in the middle of a cram session for a test, and all James wanted was to pin him against a wall and kiss him. The times where he would wake up in the morning and not want Logan to even look at him because he knew his hair had to be a horrendous mess, but Logan would just laugh quietly, run his fingers through the tousled brown locks, and tell him that he looked great no matter what.

The only person who made him feel a little gentler, a little less like he _had _to be full of himself in order to get other people to appreciate him too, was Logan. Logan had always appreciated him for everything he was and everything he did. There was never a question about why he acted the way that he did, never a comment about how stupid the fashion trend he was currently following was, never a criticism about not doing anything for himself or not being smart enough to do anything. There was never a moment where Logan had ever made James feel like he was beneath him in any way.

Breathing in deeply and letting out a heavy sigh, James squeezed his fingers around the steering wheel before making a turn onto a familiar street. It wasn't his mom's neighborhood, it was just a couple blocks over. He had skated over there hundreds of times in the past and knew the distance well. Why he thought that going to Logan's mom's house of all places was a good idea, he didn't quite know. All he knew was that he needed some sort of familiarity to calm him down, bring him back to feeling at least a little better about himself. It only occurred to him after he had parked his car and headed up the pathway to the door that he didn't even know if Logan would be here. The other boy had been living in a dorm the last time James had been in Minnesota and seen him. Still, James rang the doorbell as he got to the front door and a warm smile did come across his face as Joanna Mitchell opened the front door and gasped excitedly when her eyes caught on him.

"Hey, Mama Mitchell." He smiled.

"James Diamond, look at you!" The woman beamed. "You've grown up, oh my goodness! Come here, boy!"

He didn't even have a moment to lean forward himself before Joanna was yanking him into a tight hug, getting a chuckle out of him. He had almost forgotten just how much his friend's mothers had always been quick to act as if they were his mother as well.

"Get on in here, you've got to tell me how you've been, sweetie." Joanna said, ushering him inside.

James followed her inside the vaguely familiar house and he moved into the living room, sitting on the old, brown leather couch and biting his lip.

"Logan should be here in a half hour or so, Mondays are still Mom nights." Joanna explained, sitting down next to him.

James merely smiled and nodded. Mom nights were something that Logan had agreed to when he had first moved out to go live in a dorm. It was basically Joanna's way of making sure her nest wasn't _always _empty. James couldn't really say he was surprised to hear that it was still a regular thing, Logan was always really family oriented, and kind of a mama's boy.

"It's so quiet here with just you in the house." James pointed out conversationally.

"Oh, I've gotten used to it, it's been enough time since the nest's been emptied. I was actually just at Logan's new place last week. He's out of a dorm now, over in an apartment on Hampstead." She said proudly.

"Wow, that's awesome. Good for him." He nodded.

"Mhm. So," Joanna gently slapped her hand against James's knee, "You have a lot to tell me, mister. I mean, of course I've heard a lot from Logie and your mom, but I want to hear all the details from you, too. How are you doing? What's the city been like for you? And school, school too! And this wedding business, I want to hear all about that. It's been so long since I've seen you last. How are things, sweetie?"

"Wow, there really is a lot." James chuckled, eyebrows raising. "Um, well. I'm good. Really good, I guess, I mean, I'm getting married, so there's that."

Joanna snorted out a laugh and kinked a brow at him, "'So there's that?' That doesn't sound very excited to me, Jamie."

"No, no! Of course I'm excited, of course. It's a big change and I really like Grace and stuff." He said quickly.

Joanna eyed him for a moment, a silence hanging between them. If he were being honest, he didn't really want to feign enthusiasm for the wedding right at the current moment. Not that there was no enthusiasm in him anymore, he just wasn't in the mood after the lunch he had just had. Joanna seemed to notice something off about the topic, because she frowned. He shouldn't have been surprised, the woman knew him almost as well as his own mom did.

"Shall I give you another chance to try to sound more convincing or jump right to the 'what's wrong' part of the conversation?" she asked.

"Heh.. um…" James cleared his throat and looked down at his lap as his brow furrowed, "I- I am happy to be getting married. Grace means a lot to me, I wouldn't have asked her to marry me if I didn't want that, it's just that.. I don't know. It's less than a week away and it's suddenly really sinking in just what I'm getting myself into, you know? Like there's a whole other family I'm going to be a part of, and they- they're a lot.. different than I am."

"Different how?"

"Let's just say, in the Disney version, I'm Cinderella, Grace is Prince Charming."

"Yikes."

"Yeah…" James sighed and dropped his head into his hands for a moment before continuing. "Grace doesn't act like anything's that drastic, though, you know? When it's just me and her, there's none of that like status and money and whatever else talk that comes up so often with her family. Like it's just us, and we can be happy and goof off and do basically whatever we want, kind of. But that's not the way it's gonna work when we get married. She's gonna be my wife, and her family is gonna be my family, and they- or at least her mom, doesn't like me. Her dad's alright, I guess, I mean, he's offered me a job in their huge family company and everything, which is great, sort of, because I honestly have no other idea what I'm gonna do. Like what do you do with a major in business if you don't actually have a business? I just did that as a major because I felt like I had to have one so I didn't keep looking like an idiot for not knowing what the hell I wanted to be doing. I don't know, I just feel like-"

James cut himself off and stared straight ahead. He didn't really know where he was going with this, or what he was trying to get across. If he was trying to make it seem like he was more than happy to be marrying Grace, he knew that that wasn't how it was coming off, and a part of him was angry with himself for that. He should have been happy, ecstatic even. He was getting married in less than a week and here he was complaining about what he was getting himself into. Then there was the fact that he was letting all of this indecision out to the mother of the boy he was about ninety percent sure he was still in love with.

"Oh god, what am I doing?" Once again James dropped his head into his hands, this time hiding his face in them.

Joanna scooted closer to him on the couch and wrapped her arms around him comfortingly, and James found himself leaning into the embrace. This is what he had shown up here for, after all. Or at least to a certain extent. He wanted to be comforted, he wanted someone who wasn't going to judge him or make him feel like he wasn't good enough. He wanted someone to listen to what he had to say and not make him feel bad about it. While maybe he had been more hoping that it would be Logan himself, evidently Logan had learned that comforting nature from his mother, because Joanna was doing a pretty fantastic job at making him feel at least a little bit better, even if she wasn't saying anything yet. She kept her arms around him for a couple more moments, rubbing up and down his back, before she pulled away and James finally uncovered his face to look at her with a sad, confused expression.

"I can't tell you what to do, Jamie, you're twenty-two years old, and if you're here looking for a mom to kick your butt into gear, that's not what you're gonna get, because this is your life, and your decision to deal with." She started.

James frowned and took a deep breath, holding it for a few seconds.

"But," Joanna continued, "I will give you a little piece of advice. Marriage is a very, very big deal. While I know there's a whole lot of separation and divorce and all that out there in the world these days, getting married is meant to be a lifelong commitment to someone that you love and are ready to spend the rest of your life with. So if you are having serious second thoughts about this, and I mean more than just your normal, average, 'it's getting close to my wedding day and I'm nervous' kind of second thoughts, then you might need to really evaluate whether or not you're doing the right thing here, sweetie."

"How do I know, though?" James asked quietly.

Joanna gave him a small, sad smile and shook her head slowly, "Only you can know that for sure, sweetheart. You've got to think about how you feel and what you want. It's not gonna be pretty if you decide not to go through with this, but then it's not gonna be pretty if you do and then sometime down the line you realize it was a mistake, either. But you're the only one who can make that decision for yourself, James. No one else is gonna magically walk through a door and make your mind up for you right when you need it."

Just then, the front door opened. If James hadn't known who it was coming through the door, he might have actually laughed at the irony of the timing.

"So Mom, get this, last semester professor Phillips had us each do presentations on various forms of diseases, right? Well, today he emailed and asked me if he could show my presentation at-" Logan cut off in his enthusiastic announcement as he came around the small corner into the living room and saw James sitting with his mother on the couch. "James."

There was a look of a combination of surprise and confusion on his face. He took a moment to shake his head as if to clear it, then cleared his throat for good measure.

"I mean, James, hi. I didn't know you were going to be here." He said.

"I was just about to leave, actually." James replied with an awkward grimace.

He pushed himself up off the couch to his feet and gave a small smile to Joanna as she stood up beside him. He thanked her quietly and she hugged him tightly once again, murmuring a soft 'good luck, Jamie' to him before letting him go. He gave a half smile and nod in Logan's direction as he moved passed him to get to the door.

"Hey, James, hold on." Logan called behind him.

James halted with his hand on the doorknob and half turned to see Logan moving toward him. Logan moved closer to him than James was anticipating, causing the taller boy's hand to tighten on the doorknob for a moment as he swallowed.

"Are you okay?" Logan asked.

Despite the fact that he was keeping his voice quiet, James caught the concern in it. There was a little bit more of that comfort he had been looking for in coming here in the first place, but mixed with that was something else, too, something that caused a pang in his chest. He realized it must have been the guilt that he usually felt when he thought about Logan. Only now it wasn't so much feeling guilty because he was thinking about Logan in ways he shouldn't be because of Grace, it was more of him feeling guilty because no matter what he seemed to do, how badly he had hurt Logan in the past, the other boy was always there for him. Always there to show concern and to lend a helping hand if necessary, regardless of any of that. Logan was good, he always had been, and James just felt.. _bad_.

He had spent the last two years acting as if Logan barely existed, let alone that he actually had ever cared for him on any level. Their parting hadn't been a goodbye, it might as well have been an 'I never want to see you again' complete with doors slammed in faces. Yet, here was Logan, right now, after all of that, even being aware of James's impending marital fate in just a few short days, showing his concern for his best friend as if nothing had ever changed. James felt torn between crying and throwing his arms around him. Somehow –thankfully- he managed to contain both urges and instead cleared his throat and barely nodded.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Good." He muttered.

"James…" Logan replied knowingly.

Because of all people in the world, Logan would be the one able to tell when James was only pretending to be okay, and James knew that, too. So before Logan could get into more questioning, the brunette quickly deviated from the subject.

"We need to look into a tux for you. You know, for the wedding and all." He said.

Logan pursed his lips and nodded once, "Right."

"If you're not busy, we could go tomorrow?" James offered.

"I work til three, but if you want to meet up at like four, yeah, I guess that's good. Gotta get it done, right?" Logan asked with a half smile.

James nodded and pressed his lips together.

"Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow then." Logan said.

"Tomorrow." James repeated.

Logan's lips quirked upward momentarily, a small, somewhat amused smile coming to his face. Just like a few days before in the hockey rink when he had smiled at him then, James felt a hammering in his chest. Before the urge to throw himself at the shorter boy became any stronger than it already was, James nodded once with the best smile he could muster up then quickly opened the front door and hurried out to his car.

The drive back to his mom's was only about five minutes, and once the car was parked out front and shut off, James dropped his head down to lean it against the steering wheel. Blowing out a heavy sigh, he closed his eyes. As if he was still standing in the doorway at Joanna's house with his smiling best friend in front of him, he could see the picture of Logan's face. The dimples, the way his brown eyes were almost shining as they met his. How even the tiniest of smiles from Logan managed to practically cripple James almost every time was beyond him. James groaned to himself, frustrated, as he moved his head off the steering wheel and leaned it back against his seat. Chewing at the inside of his lip, he shook his head at himself.

"How you feel and what you want." He mumbled to himself, repeating back what Joanna had told him he needed to think about.

What was seemingly so hard for him to accept was the fact that he was pretty sure he already knew what he wanted. The problem was that it wasn't what everyone currently thought he did.


	6. Chapter 6

_**A/N; Hi! Sorry, this chapter took me ages. Writer's block has not been kind to me lately. The ending was really hard for me to get to for some reason, and I'm still not exactly perfectly happy with the somewhat abrupt way it cuts off, but I have the next chapter planned out already and I didn't want to delve into that in this one already. Hopefully it's still alright, though and you guys like it! Things are a little more complicated this chapter, and stuff just starts going more and more in the same direction from here on out, so hold on to your seats, bumpy ride ahead :P**_

_**As always, thanks so so much to all my reviewers/commenters/favoriters! You're all awesome and I appreciate it so, so much, so thank you, really!**_

_**Hope you enjoy! :)**_

_**-Kay.**_

* * *

**Chapter 6**-

That night was the first time in a long time James found himself arguing with Grace. They had always had their little moments of disagreeing and bickering, and even a few bigger fighting instances in the past, but it had been a pretty long time since either of them had had a reason to pick a fight with one another. Grace had successfully managed to avoid the topic of the last name situation through dinner with Brooke and even afterwards when she had offered to help the woman with the clean up. It was when she and James were getting ready for bed that James had finally brought it up again, and not as kindly as he probably should have.

"So are you going to explain to me why you didn't tell me that you were keeping your last name, or are you going to leave me coming up with my own reasoning?" he asked, his tone sharp.

He was tired and had a lot on his mind, making his irritable, but even still, he couldn't bring himself to feel apologetic for snapping at the blonde at the moment, all things considered. Grace rolled her blue eyes and shook her head as she blew out a sigh.

"I don't see why this is such an issue, James, honestly." She said.

"Maybe because here I was thinking you were going to be Mrs. Diamond, and now, five days before we're supposed to be getting married, I find out that's now what's happening. I mean, if you'd said something sooner I might not be quite as- Okay, no, I'd still be pretty bothered, but whatever."

"I'm still taking your name, too, I'm just keeping the family name with it. It's not as big a deal as you're making it out to be."

"Maybe it is a big deal to me, Grace. Maybe it's a big deal because you have to keep your 'family name' in order to have your entitlement to things because without Carmichael, you lose all that came with that, right? I don't have all of that to give you like you're used to, so you have to keep that safety net so you actually have _something _worth it. You need that sense of security and just having me doesn't cut it."

Grace froze and scowled at him. "That- That's not even _remotely_-"

She shook her head abruptly, clenching her teeth together. Noticing the tears that were starting to brim in the girl's eyes, James felt guilty and almost immediately got into apologizing, but Grace cut him off, throwing a pillow at him. He caught it stiffly and swallowed as he kept his hazel eyes on her.

"I think I want to be alone for the night." She muttered.

"Grace, I-"

"Good _night, _James." She snapped, cutting him off with a stern glare. "We can talk again in the morning, but right now…" she shook her head.

Taking a deep breath, James's jaw tightened. He nodded before going to the door, pillow at his side. He turned off the light switch and spared one last glance as his fiancé in bed before shutting the door to the guest bedroom and standing out in the hallway for a minute. Mentally cursing himself for throwing a fit instead of being an adult about the situation and actually talking it out calmly, James moped his way down the stairs to the living room to lie down on the couch. He said silent thanks for the fact that his mom was locked away in her bedroom for the night and didn't come out to check on him, whether she was actually sleeping or she felt he deserved to sulk a little bit. The couch served to continue his streak of restless nights, and he found he wasn't in a much better mood come morning than he had been when he had first trudged his way downstairs to the couch in the first place.

His mom was already up in the kitchen, making coffee when he rolled over and very nearly fell off the couch. Sighing, he got to his feet and went into the kitchen. Brooke glanced up from what she was reading momentarily, then shutting the magazine as she saw her son coming in.

"Sleep well?" She asked sarcastically.

"Fantastic." James mumbled.

Brooke took a moment to eye James up and down before she clicked her tongue disapprovingly and shook her head. "Fighting this close to the wedding day…"

"We're fine, Mom, don't worry." James said softly.

"Yes, because resorting to sleeping on the couch is the epitome of a _fine _relationship."

"It was just me getting worked up over something small," he explained, only half lying, "You know how bad a temper I can have sometimes, I was just frustrated, that's all. Everything's still good."

"Don't you lie to me, James Diamond." Brooke scolded.

James's eyebrows shot up in both surprise and confusion. His mother glanced toward the entryway of the kitchen, making sure Grace wasn't walking in just then. She leaned on the counter, leaning closer to him and meeting his eyes.

"I got a concerned phone call from Joanna Mitchell last night."

James stiffened, the color draining from his face. "Shit…"

Brooke nodded once, "She said that she was very worried about you and your situation with this wedding."

"Mom, look-"

"Now, I didn't get a lot of details because she felt it wasn't her place to share what you had to say, but if there's something wrong, James, you need to tell me about it and talk to me."

"Mom, it's-"

"Sweetheart, I can't help you if I don't know what's wrong."

"_Mom!_"

James's face was practically hysterical, desperate. He quickly reached for his mom's hands and squeezed both of them as he bit his lip and shook his head. He didn't know what to say, what to tell her. That he wasn't sure getting married was what he actually wanted right now? That he suddenly wasn't sure he was tying the knot with the right person after all?

Brooke had been so ecstatic to hear about her only child finally taking such a huge step in his life, a step for his future. She had been so proud of him. It'd been the first time in a long time that James could actually say anyone was really proud of him for something. How was he supposed to destroy all of that for her? Especially after all the great lot of nothing else he had really done or amounted up to until now.

"Everything's fine, alright? I swear. Everything is totally and completely fine. Yesterday was an off day for me, but I'm alright, I am. There's no reason to freak out and worry, okay?"

Brooke hesitated, watching her son wearily, but finally let out a sigh and nodded slowly. James breathed out heavily and slumped his shoulders.

"I just don't want to see you lose something this important." The woman said.

James resisted the urge to flinch. He wasn't sure who exactly it was most important for anymore. Sure, it was still a certain level of important to him, but there was so much else going on in his head, half the time the wedding and marriage itself wasn't even his first priority. Maybe that was what Joanna had been trying to tell him he needed to think about, priorities.

It wasn't too long after he had managed to calm his mother down for the most part that Grace came to join them in the kitchen, too. Almost immediately, James was hurrying to apologize, but with a small smile and a shake of her head, Grace told him everything was fine and that she was sorry, too. Admittedly he was glad that there wasn't more fighting to be had, but something still wasn't exactly settled in his gut and that bothered him. He should have felt more reassured that everything was fine between him and his wife to be, but some part of him –as much as he hated to think about it- was almost disappointed that there wasn't more fight to be had. Which was strange, given James wasn't much of a fighter in the first place. Half the time he got too exasperated and stubborn in an argument that he would either lash out and say something stupid that he couldn't take back without thinking or he would just walk away before the fight was even over, leaving whoever he was arguing with to come to him if they wanted to fix things. With Grace, he was quick to apologize and suddenly regretful as soon as he had apologized. However, as they went about their day, it was something that he actively worked to repress.

Grace knew that later on in the afternoon he was going to be meeting up with Logan for the best man's tux fitting, but the two spent the greater portion of the day together. It was mildly refreshing for James, because instead of sitting around and going over more wedding details or talking about her parents, they watched a movie together and later ended up looking at old photo albums that James went digging out of a closet his mom had them tucked away in. Pointing and laughing at the silly childhood photos with Grace stifling her giggles behind her hand at his side made him happy. For hours he couldn't seem to wipe the smile off of his face. Maybe it was being just the two of them, maybe it was the reminiscing, or maybe it was a combination of the two. Whatever it was, when he finally dropped Grace off at the hotel to spend some time with her parents again before he went to go meet up with Logan at the suit shop, James was in a much better mood than he had anticipated being in.

Logan wasn't there yet when he arrived, which for some reason he found a little bit of comfort in. It gave him some time to mentally prepare himself, he supposed. The little suit shop was the exact same one that the four of them had all had to go to before prom, both junior and senior year of high school. The same family still owned the place, and James nodded with a polite smile at the eldest daughter, standing behind the register, as he stepped in. Distracting himself, he moved over to one of the tables stacked with finely pressed and folded dress shirts in various colors. He chuckled softly to himself as he eyed the more brightly colored shirts, recalling how senior year Carlos has suggested that James wear one of the red ones. "You looked good in red last year." The Latino had said, in reference to junior year's dress situation. James could remember the sound of Logan's laugh at the comment as if he was hearing it right then.

"Think I could pull off the lilac one?"

James flinched momentarily at the familiar joking voice taking him surprise. Logan laughed and James too managed a chuckle finally as he turned to look at the shorter boy. He looked tired, but had a smile on his face all the same. His white v-neck t-shirt and faded jeans fit to his body perfectly, James noticed. Realizing he was getting distracted in staring at his friend, the brunette cleared his throat.

"Long day at work?" he asked conversationally.

Logan shrugged with one shoulder and absently toyed with the suit jacket sleeve on the mannequin next to him. "Almost every day is sort of a long day, but I don't mind so much."

"What are you doing these days anyway?" James asked.

"I work at the hospital."

When James's eyebrows shot up in surprise, Logan laughed lightly and shook his head.

"I'm not like performing surgeries or anything. Right now it's just ward attendance. Staff's been low in the past year or so for the children's ward, so some of the med students from the university were offered jobs, upon professor recommendation. It's a lot of observational type things for now, in terms of the medical part. Otherwise it's like, bringing in meals, changing sheets, watching the kids while they play in the play room. I read to a little circle of them, too. They seem to like me." The dark haired boy shrugged, but there was a faint, proud smile on his face.

James's hazel eyes stayed locked on Logan's face, a smile of his own forming. It hadn't occurred to him before when the last time he had even heard how his best friend was doing was. Back in New York, when Kendall had come on his visits, the blonde would always drop oh so subtle hints about what Logan was up to, but it was typically something that James either chose to ignore entirely or quickly move passed, not wanting to think about him. Listening to Logan talk about doing something so caring, and in such close correlation to what he wanted to make a lifelong career of brought out a certain sense of pride in the taller young man. Being proud of Logan was something that James had often been in the past, even if it was something as simple as Logan getting his thousandth A on an assignment. There had always been a certain look in Logan's brown eyes when James told him how proud he was of him. For a long time it was one of James's favorite things in the world.

"That's really great, Logan." He mused, smiling faintly.

Logan nodded slowly and smiled back at him, causing James to purposely avert his eyes hurriedly so to avoid the all too familiar quickening in his chest when he spent too long looking at that perfect dimpled smile. Suddenly it was all business, James getting into explaining that they needed to find Logan a jacket, shirt, pants, and bowtie. Logan made a joke about how the last time he had worn a bowtie was prom and he wasn't sure he could still tie one that James barely chuckled at before they headed back into the dressing room area. They were the only two back there at the moment, which made James feel a little better since he was sort of just awkwardly standing outside one of the curtained rooms as he waited for Logan to try on what they had grabbed for him.

James chewed thoughtfully at his lip as he waited, one hand absently toying with the hem of his gray polo shirt. His mind felt like it was in a dozen different places at once. He actively tried to keep thinking of obvious distractions; three days until he was getting married, tomorrow night was the bachelor party, day after that was rehearsal, day after that was it. He would be a married man. Circulating the next few days around and around in his head seemed to make him not think about the fact that Logan was undressing just a few feet away from him behind a curtain. Not that he should have been thinking about that in the first place. Priorities, he was supposed to be thinking about priorities.

"So I was right about the tie, it's not happening." Logan's voice pulled him from his reverie.

He slid the curtain to the dressing room to the side and smiled sheepishly at James before stepping out of the small cubicle and out onto the step in front of the half circle of full length mirrors. Logan was looking at his own reflection in a scrutinizing manner, but James couldn't take his eyes of off the boy himself. Logan had left the bowtie undone, just draped beneath the white collar of the button down shirt that was tucked into black pants and under a black suit jacket. For all of about two seconds James thought back to junior and senior proms before the image of Logan in a tux took him elsewhere.

It had only ever crossed his mind exactly one other time before now. The night that Logan had told him he loved him, he had stared into those chocolate brown eyes for what felt like forever and he had really imagined. Imagined what a life with Logan could be like. They were best friends, of course that wouldn't have ever changed, but love? When it was just the two of them they were completely capable of lying with their arms wrapped around one another, whether it was just while they watched something or long after clothes had been torn off and their bodies were well worn out after working at each other. Love meant a lot more than just being with each other, though. Love meant being _out _about it all. Before that night James had never given it thought, never thought that he needed to. However, for the first time, after Logan said those three little but somehow simultaneously huge words, James had looked at Logan and imagined a future.

He had thought about telling their friends and families, he had thought about the two of them going places together and being able to hold Logan's hand while they were out. He had imagined the two of them in a small apartment together, just the two of them, Logan coming home from school and being home already by the time James got off of work. He had even thought of them running off to some other state that had already decided to legalize gay marriage and just get it done, because if Logan loved him then he was set. He didn't need anyone else, didn't want anyone else. Of course, fear had gotten the better of him then, but that didn't change his thoughts now.

And now he was looking at Logan, and it felt like that night all over again. It felt like his heart was going to fly right out of his chest at any second, because he could see a life all over again. A life that some part of him, a much bigger part than he thought there should be, wanted. He could see Logan, looking clean and proper in the very suit he was in now, waiting for him at an altar, a wide dimpled smile on his face. He could see himself there, taking his best friends hands, both of them promising to be each other's forever. They could be, he thought. Maybe they _should _be.

"James?"

Suddenly James felt his cheeks burning, ashamed as if Logan could actually read his thoughts. Considering he was getting married in three days to someone who was not who he had just been fantasizing about getting married to, he figured there was enough reason to feel embarrassed, regardless of whether Logan knew the actual reason. He cleared his throat and snapped back to reality, looking at Logan questioningly.

"I asked what you thought, but evidently there's something else on your mind." The dark haired boy chuckled.

James tried not to sound as nervous as he felt as he let out a slight laugh. Slowly, almost without thinking, he moved over to stand in front of Logan, bringing his hands up from his sides to tie the silky material around his best friend's neck the way it should be. Standing up on the step like he was made Logan right around James's height, their faces only about half a foot from one another's. The close proximity felt almost electrifying somehow, and James realized that he missed it. Missed not only being figuratively or emotionally close with Logan, but physically, too. It was overwhelming him and he didn't know what to do about it, or even if he should try to do anything about it.

"You look great." He said finally, voice soft. "Maybe we'll get you a clip on one of these, though. We had to get one of them for Carlos, too."

"He was always bad with ties." Logan laughed lightly.

A small smile made its way onto James's face as he nodded. As he finished tying the tie as it needed to be, he let his hands fall heavily down to his sides once again. Everything seemed to slow down for a moment as he glanced Logan up and down a couple times before finally meeting his eyes. The shining brown orbs were focused intently on him, filled with a combination of expectation and curiosity. For a moment James wished that he could read minds, because the expression in those eyes wasn't telling him enough. He needed to know what Logan was thinking, what he was _feeling_. Was he feeling the same way right now, being this close to each other? Did he ever think the same things James did? It wasn't as if the brunette could very well just blurt out questions about it. It wasn't something he had ever talked about with anyone. He had never even been able to tell Logan those couple years ago that he loved him back, how was he supposed to be able to ask if those feelings were still there at all now?

For a fleeting second, he had an idea. A test, as it were. It was stupid, and it was definitely not exactly the right thing to do given certain circumstances in his life at the current moment, but the desire to know was overwhelming him and he couldn't take it. Sucking in a sharp breath, James closed the distance between their faces, fully intending to crash his lips against the other boy's. Only, at the last second, Logan jerked his head to the side, causing James's lips to only brush along his cheek. Squeezing his eyes shut tightly, James felt his cheeks burn in embarrassment again. He hadn't thought that through clearly at all and what he had thought would be the element of surprise, Logan had seen coming. Instead of getting any sort of reassurance from the fact that he had to be aware of _something _being there in order to know that was coming, James just felt mortified. There was a sick turning in his stomach, but he didn't move. Shockingly, neither did Logan.

"James, what are you doing?" he whispered finally.

The tiniest jerk of his head was all the brunette could muster up. The worst part was that the question was so broad, and that was most likely exactly how Logan had intended it to be. He wasn't just asking what he was doing now, in that moment, but he was asking what he was doing there, what he was doing getting married, what he was doing with his life. What was the hardest for James to accept was that he didn't have an answer to any of those questions, but he wished so much that he did. He wanted to have the answers to everything. He wanted to know exactly what he wanted and how to get it. He wanted to be confident enough to not only know but also achieve, but some small part of him was constantly holding him back.

It wasn't just with Logan either. Sure, the biggest mistakes he had seemed to make involved him not having the courage to be honest and open with Logan like his friend deserved, but that wasn't all it was. James didn't have the courage for a lot of things. He liked to talk a good game and act like he was perfect, but in reality, he knew he was far from it. He had no idea what he wanted to be doing, where he wanted to go. When he had gotten tired of telling people he didn't know what he was doing in school, he settled on the simplest option he could find. Meeting Grace and dating her had kept him happy and made him feel balanced somehow, but getting introduced to her family, he had never had the courage to admit how lost and intimidated he was. Then he was handed a silver platter with a job and a wife and a _future _and he didn't have the strength to say no to any of that because he thought it was his one shot. It was what made his mother proud of him and it was what was going to give him some kind of life. Ever since coming back to Minnesota, almost every second had been spent questioning all of that, ridiculing himself for being weak and indecisive. Something inside of him always pulled him back and told him that he deserved what he got handed, and anyone else deserved better than him.

"You can't do this to me, Jamie." Logan murmured softly, his voice cracking.

James's jaw tightened, but he still didn't say anything. Logan took it upon himself to keep talking in the quiet. He never was one for uncomfortable silences.

"You can't.. after two years, and coming back here to get married… It's too late for this now, and you can't just test the waters out to see if you're really done because I- I never was. I'm still not, and if you play this little 'is there still something there' game and you find out there isn't, and you laugh it off in that way that you do and you still go off and get married to this girl, I'll die." He was talking quickly, his words starting to run together here and there in that tell tale nervous way.

"I didn't mean- I didn't think. I'm sorry." James muttered, shaking his head.

Of all the things that he could have said in that moment, it seemed like the stupidest. Logan finally moved a step back away from him and even just that small amount of distance felt somehow gaping. There was a sadness in Logan's eyes and James honestly wished for a moment that someone would punch him in the gut, because maybe that would be easier to take. A silence hung between them for several moments before Logan moved back into the dressing room to get out of the suit, leaving James alone with his frustration toward himself. When he came back out once again in his regular clothes, the taller boy looked at his friend apologetically.

"Logan-"

"I can't do this."

James's brow furrowed in confusion. Logan shook his head and tossed his hands up in gesture to the store around them.

"I thought I could. I thought I could do the best friend thing and step up and be a man, do this for you because it was what you wanted, but I can't. I don't want to stand up there and watch you promise to share your life with somebody else."

"You-" He was going to argue. He was going to protest and plead with him, that he had to be there, that he needed him there, but instead what came out was a quiet, "You shouldn't have to…"

Logan nodded stiffly, pressing his lips together, and once again James wished he could tell what his friend was thinking. There was another heavy silence between them before the shorter male turned to hang up the garments he had tried out on the rack near the entryway to the changing area and leave. They didn't say anything else, and James's feet stayed planted where they were as he watched Logan walk away from him. There was an aching in his chest, a screaming in his head that told him not to let him. It said to go after him, to tell him that he had made a mistake and it had taken him this long to realize it, but he wanted to fix it. But maybe when Logan had said it was too late now, that was the truth. Maybe he had screwed things up so royally, there was no going back. He had his life laid out for him now, and while he was realizing each day that it became closer to being a reality that it wasn't actually what he wanted, that was what he was getting. After all of the mistakes he had made, after wasting so much time not making his mind up, shouldn't he just have to accept that?

Some part of him, in the back of his mind, told him that that wasn't fair. Not fair to him, not fair to Grace or Logan or the Carmichaels or his mom. He felt sick. Sick to his stomach and a little sick of himself, too, if he were honest. More now than before James had no idea what he was going to do. Telling Grace that he had tried to kiss Logan and that was the reason he was no longer going to be best man seemed out of the question, because that was a lot more baggage than he was ready to dump. Yet, not telling her was also the wrong thing to do, wasn't it?

Clenching his teeth tightly together and squeezing his hands in and out of fists at his sides, James finally sulked back out to his car. Three days. He had three days to figure his shit out before it was too late, before he would make possibly the second biggest mistake of his life. Pulling away from the curb finally, hands gripped tightly to the steering wheel, James blew out a breath he hadn't been fully aware he was holding in, mumbling to himself a bitter, "Good luck to you, James."


	7. Chapter 7

_**A/N; This took me ages and ages to update, and I'm sorry! This chapter's kind of on the long side to make up for it? Actually it just dragged on longer than I intended, but shhh, we'll pretend. Things are starting to get to a boiling point here, so there's only so much left!**_

_**As always, huge huge thank you's to everyone who's followed/favorited and/or commented/reviewed. I really, really appreciate it a lot, so thank you guys.**_

_**Hope you enjoy this chapter :)**_

_**-Kay.**_

* * *

**Chapter 7-**

Unsurprisingly, James found there was more fighting to be had that night after he returned from the suit shop. While he made up a poor and inaccurate excuse as to why Logan had changed his mind about being best man after all, Grace still had not take well to the news. It was so close to the day of the wedding already, and he had promised her that everything would be fine. He couldn't exactly blame her for being upset, all things considered, but it didn't help to relieve the sick feeling in his stomach at all either.

It was another night that he ended up restless on the couch downstairs. This time, however, he wasn't only on edge because of his fighting with his wife to be. He couldn't keep his mind from wandering to what had happened back while he had been out with Logan. He felt like an idiot. For thinking he would be able to get away with something like trying to kiss Logan, for once again being the source of the painful sadness that had crossed his best friend's face, for adding to the tension between him and his fiancé. Saying he had simply made a mistake or screwed up felt like far too big an understatement.

The next morning didn't go particularly well either. Grace put on a smile and a friendly demeanor for the sake of his mother while they all shared the kitchen, but as James drove the blonde to the airport to meet up with her sisters for the day, she was silent, giving him the cold shoulder. Grace's oldest sister, Victoria, noticed her little sister's bad mood right off the bat and took to treating James coldly as well. Not that her sisters had ever been particularly fond of him in the first place to make the treatment all that surprising. It was still piling up more reasons for him to question why he was getting himself into this in the first place, and he halfway hated that.

He had never been more thankful for the time with the guys that evening. With the wedding rehearsal being the next day, they had to have the bachelor party the night before that instead of the night before the wedding. It had mostly been James's idea to do it that way since he was about ninety percent sure Kendall would have him drunk beyond belief for the night. Granted, after the tension he'd been dealing with all day he was almost excitedly looking forward to it. Grace and her sisters were doing their own little bachelorette party, spa and club hopping thing while he was out with the guys, so he didn't need to worry about her so much. What he felt himself most concerned with once he pulled up outside of Kendall's place was the fact that he knew it was only going to be him, Kendall, and Carlos tonight. A fundamental piece of their square was missing.

And he knew it was his fault.

Trying his best to put thoughts of that variety to the side, James put on the best smile he could muster up and got out of the car finally. Further confirming his assumption that Kendall planned to get him wasted the for night, the blonde informed him that they would be taking a cab to and from the bar so that none of them had to "do any of that designated driver crap," as he put it. So the three friends hopped in the cab, ready for their crazy night out –or in James's case, as ready as he thought he was going to be.

Naturally, Kendall and Carlos both refused to let James pay for any of the drinks that continuously came to them. He knew he was lucky to have such great friends, and he was actually having a pretty good time, quickly getting to a nice buzz as they laughed and reminisced about their good old days. Every once in a while James would catch on to the abrupt way Carlos would cut off mid-story because it was getting to a point where he would have been talking about Logan. That was usually when the tall brunette would take a particularly long swig of whatever drink was in front of him at the time.

"Alright, boys, am I gonna have to cut you off?" The vaguely familiar blonde waitress teased with a smile as she brought each of them another beer.

Kendall gave her a lopsided grin and slung an arm around her small shoulders, "Jo, come on now, we're celebrating!"

Recognition suddenly lit up James's face as he pointed toward the girl. "Jo Taylor!"

Jo rolled her eyes with a slight smile, obviously familiar with the stupid antics of drunk bar goers. "Hello to you, too, James."

"What are you doing working at a bar in stupid old Minnesota still? I thought you wanted to be on TV."

"I did." She shrugged, stacking empty glasses on her tray. "Then I met someone."

"Oh, oh, oh! This is such a good story!" Carlos declared excitedly after chugging down half of his beer.

"What story?" James asked curiously.

Jo flashed not only a smile, but her left hand this time as well. James's hazel eyes caught on the diamond that twinkled from her ring finger and gulped down some of his drink to attempt to settle the slight turning that his stomach started to do.

"You're behind the game, Diamond. I already did the marriage thing." She joked.

"Who'd you marry?"

"Not me." Kendall chuckled, earning a smack upside the head.

The two blondes exchanged a grin, despite Jo's hitting him, and for a moment James thought back to when the two of them had dated back in high school. Back then it had seemed so simple. Kendall and Jo were the "it" couple, and everyone loved them, almost as much as they seemed to love each other. It had shocked even James when they broke up in the middle of senior year. At one point in time he had honestly believed they would be those high school sweethearts that got married and had kids together after graduation. Even then it had seemed like Kendall had life figured out. Since graduating and them getting a few years older, that had changed more than had been anticipated. Apparently simplicity wore off.

"His name's Luke. Met him in my first semester of college." Jo explained. "He's really nice, funny. Smart, too. We got married about a year ago, when he was back here on leave for the holidays."

"On leave?"

"Military." Carlos muttered, nudging him with his elbow as if he should have known that.

Jo nodded, a fond smile gracing her features, "He's in the Army, stationed in Germany most of the year. We Skype and write and all that as often as possible."

"Couldn't you have gone with him? Like aren't their exceptions or whatever for wives?"

Hardly anyone knew it aside from himself and Logan, but military had actually been one of the things that James had thought about getting into after high school, since he didn't really know what else to do at the time. Of course, the whole idea had lasted all of about two days before it occurred to him how he was so not mentally or emotionally prepared for all the crap he could see or go through in the military. Not to mention the fact that Logan had practically looked like he might have a heart attack on the spot when James had merely mentioned it in passing at the time.

"Luke wanted me to, but I told him I wanted to stay here."

James looked at her questioningly over the top of the glass he was slowly drinking from. With a sigh, Jo set down her tray on the empty table beside theirs.

"It's like this," she started, "Here's home. It may be as boring as boring is, but I grew up here, and Luke spent a few years living here, too. I'd love to be where he is, see him in person more than I do, but sometimes love's a little about sacrifice, compromise. The reason I don't wanna go there and he doesn't try to force me to be there is because I want to be here for him to come back to. This is where we met, where we fell in love, and it's where he can come back and feel safe and loved, and just _home_, you know?"

James's eyes flicked momentarily to Kendall who was shot gunning what was left of his beer with a flat expression. Vaguely, James wondered if it bothered his friend at all to hear all of these things. To hear that someone he once loved was so in love and so happy with someone else. He knew if it were him, he'd hate it. A sudden pang hit his chest as Logan crossed his mind.

What if Logan ever found someone else? Got married? Started a life where he was happy and in love with someone he met at med school or something? What if every time that fond, admiring smile crossed Logan's face, it wasn't for him anymore? No, that couldn't happen. But that must have been how Logan felt now, wasn't it? Seeing James getting ready to spend the rest of his life with Grace. There was a tightening in his chest suddenly, a sinking feeling in his gut.

"Jo, you should write Hallmark cards. Or Nicholas Sparks books." Carlos drawled with a giddy smile.

"They wouldn't be Nicholas Sparks books if she wrote them, genius." Kendall snorted.

James chuckled half awkwardly before quickly chugging down his drink. The world spun a little faster for a second and he swayed slightly with a laugh as he set his glass down again. Jo was sweetly mumbling some form of thanks to Carlos as she hoisted up her tray again before turning back to them.

"One more round of shots, just for celebration's sake, then it's off with you, got it?" She kinked a brow with a slight smirk.

"Make it two shots, please. And take one with us." James bargained.

"She can't." Kendall interjected.

Jo's cheeks flushed momentarily as she tucked a blonde curl behind her ear and glanced out of the corner of her eye at Kendall before she agreed to bring them each two more shots and going off to fetch them. James had kinked a brow and was looking at Kendall suspiciously, but the blonde's attention didn't turn to him once again until Jo was back behind the bar to fix their shots.

"What?" he asked with a roll of his green eyes.

"What was that?" James retorted.

Kendall pursed his lips and shrugged with one shoulder. "She's.. Fuck it, everyone else in town knows. She's pregnant. About two months along now."

"And you know this because…?"

"Well, James, unlike you, I stay friends with the girls I date." Kendall teased with a waggle of his eyebrows.

Carlos lost himself in a fit of laughter at that particular comment, but even James found himself chuckling, even if there was the slightest hint of guilt in it. When Jo came back with the six shots for them on the tray and set them on the table, James gave her a smile and made it a point to lean in close and mutter a congratulations to her. The girl gave him a one-armed hug and stood up on her toes to kiss his cheek and wish him the same. Somehow receiving the congratulations didn't make him feel as good as he figured she intended it to. Once she had walked away again, Carlos was quick to shoot out a hand for one of the shots of Jack, but Kendall abruptly swatted his hand away.

"Actually," he started, "I think I wanna see if James can still do quick shots like he could back in the day."

"You want me to _die_, don't you." James tilted his head back over dramatically, despite the grin on his face.

"You're drunk, but you're not drunk enough, Diamond. This is like your last guy's night on earth. You're going to planet husband here soon, might as well enjoy this." Kendall taunted.

"Do it, do it, do it, do it." Carlos chanted, pounding his fists on the small table with a wide smile on his face.

For two seconds, James was expecting another voice to chime in. A voice that would have been blabbering away about how "it was stupid to take multiple shots in quick succession because it was prone to cause an upheaval reaction." The tallest young man almost even looked to his right, right where the other boy would have been standing if he were actually there. Instead, however, if only to distract himself from what he was now thinking about, he reached out and took the first shot, shooting it back fast.

Kendall and Carlos were laughing and cheering for him already as he reached for the second. His throat was burning by the third and his nose was wrinkled up. After the fourth he shook his head as if to clear it but only made the quickly increasing dizziness he had coming on even worse. The fifth shot he practically choked on, half laughing as he heard Carlos say something along the lines of "how dead do you think we are for getting him hammered?" James didn't care. Grace could be angry, his mom could be angry. Almost anyone in the world could be angry at him and he wouldn't care right then because his head was so above the clouds in a spinning, colorfully lit place that he could barely seem to focus on.

He was barely steady on his feet after finally taking down the sixth shot, laughing and swiping the back of his hand across his mouth once he was finished. His two friends were clapping and hollering. He was pretty sure one of them clapped him on the shoulder and shook him slightly, but he wasn't entirely positive that part was real.

This was what he had been looking for in coming out tonight. The feeling that nothing could touch him. That the world was nothing but a surreal blur with no expectations, no one waiting for him, no one wanting anything from him. There was just this light, airy feeling of bliss. There was the dizziness too, but that part mostly just made him laugh. Really laugh, for the first time in what felt like forever. He was practically doubled over with his forehead pressed to his arm on the table when Carlos was ducking under said arm to help the taller boy stay steady.

"Where're we going?" James slurred, slumping against his friend.

Admittedly he was a little surprised at the ease Carlos had in holding him up considering how small he had always seemed.

"We're going home, you heathen." Kendall chuckled. "We've done you enough damage for the night. We all need to pass the hell out."

Carlos was leading the way to the door, barely helping a stumbling and dizzy James along with him. Kendall detoured off for a minute, and James noticed that his friend was saying good night to Jo, as well as making sure to leave her an extra tip. Once they were outside to wait for the cab, James blearily turned toward the blonde.

"You still love her, huh?" he asked.

Kendall snorted out a laugh, "You're so wasted."

"Well, duh." James scoffed. "_But _that didn't answer the question, mister Knight."

"Please stop talking, you're embarrassing yourself." Kendall laughed.

"Can you carry him? I can't feel the left side of my body." Carlos groaned.

James turned his attention back to Carlos with a glassy eyed concern. "I'm sorry, Carlitos. You're the best, though, okay? Better than all the rest. All of 'em. All of 'em forever."

"Maybe you shouldn't have let him take those shots after all." The Latino laughed, looking toward Kendall.

"He's going to hate us tomorrow." Kendall snickered.

Thankfully they weren't standing there for too much longer, a cab rolling up to pick them up after a few minutes. Kendall slid in first than the two boys helped to get their drunk friend into the back seat with them. Once they got back to Kendall's place, Carlos was the one to ask whether or not James was going to stay there with them for the night or take the cab home. Almost immediately, James waved them off and told them he would be fine and get home. They didn't argue with him, probably knowing better, and told him good night before leaving him by himself in the back seat of the cab.

"What's the address, sir?" The cab driver asked, looking back at the brunette in the rearview mirror.

James blinked a few times back at him, his lower lip caught between his teeth. He paused to glance toward the shutting front door of Kendall's condo, to his car parked at the curb, to the cab driver once again before finally speaking up.

* * *

The excessively repetitive knocking at the door was one thing, but the repeated knocks at _nearly one in the morning_, that was definitely something completely different. Logan was half asleep, rubbing at his eyes after rolling out of bed as he approached the front door. He honestly didn't think of who might be there, only that he was concerned with getting the obnoxious banging to stop. As he unlocked and opened the front door, he was jolted awake by the slumped body that stumbled forward the moment the door was open. James was laughing as Logan barely caught him by the forearms, holding him up for just long enough to stumble into the tiny entryway and slump back against the wall.

"Hi, Logie." James said, a crooked grin on his face.

"James, what are you even-"

"Don't be mad. Please don't be mad." He was shaking his head slowly, eyes drooping shut for a second.

Logan huffed out an exasperated sigh and shut the front door, hoping to avoid further annoying his neighbors with his obviously drunk visitor.

"I want- I wanted to see you." James said.

"You're drunk." Logan mumbled, frowning.

"As a skunk, Kendall made me time like a bazillion shots, but I mean, that's not the point." He slurred.

"James, you should be at home, sleeping this off. Let me call your-"

"No, no. No calling. Just-" James stumbled the couple steps toward him, miscalculating how far he needed to go and bumping into the other boy, causing Logan's back to be touching the opposite wall. "Just listen to me for a sec, okay. I need to.. I just need to…"

Logan was eyeing his face, taking in the glassy hazel eyes and the slack jaw that was slurring out the halfway desperate sounding words that James was saying. James licked his lips, his eyes focused on Logan's mouth as if he was really concentrating on something. The shorter of the two boys was just about to ask him what it was he needed when James suddenly dipped his head down and was crashing their lips together.

The first thing Logan became aware of was the overwhelming taste of alcohol on James's mouth. Then came the realization that James was actually _kissing _him, his hands grasping clumsily at the smaller waist as he pressed him back more into the wall. The kiss was messy, rushed. It was nothing like Logan remembered kissing James to be like and he found himself pushing against his friend's chest to get him to stop. James didn't quite catch the hint in his current state, but still his lips moved from Logan's mouth and began working down along his jaw and neck instead.

"James," Logan breathed. "James, stop it, come on."

"Need you, Logie. I- I need you. I miss you. I miss you so bad, please."

It took him an extra second to realize that James was actually whining against the side of his neck, sounding almost like he was going to cry. He kissed Logan's neck again, then leaned up to graze his teeth on his earlobe, causing Logan to shudder momentarily before shaking his head.

"You can't do this, Jamie. Come on, stop. You're drunk, you're being stupid right now."

James stiffened abruptly, stopping his movements with his lips barely ghosting over the corner of Logan's jaw once again. A moment later, he was dropping his forehead heavily onto Logan's shoulder, fingers tugging at the fabric of Logan's tank top at his waist.

"Always stupid, that's me." James mumbled. "Stupid James. My name should be stupid, because all I do is stupid things. All the time."

Sighing, Logan hesitantly slid one of his hands up James's chest to the side of his face to lift his head from his shoulder and meet his eyes again. This time when he looked into them, they weren't only glazed over because James was drunk, but they were brimming with tears, as well.

To say he was confused was an understatement. He knew that his three friends were scheduled to have the bachelor drinking party tonight, but he hadn't exactly anticipated being visited after the fact. He wasn't sure he knew how to handle a drunk James anymore, especially not one that was forcing kisses on him and looking like he was ready to cry. A party of Logan wanted to send him on his way back home again so he could sleep it off. However, there was another part of him that ached to take care of the taller boy, just like he always had. Despite everything, even just being around James made his heart hammer in his chest. He knew he loved him still, no matter how long he had spent trying to convince himself otherwise. His being there now, even in the state that he was, didn't seem to change that either.

"What's going on, James?" Logan asked softly.

James finally moved his hands from Logan's waist, instead moving them to either side of his friend's neck.

"I don't- I don't want to be like Kendall, Logan." James shook his head.

Logan frowned, "What does that even mean? What happened?"

"The way he looks at Jo. The way his smile- It's sadder around her. Like he's sorry, like he misses her and I don't.. I don't want that. I already miss you and I don't know what to do and I just- Everything's real messed up, Logie, and I need you to help me, you always help me." His voice cracked, further encouraging the part of Logan that simply wanted to take care of his friend. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I hurt you, I did, I know I did and I- I didn't mean to, Logan, you gotta believe me."

"Hey, I-"

James dropped his hands from him, once again leaning his head down against Logan's shoulder. This time, though, Logan recognized the soft sound of James crying, felt the tears hit his skin where the tank top he wore didn't cover. Almost on instinct, his hand moved to the back of James's neck, fingers slowly running through the soft brown hair there to soothe him.

"It's okay, James. I believe you. It's alright." He murmured.

"No it isn't. You're my- You're my best friend in the whole world and I did the worst thing I could in leaving you and I didn't even tell you that I love you too because I was scared and I just couldn't do it. I was a coward. A loser. A piece of crap. I suck and I hate myself for it because now- now I lost you and that _hurts_, Logie. It hurts."

"I'm right here, I haven't gone anywhere, buddy." Logan said softly, continuing to run his fingers through James's hair gently.

James choked on a quiet sob and he sucked in a quick breath before he was once again lifting his head from Logan's shoulder to meet his eyes. Logan swore he could feel his heart ache, seeing the brunette cry. He instinctively brought his hands up to use his thumbs to brush the tears on his best friend's face away, trying his best to give him a reassuring smile.

"I love you." James murmured.

For a moment it felt like the world stopped. It took Logan a second to realize he had started holding his breath, slowly taking in another one between his teeth. He hated to know that it took James being drunk and distraught, days off from marrying someone else to say those words, but there was another part of him that wanted to cling to them. How long had he waited to hear James say that? How many nights since he had left to New York had Logan thought back to that night in his dorm room, wishing that his friend would have just said it back?

Now here he was, looking him in the eye, telling him that he loved him. Aside from the obvious circumstances that it was taking place under, it was all Logan had wanted for a long time. He frowned, still, despite himself and breathed out a sigh. James wasn't in the proper state of mind, he was drunk and upset, desperate even. Something was _wrong_, and it had been proven that people said things that they didn't necessarily mean when they were under stress. He couldn't let himself get excited over this. Especially when nothing was guaranteed. There was no saying James would even remember any of this in the morning.

"You need to get some sleep." Logan said quietly.

"Logan, I-"

"I know, James." He cut him off, a little more harshly than he had intended. "I- I know, I heard you. I know you do."

He was sure what he was saying was mostly for the sake of reassuring James. The taller boy nodded subtly before dipping his head down and nuzzling his nose against the side of Logan's neck. Logan let his eyes fall closed for a moment, taking a deep breath and allowing himself to feel lost in the familiarity of the touch, of the closeness, but then he was back to gently pushing against James's chest. He worked to stand beside him, securing an arm around his waist to try to support him enough to lead him down the hall to his bedroom. Logan could sleep on the couch for the night, he didn't care. He just needed to get James lying down and unable to touch, or look at, or hear anymore. His heart already felt like it was going to leap right from his ribcage, he couldn't take much more than he had already dealt with.

James thankfully didn't fight being led down the hall, heavily leaning on Logan for support and continuing to mutter something about hating Kendall for the shots that the shorter boy attempted to tune out. He was too concentrated on the task at hand. When they finally reached the small room, Logan shuffled James along to the side of the bed, only sliding his arm from around him once he was sure James was seated on the edge of it. Almost immediately, James slumped back against the pillow and shut his eyes with a groan. Logan chewed at his lip and shook his head slowly. He reached for the second pillow, picking it up and turning to go back out into the living room.

"No, wait."

James's fingers ghosted over his wrist and he bit down on his lower lip, looking down at the brunette. He suddenly looked younger, like this was another one of those times just after graduation, when James used to be big on parties and would crash at Logan's only to avoid his mom finding out he had been drinking. He always looked so tired, but so.. needy, too. That was no exception now as James swallowed and slid his hand up his forearm, tugging Logan closer to the edge of the bed carefully.

"Stay with me. Please." He all but whispered.

Logan frowned, suddenly feeling his own eyes sting as he began to shake his head. "James…"

"Just to sleep. Only sleep, that's all, I swear. Please, Logan." His voice cracked again.

Logan's teeth dug into his lip and he stayed silent, simply staring down at his friend for a moment before nodding slowly, breathing in deeply through his nose. He set the pillow back where it went and moved around to the opposite side of the bed. Perching on the edge of the mattress, Logan squinted in the darkness down at the hardwood floor for a few seconds. It felt wrong somehow, to be getting into bed with James, and he hated that, because for such a long time it had been something that was so right, one of his favorite things, even.

Blowing out a heavy breath, he swung his legs over the side of the bed and laid back, purposefully staring up at the ceiling instead of looking at who was beside him. In his peripheral vision, he could see James turn onto his side so that he was laying facing him. Logan turned his head finally, eyes roaming over his best friend's face as James's eyes seemed to stay locked on him for several seconds before drooping closed tiredly.

"Night, Logie." He mumbled.

Swallowing, Logan barely let his lips twitch upward into a hint of a smile before looking back toward the ceiling again. It didn't take James long to fall asleep, unsurprisingly. Logan found himself taking a familiar comfort in the soft, even breathing and squeezed his eyes shut tightly as they began to sting once again. When he opened them, he turned over onto his side, facing his best friend and taking in the easy, peaceful expression on his sleeping face.

Chewing at the inside of his lip, Logan took in a slow deep breath before whispering, "I love you, too."


	8. Chapter 8

_**A/N; Hey hi! So I wanted to get this update done and posted quick-ish because it was fresh in my head and I knew which direction I was headed in with this right off the bat. There's lots of feelings going on in this chapter, omg. Also sorry for the dramatic/abrupt cliffhanger of an ending ahead of time :x**_

_**Always, always, thanks to those of you following and favoriting, commenting and reviewing. I love you guys, you're awesome and I appreciate it a lot.**_

_**Enjoy the chapter! :)**_

_**-Kay.**_

* * *

**Chapter 8**-

James turned the folded paper over in his hands again, fingers running along the deeply creased edge. The words on the repeatedly unfolded and refolded page were practically printed on the back of his eyelids, he had read them so many times, but still whenever he had a moment, he would unfold the paper again and look it over.

Finding the note on the kitchen counter in Logan's apartment after waking up alone in his bed, groggy, disoriented, and more than a little hungover the day before, James hadn't felt in his right mind since. Perhaps he hadn't been properly in his head since before the bachelor party with Kendall and Carlos, even. Or maybe even before that. Maybe back when he had thought that marrying Grace was what he had to do, what he wanted to do, maybe he hadn't been thinking straight then, either.

All through the day, after making sure he was pumped full of coffee and aspirin to try to ward off the headache and slowness during the wedding rehearsal, James felt ill. Sure, it had a lot to do with the fact that he had spent the night drunk out of his mind, but it was more than that, too. Everything suddenly felt wrong. It had felt wrong for days, maybe even the whole week, he realized, but as he stood across from a smiling Grace and they went through the practice run of their vows once, twice, and three times, it became clearer.

He had gone to Logan drunk, and while he didn't remember much of anything that he had said, he knew that he had ended up there, and he knew why it was there that he went instead of back to his mom's house where his fiancé would have been waiting to take care of him. Because Logan was his constant. Logan was _home_. Some part of him had told him that the second Carlos had asked him in the cab whether he was going to go home or stay at Kendall's for the night. It was a ringing finality that for some reason it took him being plastered to recognize. Logan was his home.

The wedding rehearsal felt wrong. Fake. He put on a smile, he played nice. He said his vows perfectly and he kissed the blonde he was due to be married to. The dinner with her family and his mom after the fact felt forced, somehow alien. It was like he was there, but in an out of body experience sort of way. He could have been standing in the middle of a desert for all he knew. He was out of tune, numb. Everything was robotic, it seemed.

Things had never been like that for him. James was never a play along and let the chips fall where they may kind of guy. He never had been growing up. As a kid, when he wanted something, he went for it, he made it known. Sometime in his adulthood that changed and as his impending fate grew nearer and nearer, literally ticking away hourly on a clock in the altar boy dressing room at the church he was set to be married in, he was realizing that.

There was a part of him that told him he was thinking too much. Grace was smart and driven, and with her family name there was an absolute guarantee that they would be set for life. James would have a job in an extremely successful company. Grace could continue on in fashion journalism, and the two of them would be that intense, working couple that was well off and successful. Sometime down the line they could have children together, and those kids would want for nothing, he knew. His mother would be proud of him, would have a son who was a married businessman and father. She would adore that and he would get to feel, for some moments, like he had done something right, if only by her. But something would still be missing. There would always be a gap, a distance between him and Grace. There would always be the constant 'what if's. He would never be completely satisfied, not the way that he felt he would be with Logan.

They could fight until the end of the world. Logan could yell at him, criticize him, tell him he was awful and stupid. It wasn't likely, not even a little, because it was never Logan who got like that with him. It was never Logan who there was no certainty about. The two of them could go through next to anything, and James knew that no matter what, it was always going to be Logan. He may have been cowardly and idiotic to walk away from him before, but deep down he knew that it wasn't something he could do again. Ever. He had decided a long, long time ago that Logan was one of the people who he wasn't going to live a life without, and he knew that if he said 'I do' today, that was it. He would lose him.

Teeth digging into his lower lip, James's hands shook anxiously as he unfolded the piece of paper for what had to be the hundredth time in the last twenty four hours. He practically had the entirety of the letter memorized already, but he let his eyes skim over the slightly messy handwriting again anyway.

_I'm sorry I didn't wait for you to wake up. I guess I wanted the last time I saw you to be something that peaceful, and not another fight. I know that you're sorry, and I forgive you, Jamie, I do, but you have to know that you marrying Grace changes so much. I'm sure that you're going to be extremely happy and you're going to have a great life, and I'm glad for that. You deserve every possible happiness, that's all I've ever wanted for you. I just need you to understand that I can't be around for all of it. I can't see you anymore, James. You're going to have a great life, and I'm proud of you for growing up and taking a step that you want to for your future. Even though I can't be around for it all, you'll never be out of my thoughts, Jamie. Never were, never will be. Good luck, buddy. –Logan._

As he felt his eyes sting for the umpteenth time, James swiftly folded up the piece of paper and sucked in a deep breath to hold it in. He tilted his head back and blinked rapidly a few times before huffing out the breath he was holding and tucking the letter into the inner pocket of the suit jacket he wore. He shook his hands out and rolled his shoulders back, trying to ease some of his inner tension, but to no avail.

He could hear the church bustling softly with people just outside the door. Grace's family was all there, her sisters in their bridesmaid dresses, and her father bellowing about 'his job' for the day every once in a while. James's mom was around somewhere, too. He figured she was probably in the bride's room, touching up Grace's makeup, because that seemed like something Brooke would do. She loved weddings. The thought made James's stomach turn nervously. Everything about this day was already making his stomach turn. For what was supposed to be the happiest day of his life, he was feeling pretty far from happy.

"They should make a custom out of doing shots _before _a wedding." Kendall declared as he and Carlos slipped into the room.

"More like never again." James chuckled softly, fidgeting with the sleeve of his jacket.

Carlos seemed to take notice to the not so bright look and tone of voice, moving closer to the tallest of them and clapping his hands on James's shoulders and giving a squeeze.

"You're crying already, look at you." He teased.

"Is he really? Quick, where's my phone, I need a picture." Kendall laughed.

James rolled his eyes, but a faint smile was still present on his face. Leave it to Kendall and Carlos to be taunting him just before what was supposed to be one of the biggest moments of his life. At least some things always stayed the same.

"Crap! I left the bowtie out on the bench, I'll be right back." Carlos said hurriedly.

"Pretty sure he would lose his head if it wasn't attached." Kendall chuckled after the Latino had rushed back into the church.

James didn't say anything, didn't even really acknowledge the statement. He was too busy staring at his reflection in the mirror. If he had been feeling happier, the staring at himself would have been for the sake of vanity. He would have complimented how perfectly tousled his hair looked, and how dashingly handsome he looked in a suit. Yet, now, for some reason he was looking at himself and seeing something pathetic. Something like a stray, poorly fed puppy dog. Sad, and tired, and sick. Not at all what a man who was about to be married to someone he apparently loved was supposed to look like, he figured.

Kendall stepped up behind him and brushed a piece of lint off of his shoulder.

"It's kinda weird, isn't it?" he asked, sounding thoughtful.

"What is?" James asked.

The blonde breathed in and shrugged his shoulders. "You getting married, I guess. I mean, it was bound to happen, but I figured you'd be like thirty or something, and that it would be with-"

"Okay! Bowtie found!" Carlos's enthusiasm cut off Kendall's musing.

James was eyeing him questioningly in the mirror, but all Kendall did was give him something of an apologetic smile and another shrug of his shoulders. The brunette suddenly felt more confused than he had already. Kendall couldn't have been about to say Logan, could he? Had Logan said something to him?

"Do you think they've got a stash of wine or something in here?" Kendall asked, poking around in cabinets.

"Dude, you are so going to hell." James snorted.

"He's going to hell for a lot worse things than stealing a church's wine." Carlos pointed out with a laugh.

"Truth." Both Kendall and James said in unison.

"Bingo!"

The blonde turned from the open storage cabinet he was searching in with a bottle of wine and a corkscrew in each hand. He popped the cork out and held the bottle out for James to take, raising his eyebrows. James hesitated but then rolled his eyes and took the bottle, quickly taking a particularly long swig from the drink. He knew a quick couple gulps of wine were going to do next to nothing to him, so he figured he could get away with it. Afterwards he passed the bottle to Carlos who paused before taking a drink and cleared his throat.

"I'd like to make a toast," he started, "To James."

"Good choice." James snickered.

"Shut up, I'm trying to make a toast here." Carlos sneered. "To James, and his living a happy, healthy, and successful life from here on out."

As Carlos tilted the bottle of wine back to take a drink from it, James's small smile faltered slightly. A happy, healthy, and successful life from here on out, he thought. Successful was probably likely, but the happy and healthy parts he wasn't so sure about.

True, the possibility of happiness wasn't entirely nonexistent. He loved Grace to some degree, but sometime over the quickly dwindled pre-wedding week, he had come to the realization that loving someone and being _in _love with them really was different. When people had talked about that sort of thing in movies and stuff, he had always thought it was a bunch of crap. It hadn't occurred to him that maybe if so many people said things like that, there probably had to be some kind of truth to it.

Carlos passed the bottle of wine over to Kendall and James kinked a brow as his two friends exchanged a look that he was obviously on the outside of. It was like they were in on the same secret, he recognized it from past hockey game strategies between the two of them. Before he could voice any of his bubbling suspicion, Kendall was holding the bottle up in the air and getting into his speech.

"To James, who's kind of an idiot but also kind of one of the best guys that I know. Not the smartest dude, conceited as they come, also a mediocre hockey player." Carlos coughed to cover up his laugh and James rolled his eyes again, despite his smile. "But he's always had my back, had all our backs, no matter what. So, no matter what happens today, or tomorrow, or a year from now, whenever. No matter what, we've got your back, too. Always."

"Always." Carlos repeated, nodding slowly.

Kendall took his drink from the bottle of wine as James's brow furrowed in confused thought. _No matter what happens today_. Perhaps it was the piling up paranoia creeping on him once again, but he was beginning to feel as if his two best friends were aware of something that he wasn't. It felt an awful lot like what he remembered English teachers called foreshadowing in stories. Did foreshadowing happen in real life?

"I didn't prepare a best man's speech since I was just planning on winging it, and I'm pretty sure that's the best I've got for the day, so you better have appreciated that, Diamond." Kendall said after setting the wine bottle down on the floor.

Despite the twisting and turning in his stomach and the heavy amount of confusion that was still pretty clear on his face, James did his best to muster up something of a smile at his friend. Just as he was about to ask one of the several questions rushing through his head, the door to the room opened, his mother poking her head into the room.

"Boys, it's about time for you to head out." She announced.

Carlos grabbed hold of Kendall's shoulders and began dragging him along with him to leave the room, slipping passed Brooke in the doorway while James took another moment to look at his reflection anxiously. The door clicked shut again and his hazel eyes flicked toward it to find that his mother was approaching him with a smile on her face. He felt a lump forming in his throat as he looked at her. She looked so happy, so _proud_. What would she think if he didn't go through with this? If it didn't end up working out? Would she hate him?

Brooke stepped up in front of him and reached up to fix his bowtie. It probably wasn't crooked in the first place, the woman just had a habit of trying to distract herself with making things perfect just before she got sentimental. Based on the look in her slightly teary eyes, James was expecting something of that sort.

"Do you remember your uncle Steven's wedding?" She began, keeping her eyes on the tie at first instead of his face. "You were only about four or five at the time, and you were having the hardest time sitting still. Your father even dragged you out of the church at one point during the ceremony."

James stiffened slightly at the mention of his dad, not expecting the man to be something his mom mentioned. He hadn't heard from his father in years, not since the divorce. Things had ended badly between his parents, and James had sided heavily with his mom at the time, mostly on account of the fact that his dad found another wife and kid to move on to not too long after the initial split, leaving a lot of bitterness in him. He hadn't even bothered to get in touch with the man for his wedding, even though Grace had asked a couple times about it. His dad was a little bit of a sore subject, for him and his mother.

"When we finally got out to the reception, we were sitting at our table and Becky came up to us to say hi. You saw her up close in that bridal gown, with her makeup and her hair done and your eyes looked like they were about to bug right out of your little head." Brooke let out a light laugh, a fond smile on her face. "After she moved on to the next table, you turned to me and you said 'Mama, Becky looks like a princess, do I get to have a princess when I grow up, too?'"

James breathed out a laugh, tilting his head down as he felt his eyes starting to sting. Brooke touched her son's chin and one pair of teary hazel eyes met another for a quiet moment.

"Now you're getting your princess, Jamie." She smiled.

She pulled him into a tight hug, having to lean up slightly since he was so much taller than she was. James held onto her and squeezed his eyes shut tightly for a moment. He didn't have the heart to tell her that he didn't think he wanted a princess anymore. He didn't have it in him to let her down like that, not right now, not right before he was supposed to be standing at the altar. She was so happy, so proud of him. How was he supposed to take this away from her? He actively worked not to bury his face against her shoulder and start crying. Despite the fact that he suddenly felt like a small child in the circle of his mother's arms, it didn't seem like a good idea. Finally, the two pulled away from each other, Brooke waving air at her eyes as if to dry them as she sniffled.

"Shoot, I can't cry yet, I haven't even had pictures taken with my makeup done." She said.

James snickered and shook his head. "You look perfect, Mom, crying or no crying."

She smiled at him once again and leaned up to kissed his cheek. A quiet exchange of 'I love you' and 'I love you, too' took place before she was ushering him out the door into the church; out to his doom, he thought. He wanted to be able to take one last moment to himself, to breathe, to think, to read Logan's note one last time before heading out, but he didn't get the chance.

The church pews each had a bundle of purple and white peonies on each end, he noticed. For some reason he hadn't pictured peonies as the flowers that Grace would have picked out, but he didn't think on it too long. He felt like he couldn't quite focus. Things were starting to blur together in a dizzying combination of white and purple and a dim yellow. James breathed in deeply and tried to remind himself to keep breathing, to stay focused, to not panic.

Kendall and Carlos were standing in their positions, both giving him reassuring smiles as he moved over to join them. His mom went back to sit down in the front pew. Only after a moment of looking down anxiously at his feet, James finally glanced toward the gathered crowd of family and friends.

There were a few people both he and Grace were friends with at school back in New York that had come out. Grace's mother was sitting a little ways down from his own mom in the first pew. He noticed a couple aunts and uncles from his side of the family, the little cousins lined up with them. Jo he noticed, as well, sandwiched between who he vaguely recognized as Camille, and then another girl with dark hair streaked through with red. The blonde girl, too, gave him a reassuring smile and a thumbs up and James smiled gently back at her.

Everyone seemed so thrilled to be there, thrilled that there was a wedding to be had at all. He didn't think it was possible, but he felt even sicker standing out in front of everyone, seeing the prideful and happy looks in people's eyes, than he had just thinking about the situation.

Finally the music began playing, people turning where they sat to watch as Grace's sisters slowly made their way up the aisle in their lavender colored bridesmaids dresses. James shifted on his feet and bit the inside of his cheek, watching Victoria and Catherine come up the aisle with smiles. As they moved to stand opposite him and his groomsmen, the music transitioned into the traditional bridal march, and everyone stood up. James found himself holding his breath.

Nate was positively beaming as he led Grace down the aisle on his arm. Grace looked stunning, naturally. She had always been beautiful, but now that was to such a higher degree. Her blonde hair was curled in perfect ringlets, framing her face beneath her veil. There was a just a little bit of glitter added to her makeup, causing a slight shimmer that made her seemingly glow all the more. Her white bridal gown was strapless and had an intricately beaded floral pattern on the bottom of the front of the skirt, and all the way along the train. She looked- _Like a princess_, James thought, breathing out finally, shakily.

Grace smiled widely at him as she got nearer, and he couldn't help but smile back at her. He really did love her. She was so beautiful, so smart, so driven. She was everything he thought he ever wanted. Looking at her now, he felt a fluttering in his stomach, a hammering in his chest. He wanted that to be enough. He wanted that to curb all his other confusion and indecision, but despite the fact that he was absolutely taken by her, despite the fact that he was overwhelmed with a want to hold her close to him, he knew it was the moment. He knew that it wasn't _all _he wanted, and he couldn't have everything.

As Nate handed Grace off to James, the two men exchanged a brief smile and nod before James's hazel eyes rested on his bride's smiling face as he led her up to the altar where the priest was waiting for the both of them. Victoria reached over to take Grace's bouquet as James reached to take both of her hands. He felt like crying, for a number of reasons.

Grace's blue eyes were locked with his, a smile still on her face. _God_, he thought, _I love you so much_. And yet, even looking at her, he subconsciously felt as if the folded up piece of paper still tucked into the inner pocket of his suit jacket was just seconds away from burning right into his chest as if to remind him of what else there could be for him. The priest was speaking, greeting everyone and thanking them for being there for such a 'joyous occasion,' but James was barely listening. He was gazing at Grace, hopefully with a less pained expression than what he was actually feeling.

He didn't want to hurt her. God, that was one of the last things he wanted to do. It seemed, however, that no matter what decision he made today, she was going to end up hurt. If he stood there and he said 'I do,' there was a very large chance that he was going to regret it later on, that he was going to be pretending to be happy. Putting on a charade wasn't fair to her, and he knew that, she deserved better than that. The idea of letting her down right there and then, though, she didn't deserve that either. She didn't deserve what was supposed to be her big day ruined. She didn't deserve to be humiliated in front of friends and family like that.

_She deserves a hell of a lot better than you right now._

Swallowing around the lump that was once again forming in his throat, James gave Grace's hands a squeeze. She returned the gesture, obviously mistaking his anxiety for excitement as her smile grew slightly.

It seemed too quickly that the time came for the two of them to be saying their vows. Kendall was stepping up to present the rings, and James couldn't even look at him. He suddenly felt like looking at anything aside from Grace was wrong, like he couldn't do it. Maybe he was subconsciously punishing himself. Grace was murmuring her vows, her voice shaking as she tried not to cry, and James felt himself tearing up. He was going to destroy everything, he could feel it. With ringing finality, Grace said the words 'I do' before the priest turned toward James, proceeding to repeat the same as he had said to Grace just moments before.

"Do you, James Matthew Diamond, standing in the presence of God and these witnesses, solemnly pledge your faith to Grace. Do you promise to love her, comfort her, honor, and keep her, in sickness and in health, and promise to be to her a faithful and devoted husband, as long as you both shall live?"

"I-"

He knew it couldn't have been more than a handful of seconds, but it felt like they ticked on for much longer than that. His eyes finally flicked away from Grace for an instant, toward the people seated in the church. They landed on his mother who was shifting in her seat, obviously noting the hesitation that everyone else, too, was noticing, a look of confusion on her face. James looked back at Grace, noticing how her face had fallen ever so slightly, the hint of a smile there only in a subtle hopefulness now, it felt.

His heartbeat echoing loudly and rapidly in his ears, James took a deep breath and let out the one word he knew was about the change everything.

"Can't."


	9. Chapter 9

_**A/N; First off, I would like to apologize immensely for my lack of updates lately, goodness gracious. This summer has been crazy in terms of getting my sleep schedule and whatever else all screwed up, but I'm getting back into a swing of things now; school's starting up again soon and believe it or not I actually get some of my best writing done during the semester so hopefully that sticks. I know I really, really need to update Keeping Faith, and I apologize to those of you who are reading that, too, and still awaiting an update, same can be said for my Kames story as well. I swear they're all coming soon!**_

_**Thank you all so much for the patience, and as always, all the feedback. It's so, so appreciated! **__**Hope you enjoy the chapter!**_

_**-Kay.**_

* * *

**Chapter 9**-

"I can't."

Those were the genius words he had so delicately decided to declare.

Everything seemed to move in some kind of strange fast-forward motion from there. The moment the word had left his mouth, he felt like he had been punched. Grace's hands shot back from his in an instant. A collective gasp echoed in the high-ceilinged church, followed by soft, confused murmurs. The shock, the _betrayal _was more than evident on the blonde in front of him's face, and James immediately hated himself.

He hated himself for doing this to her. He hated himself for letting things get this far in the first place. He hated himself for ever doubting who he wanted, for ever leaving Logan, for ever mixing up anyone else in any of this. He had screwed up so much, and it felt like it had all happened in such a short, fast amount of time. He didn't know if he would ever be able to fix all of it.

"O-kay! We're just- We're gonna need to take a minute, here. Please don't go anywhere." Carlos was speaking quickly, his nervousness clear in his tone of voice as he and Kendall hurriedly dragged James away from the altar, into the small room they had been in what already felt like forever ago.

James could barely focus on them pulling him, could barely focus on anything other than the repeated insults he was currently throwing at himself in his head. Stupid. Idiot. Asshole. The list could go on for days, he thought. The second that the door to the room was shut, Kendall whirled on him, green eyes wide and blazing with something that James could only describe as questioning his sanity.

"Are you out of your _mind_?!" he raised his voice.

James thought for a moment that they could probably hear the blonde boy shouting that on the other side of the door. Good. They should be able to hear him being scolded, lectured. However, after a second of eyeing Kendall, not knowing what to say, something in James snapped. It occurred to him what both of his friends had said in their toasts before they had gone out to stand at the altar. They had had this secret, knowing look in their eyes, like they were aware something was going to happen. How could Kendall be seriously mad at him when he had _known_?

"What about all that 'whatever happens today' stuff, huh? You obviously knew that something was gonna happen, Kendall!" James argued, and he couldn't help but raise his voice.

Sure, maybe everyone would hear his yelling, too, but he wasn't going to stand there and be the only one not yelling in a fight. That wasn't how he worked.

"Yeah, so what?"

"Well, what exactly were you expecting?"

"I don't know! Okay. I don't know, but not this. This-" He turned away from getting in the tall brunette's face to start pacing, rubbing at his temples.

Carlos was shying away from his friends for the moment, standing off to the side and chewing anxiously at his thumbnail. The poor guy never did particularly well with confrontations, especially not ones that went on between his best friends.

"Okay, okay, I just- I need to calm down, that's all. We can deal with this. We can figure this out. I'm just under a lot of pressure right now, it'll be fine."

"You're under a lot of pressure?" James was practically seething, and while he knew that it was primarily anger that he felt more toward himself than anyone else, Kendall was there to unfortunately be the target of taking it out on currently. "_You're _under a lot of pressure? I just left my fiancé at the fucking altar and you're gonna stand there and talk about how _you _are the one under pressure?"

Okay, so he probably shouldn't have shoved him, that was really not his smartest move. Especially since Kendall wasn't one to not shove back, he never had been. James could remember a time back in high school, during one of their hockey games, Kendall had not gone through with a play the way that James wanted and after shouting at each other for a minute or two, they had just lunged at each other. They had both been suspended from the game for unsportsmanlike conduct that day, and it was the stupidest thing, too, because damn it, they were teammates, they were friends. Unsurprisingly, Kendall did shove him back, but before James could lunge forward again, Carlos was darting in between them, shoving a hand against each of their chests.

"_Guys!_ Do you realize how stupid you're being right now? Focus!" The Latino shot a rather cold look in James's direction. "Don't get mad at him right now. We both get that you're going through something here, but we're here to help you, James. Don't pick unnecessary fights."

It was weird, Carlos being the mature one, the voice of reason. In the back of his mind, James knew that the job usually belonged to another one of their friends. The one that wasn't there. As the thought crossed his mind, his face fell and he let out a stuttering breath, shaking his head. He stumbled a step or two backward, running a hand down over his face.

"I'm sorry." He mumbled, continuing to shake his head. It felt like he was apologizing for a lot more than just the yelling and the shoving. "I'm sorry." He said again.

Kendall breathed out a sigh and frowned. Both he and Carlos stepped closer to James, and the shorter of the three boys reached up to place a hand on his friend's shoulder as he looked at him, concerned.

"Talk to us, man. What's going through your head?"

He wished he could just put it into a simple explanation. He wished that he could tell them all of his doubts, all of his worries. How he wasn't sure where he belonged or what he should be doing. How he didn't know why he had thought marrying Grace was a good idea when it turned out to be so far from right this far down the line. How much he felt like a horrible person, how angry he was at himself for what he had just done.

Then, as if it was suddenly about twenty pounds heavier, dragging his jacket down with the weight, he remembered the note tucked into his pocket. He remembered who it was from and what it said, what it all meant. And then that was all that could run through his head, this one thought, this one person.

"Logan." He said quietly.

It only occurred to him after the other boy's name had left his mouth that he was assuming Carlos and Kendall would be confused. James had never explained the details of his and Logan's past relationship to them. It had always been something that was kept a secret, while it had been going on, and still long after the fact. However, when he took a hurried moment to glance between his two friends, expecting some kind of shock or confusion on either or both of their faces, he didn't see any. They were exchanging a look again, much like they had before when they were giving their toasts, like James was on the outside of something. He didn't like that.

"Stop fucking-" he ground his teeth together, forcing a deep breath to keep himself from getting more frustrated once again. "Stop doing that, stop looking at each other like you're both in on a secret I'm not allowed to know. What's going on?"

"James.. Logan kind of- Um." Carlos's hand had fallen from the taller boy's shoulder and was now rubbing at the back of his own neck.

"He met up with us yesterday before we had to show up for the wedding rehearsal." Kendall said bluntly. "He was like freaking out because you were in his bed and he didn't know what to do. You know how Logan gets."

He was talking about it like it was no big deal, but James knew that there had to be one coming on.

"He kind of told us everything, James…" Carlos murmured, and James stiffened when realization hit him. "He was a real wreck about it, too. Like, it was hard, getting the whole story out of him, like talking about all that went on between you two hurt him."

"This isn't making me feel better in the slightest." James snapped.

Kendall shot him a glare, "Look, James. We're your best friends, okay? You're walling up and it's stupid, because you need us right now and you know you do. You needed us then, too, but look where walling up back then has gotten you at this point."

He wanted to shove him again, but only because he knew he was right. Kendall always had this way of just knowing the right thing to say, even if it was frustrating to hear it. Taking a deep breath, James shook his head slowly, a halfway distraught expression starting to come onto his face.

"I don't know what to do, you guys." He mumbled.

Honestly, it was a miracle that it was still just the three of them in the room. He was surprised that Nate hadn't come barging in to beat the crap out of him for humiliating his daughter, or that Victoria or Catherine hadn't come in to rip him a new one, or that his mom- Oh god, his _mom_. He swallowed thickly, shaking his head once again.

"You wouldn't have said no out there like you did if you didn't think it was the right thing to do, James." Carlos pointed out gently.

"Humiliating someone I thought I was in love with, that's the right thing to do now?" he retorted.

"It is if you did it because you know you're in love with someone else."

James's hazel eyes locked on the floor, suddenly stinging. The last thing he wanted to do was cry, especially in front of Kendall and Carlos. Not that they had never seen him cry. All things considered, they were probably the people who had ever seen him cry the most in his life. He just really did not want that right now, he didn't need to show more weakness than he already had. It was hard enough not falling apart completely when he had moments to himself, he couldn't lose it in front of his best friends. Sure, they would have sworn that it was their job as his friends to help him get back together again, but he didn't want to feel like he needed it, because he didn't feel like he deserved it.

"Are you in love with Logan?"

Kendall's direct question took him by surprise, causing his head to snap back up to look at his friend with an incredulous expression. The blonde was looking at him with his eyebrows raised expectantly, awaiting an answer.

James didn't know what he expected, honestly. He knew that at some point down the line, one way or another, the secret of what happened between him and Logan in the past was going to get out. It wasn't a story that could just go untold and be tucked away in a subconscious memory bank forever. He had never really given much thought to how Kendall or Carlos would react to hearing about it, because he had never really thought about what telling them would be like. He had never really gunned on being the one to inform them about everything. However, despite the fact that he had managed to get away with Logan being the one to share the stories, he didn't feel relieved. If anything he felt worse. Because now they knew everything, not just everything that had happened between him and Logan, but the fact that he had worked so hard to keep it a secret, even from them.

"James?" Carlos spoke up.

The tallest boy bit down hard on his lower lip. The act of not crying was becoming increasingly difficult as every second ticked by. Finally, James sucked in a sharp breath and he nodded. It was subtle, stiff, deliberate. Like if he did it quickly enough maybe it would have actually gone undetected. It was the first he had admitted –or could remember admitting- of his actual, legitimate love for Logan, and he still wasn't even saying it out loud, or letting it be known to the person who deserved to know it the most.

"I- I am. I love him... God, but I messed everything up. I can't fix it." He realized after a moment that tears were prickling in his eyes.

Kendall moved so that he was standing directly in front of him, his hands firmly on both of his shoulders. It was something that James could recall him doing for as long as he could remember. Even when they were little. It was just a Kendall thing, like his pep talks couldn't only be heard, they had to be seen in the intensity of his serious green eyes, and felt in the attention demanding grip of his hands on the shoulders of whoever he was talking to. James swallowed, trying to prepare himself for what was about to be laid on him.

"Logan is your best friend, James. He's all of our best friend, but he's especially yours, and we all know that. What happened between the two of you went beyond that, and I know you, you get scared. We all do, it happens. But that does not mean you can't fix things now just because you got scared in the past. You know better than that, and you also know that if anyone's worth it, it's Logan."

Carlos was nodding slowly in agreement, James noticed in his peripheral vision. There was still a look of apprehension on the brunette's face that evidently Kendall dubbed as enough reason to continue talking.

"You may get scared, James, but you were always one for taking risks, always. With your style, with the stupid things you did just for fun. You took a risk being with Logan in the first place, and today you took a huge risk standing up out there in front of all of those people and doing what you did. You're a lot braver than you give yourself credit for."

He didn't feel remotely close to brave, even as he continued to let his friend's words really sink in in the silence. He was chewing at his lip nervously, lost in trying to process how Kendall could look at him right now and tell him he was brave. Sure, maybe he took some stupid risks growing up, but that didn't make him brave. At least he didn't think it did. Not in the way that really counted, anyway.

Carlos stepped up behind Kendall so that he was in James's direct line of sight, a faint smile on his face. "Think you have it in you to be brave for something else today?"

James's brow furrowed. He didn't get an answer right away, Kendall glancing toward the shut door that led back into the church. James's stomach lurched at the thought of going back in there, at seeing everyone, having to explain himself. He thought that was what they meant, but then Carlos was fishing around in the pocket of the jeans James had been wearing before his tux was on, grabbing his car keys and tossing them at him. James barely caught the flying metal, fumbling with them for a second before giving his friends a confused look.

"You can't not deal with all of that forever, but.." Carlos shrugged.

Kendall looked back at James finally, this time with a faint grin on his face, almost like he was feeling the slightest bit amused. "We've got you covered here for now, but probably only for about an hour before your mom starts really asking the hard questions. Make it count."

"Wait-" James's eyebrows shot up, realization dawning on him. "You're telling me to go to-"

"He's working. Children's ward at the hospital." Carlos nodded once, a triumphant grin suddenly springing across his face.

James blinked at them, astonished for a moment. They were literally going to go back out into the storm of a problem _he _had created, cover for him for as long as they could, even, just so he could have a moment of clarity, a moment of truth really. They were helping him get away from the bad he'd just done to try to fix another bad, an even worse bad, that they could obviously see he needed to fix. God, if he didn't want to cry right then and there just because he had the greatest friends anyone could ever ask for.

"Guys-" His voice cracked softly.

"_Go_!" Kendall shoved at him, and the sound of laughter was subtly there in his voice.

James was practically sprinting out the side exit door and through the parking lot to his car a moment later.

* * *

Work wasn't enough, Logan realized. He was working so hard to try to keep himself occupied, distracted. He knew exactly what was going on today. He knew exactly what he was losing, and he hated the way that he couldn't get it out of his head. All he wanted was for something to be a sufficient enough distraction to get him out of his thoughts for this one day, that was all he was asking for.

He had gone around, doing the orderly duties he was given, changing bed sheets, making sure the kids got their lunch on time, the usual. It had become so routine for him that there was nothing about it to distract himself with anymore. It was all so second nature, he didn't have to think about what he was doing. That made it worse, because all he could think about then as he was doing his job was the fact that somewhere, at a church, the love of his life was looking prim, proper, and no doubt painstakingly gorgeous in a tuxedo, looking at a bride he was about to spend the rest of his life with. The image wouldn't go away.

He had thought that maybe laying everything out on the table, letting James go, letting everything out to Kendall and Carlos, that he would feel better. He didn't. There was still this hollow feeling inside his chest, like he had let a piece of himself go by letting go of James.

Letting go of him for real this time, he thought. Not like when he had gone off to New York and Logan still clung to the possibility of him calling or coming back for him, when he clung to the fact that he still loved him and that that was enough. No, this time, he really had to let James go. Maybe he couldn't shut off his love for him, because he knew he had never loved someone the way that he loved James, but he couldn't cling to hope anymore. It hurt too much.

Finally, it was time for Logan to go and be with the small group of kids that got to spend a little bit of time in the children ward's small play area. This was probably his favorite part of the job, getting to interact with them. He read three picture books that were thrust at him by small hands, smiling through each of them. His back was to the glass window that looked out into the hospital hallway as he read, and as he finished the fourth book he was reading to the five or six patients that were sitting on the carpeted floor in front of him, he realized that all the children's pairs of eyes were focused passed him, looking something closed to dazzled. Brow furrowing, Logan turned to see what they were looking at and he just about yelped.

Because there was James, and he was standing there beyond the glass in the tuxedo that Logan couldn't seem to get out of his head for most of the day. His face held an anxious expression, his perfect white teeth digging into his lower lip. His hazel eyes locked with Logan's brown ones, and Logan somehow felt frozen, paralyzed by the gaze. He wanted to move, to rush out into the hallway and confront his friend, see what he was doing there, but he also wanted to stay right where he was, unmoving and untouched by whatever was about to happen between them. He wasn't anticipating something good.

Slowly, he turned back to the kids in front of him, plastering a smile on his face as he excused himself and told them to agree on another book for him to read for when he came back. He told Shelley, the nurse that was present and supervising in the room with him that he had to step out for a moment, and the auburn haired woman nodded slowly, not looking up from the Lego's she was concentrated on with the little boy whom she was playing with.

Logan made sure that the door was shut as he stepped out into the hallway, purposely keeping his eyes focused on the tiled floor instead of looking at James for a couple moments.

"I-"

The shorter boy shook his head abruptly, cutting James off before he got into whatever explanation he was planning on throwing on him next. Logan looked up at him finally, meeting his eyes once again. He nodded his head for James to follow him up the hall to where he knew there was an empty room currently not in use. Whatever was about to happen, he knew he didn't want it to happen in the middle of the hospital hallway where other people could see or hear what was going on. He ushered James into the room and then shut the door with a soft click behind them, holding his breath.

The last time he had seen James, the taller boy had been a messy, emotional drunk. Then he was asleep in his bed, curled up beside Logan just like the smaller boy could always remember. James didn't like to have it mentioned to him, nor did he like to admit it out loud often, but he clung in his sleep. He turned into Logan's body for the warmth, for the comfort, and curled up there, hooking a foot around the other boy's ankle and resting an arm over his chest. Even after waking up like that, James would deny the cuddly way he slept, as if it was too affectionate for someone of his _obviously _manly stature. Logan didn't have that conversation with him the morning after that last time he had seen him, because he had left before he could. Left before he could be more disappointed and hurt than he already was.

He thought it would be the last time he ever saw his best friend.

He couldn't help but feel the slightest bit self conscious for just a second, because there he was standing in a faded teal color pair of scrubs while James was looking like something out of a modeling agency's ad. He looked gorgeous, perfect, like he always did, but so much more in the dashing black tuxedo he wore. It only occurred to Logan once again, after a minute's admiration, just why he was wearing it in the first place.

"You're not drunk again, are you?" Logan almost didn't recognize the bitter tone of his own voice.

James looked slightly taken aback for a second before he swallowed, brow furrowing. "No. No, I'm not drunk. I'm sorry about the other-"

"It happened, it's done with now." Logan mumbled dismissively, looking past him at the wall behind his head.

He knew he was being cold, stoic even. It was something he never really got with James, because James had only ever brought out feelings of adoration, of love. He knew he couldn't go there, though, not right now. No matter how much looking at him standing there, looking as perfect and handsome as he did, was tugging at his heart.

"Please don't do that.. Please don't shut me out. Not now, Logan." James's voice was pleading, almost sounding guilty.

Logan hated the way that for a fleeting instant, he wanted his best friend to feel guilty. When had he become so venomous about all of this? Oh right…

"You're supposed to be getting married." He muttered. "Why are you even here?"

"I couldn't do it." James said.

There was a moment of silence, Logan's brow furrowing in confusion.

"I didn't- I freaking left-" Suddenly James was laughing, but it wasn't real laughter. It was the kind of laughter people let out when they were hysterical, when they were trying to act like something was funny when really they were seconds away from breaking down about it. "I said I can't. Not I do, _I can't_."

James was shaking his head, running a hand down over his face as he let out another crazy sounding laugh. For a moment, Logan actually felt concerned. It wasn't like he had never seen James in a situation where he kind of seemed like he was losing it a little, but it had been such a long time. Everything he thought he used to know about James, every little physical detail, every little tick or mood swing or interest, all of it seemed somehow washed away. For such a long time it felt like he knew James better than he knew himself, but now, it felt almost like he didn't know how to deal with him.

"You.. You left? Left the wedding?" Logan pressed.

"I left her at the altar. I really- Jesus Christ." James was stumbling the couple steps back to sit on the edge of the hospital bed and Logan was stepping forward instinctively, concern showing on his face now. "I left her at the altar." James repeated.

He wasn't looking at him anymore. Logan was looking down at James from where he stood, but now it was evidently James's turn to avoid looking at him, his hazel eyes looking distant as he focused on the closed door to the room beyond where the shorter boy stood in front of him.

"Why would you do that, James?" Logan's voice had gotten quietly, become softer and less angry.

"Because I love you."

Simultaneously, Logan felt like something was lodged in his throat and dropping in his stomach. He blinked a couple times, wishing he could look away when James's eyes moved to look at his face again finally. This was different than the other night when he had said it. Then Logan had known he was drunk and distraught, had told himself that James could only be saying it because something was wrong, and that was all it was. A mistake, a slip of the tongue, another of James's saying something stupid after he had been drinking episodes.

Yet here, now, he was saying it again, absolutely sober, looking up at Logan with this look in his eyes. This powerful _need _for him to believe what he was saying. Logan could see it, too, the desperation, the longing. He had known it had to be there in his eyes for so long, and now James was giving him that look, and it was all he had wanted for such a long time, but he stayed frozen and silent. He felt paralyzed somehow, by surprise, by disbelief. There were no words coming to his mind, only the rapid thrum of his pulse all of a sudden echoing in his ears.

James stood up slowly, leaving only mere inches between the two of them. Logan had to tilt his head back slightly to look up at him, to be able to still read that same look in his eyes. James's jaw was tight, his shoulders stiff. There was a silence hanging between them and for several seconds, Logan wasn't sure either one of them were going to break it.

Then, suddenly, James was leaning in and kissing him. It was slow at first, extremely tentative, as if he was testing to see if Logan would pull back or push him away.

He didn't.

Logan inhaled sharply through his nose the moment he felt James press his hands into his hips, their lips gradually working together more fervently. Everything suddenly felt hot, on fire, electric. Logan's arms wound their way around the back of James's neck, pulling him in closer and deepening the kiss. It didn't even occur to Logan that he was at work, they were in a freaking hospital room, for crying out loud. He didn't care. Because James was kissing him. James was holding him close and groaning softly into his mouth and getting his hands anywhere he possibly could where they stood, just like he used to what felt like forever ago.

And he loved him. James loved him. For now, if only for the moment, that was enough.


	10. Chapter 10

_**~Up front disclaimer: This chapter gets a little smutty near the ending, fair warning~**_

_**A/N; Now that that's out of the way, hello! I definitely meant to get this update up over the long weekend, but then I ended up spending the time being far, far too lazy instead. Then when I finally did get around to finishing up the second half of this chapter, it ended up getting really lengthy. Oh well, I suppose. Also, I apologize for my lack of expertise in the smut field~ I did my best.**_

_**As always, thank you thank you thank you, to all of you following/favorited/reviewing. You're all the best, and I appreciate you immensely.**_

_**Enjoy!**_

_**-Kay.**_

* * *

**Chapter 10**-

James didn't want to get out of the car. Better yet, he was terrified to get out of the car. He knew that doing what he had, taking off like he had, none of that came without repercussions. He may have been naïve, but he wasn't _that _naïve. There was no just brushing this one under the rug and moving on quickly. There were too many other people involved, too many other people he needed to work to fix things with, or at the very least apologize to. Legitimately fixing everything he had screwed up didn't seem entirely possible, but he knew he had to try.

Things with Logan might have been some semblance of fine for the moment, but they hadn't had the chance to talk out everything. True, at least Logan finally knew that he loved him, and that was the important part, but anything beyond that –what it meant for them, what they were going to do now- everything had been put on temporary hold. Logan had to get back to work and James had to handle backlash duty. They had agreed to meet at Logan's apartment later to tackle some of what was going on with them.

For now, though, James had other people to explain himself to. A phone call to Kendall had informed him that no one was at the church anymore, as well as been full of complaints about being yelled at by both of Grace's sisters. James had apologized and promised to make it up to him and Carlos later on before hurrying to the hotel the Carmichaels had been staying at, only to find out they had already checked out. He wished he could be surprised to find how easily they had access to airfare back home to New York once again, but it was to be expected, he supposed. Carmichaels had that capability.

It was outside of his mom's house he was sitting now, gripping tightly onto the steering wheel of the shut off car, lip caught between his teeth. Grace in particular, as well as the rest of her family, they would be tough to get through dealing with, but his mom? After the story she had shared with him just a couple hours before? After how incredibly proud she had been of him ever since telling her about the engagement? This one would most likely be the hardest.

Breathing out heavily, he finally got out of the car and made his way to the front door. His hand lingered on the gold doorknob before he slowly opened the door. He found he was holding his breath as he slowly clicked it shut behind him. It was like, just for a second, he was back in high school, trying to sneak into the house innocently after skipping his math class at the end of the day, as if his mother wouldn't get a phone call from the school and already know he had ditched.

The lights in the living room were on, even though there was still enough light coming in the windows from outside, the sky starting to tint orange as the sun was on its way down. James bit down on his lip as he neared where his mom was sitting on the couch, a small glass with amber colored liquid in it in her hand as she stared out into space thoughtfully. Her focus quickly snapped to him when he walked into the room, but instead of yelling at him or even saying anything at all, she just looked at him, staying silent. That was almost worse than any yelling, James thought, because at least if she were yelling at him then he would know a little about how she was feeling about the situation.

"Mom, I-" His voice was already small and quiet, like a child, but his mother cut him off with a raise of her hand.

He sucked in a breath, his jaw tightening. Brooke looked away from him, finishing off her drink before she stood slowly. James was almost a good half a foot taller than her, but under her serious gaze, under these circumstances, he felt much, much smaller.

"I asked you," she started, her voice low. "When you two were fighting, after I had heard from Joanna Mitchell, I _asked _you what was wrong, and you told me that everything was fine, James."

"I know… I know, and I-I'm sor-"

"And you still said nothing, gave absolutely no indication earlier today to me that anything was wrong. You acted like everything was alright."

"Mom, please let me-" His voice cracked as she shook her head slowly at him, speaking softly when he talked again. "Please let me explain."

Brooke set her glass down on the coffee table before straightening up and folding her arms across her chest, looking at him with a reprimanding expectancy.

He didn't know where to begin, really. There was so much his mom didn't know, so much he had either kept from her entirely or carefully filtered so that she didn't worry about him. The situation with him and Logan in particular, she knew nothing about, and that would have to change. The fact that he liked guys at all, let alone the fact that his best friend was the guy he happened to be in love with was going to be a feat to reveal, too. There was no avoiding it anymore, though, he knew that. He couldn't keep continuing on with all these secrets, it just ended with him hurting the people he cared about.

"I- This isn't.. easy to-" James ran a hand over his face, eyes stinging. "There's.. someone else, Mom."

Brooke's eyes narrowed confusedly.

"Okay, that- No, that was a bad place to start. I just-" He was talking quickly, nervous, and began wringing his hands together as he continued. "Mom, when I went to New York and met Grace at school, and then we got engaged, you were so- It was the proudest I had seen you be of me in such a long time. When you asked me if anything was wrong and I told you everything was fine, it's because I _wanted _it to be. God, all I wanted was for everything to be fine and perfect and go off without a hitch, because I knew how happy it made you. That was all I wanted." He shook his head slowly, swiping his hand across his cheek as a traitorous tear slipped down. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't tell you that I was unsure, or that there was someone else, I was just scared, okay? You were so proud of me, and I didn't want to somehow lose that."

Biting his lip, James shook his head and moved to tiredly fall back into the armchair. He hid his face in his hands, afraid that if he kept looking at his mother for much longer it would really sink in just how much he had disappointed her. He might not have always acted like it mattered, but making her proud was one of the only things he had decided he had to do for a long time.

Logan had a mom that was proud of him and all of his accomplishments. Kendall's mom was always proud and encouraging, even when Kendall was doing next to nothing. Carlos's mom looked at him like he was the creator of all things good and happy. Why couldn't he have that, too? Why was it so hard for him to just feel good enough?

"James." Despite the soft tone of Brooke's voice, James kept his face hidden as he sniffled quietly. "Sweetheart, please look at me." She gently touched the side of his face, having moved to stand in front of where he was seated.

Reluctantly, he let his hands fall away from his face, taking in an uneven breath as he tilted his head to look up at her. She smiled faintly down at him, but the expression was mostly sad.

"Honey, not a day has gone by where I haven't been proud of you. Not one." She shook her head, combing her fingers back through his hair for a second. "Every day, no matter how small, there's always been something you've said or done that brings a smile to my face. You have no idea how proud I am of you, no matter how big an accomplishment you're making. Don't ever think for a second you could lose something like that, do you understand me?"

Blinking back the threatening tears, James bit down hard on his lip and nodded. He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around his mother's middle, clinging to her for a moment much like he had as a child. On the days where he was scared, or the days when something had upset her and he thought he could make it better just by being there. He didn't cry, thankfully the moment passed after shutting his eyes and feeling the woman's arms wrap back around him. Brooke stroked the back of his hair and bent to kiss the top of his head before she was inching away to look down at him, now with a questioning expression.

"Who is it?" she asked softly.

She didn't have to elaborate in order for James to understand what she was asking. She wanted to know who the other person he had mentioned was. James chewed at his lip for a moment and looked down at his hands in his lap as he began twisting them together. He wasn't sure why it was such a difficult prospect to let people know about Logan and him. Kendall and Carlos had gotten the story and they didn't care. If his best friends could handle it, surely his mom, who had accepted everything else about him, who had just said that there wasn't a moment she wasn't proud of him, she could accept it, too, right?

"It's-" His brow furrowed as he let out a breath. "It's Logan…"

Brooke's brow furrowed for a moment, clearly having not expected that answer. She blinked a couple times, her hand falling away from the side of her son's face as she took a slow breath.

"So.. you're-"

James winced, halting her statement. "If we could not try to label me, that would be great."

She moved to sit on the arm of the couch nearest to where he was sitting, and his eyes followed her, taking in the way that she pursed her lips thoughtfully and stared passed him for a few seconds.

"How did I miss that?" she asked, her voice still quiet.

"You weren't the only one. I- I kind of worked really hard to keep it a secret. Logan knew, too, that I didn't really want anyone knowing we were together." He said.

Brooke's eyebrow's shot up. "Were you? Together, I mean?"

"Um…" James's face flushed and he fidgeted where he sat, looking down at the carpet.

It took her a moment, but finally Brooke's eyes widened in realization. "_Oh_."

James cleared his throat. "Yeah, let's just- We don't need to talk details, because.. just no. But it is Logan, and.. and I couldn't admit it before, but it was always gonna be Logan. He and I- You know how special he's always been to me, Mom. Before I left to New York, he told me that he loved me, and I practically booked it in the opposite direction. Which clearly turned out to be an idiot mistake, because look where I'm at now."

He breathed out heavily and kept his eyes on his mother. She had a look of deep concentration on her face, obviously trying to process everything that was being said. It felt like forever that the silence hung between them. James didn't really know what to expect, in terms of a reaction. It was a lot to take in, a lot to let out, too, if he were honest, but he couldn't imagine how difficult it had to be for his mother to process that he and Logan –two boys she had watched grow up together- were in love with each other.

"That's why the two of you never spoke after you left… I always wondered." She said finally, her voice sounding distant.

James nodded.

"I thought maybe it was just because Logan was busy for a while there, but then when he went to the city and-"

"Wait," James shifted, sitting up straighter as a confused expression crossed his features. "Logan was in New York? When?" Suddenly he felt a little sick.

"Last year, for your birthday. I remember thinking how good it would be for him to surprise you, but then he came back and.. never even mentioned seeing you to anyone." She shook her head slowly. "I should have known something was going on, I should have asked more questions, made sure you two were alright. I thought if I didn't push it, and if it were that big of a problem, you would talk to me about it, I didn't anticipate-"

"Mom, you couldn't have expected this one." James breathed out an almost dry laugh, rolling his eyes. "I cut him out the second I had the chance, and I'd kept everything a secret before that, there was no way of knowing what happened. That was how I wanted it. Logan knew that, too, which- which is why he wouldn't have said anything either…"

Brooke frowned slightly. "So then.. today, at the church, you said what you did because you want to be with Logan?"

Biting his lip and once again averting his eyes to the carpet, he nodded slowly.

"I thought- I mean, I knew I loved Grace. I didn't just ask her to marry me for the sake of covering something up or trying to please everyone else. She and I, different as we were, we cared about each other. I didn't think coming here to get married at home would change that, but- but then I _saw _him, Mom. Even just the first night I had come back, when you invited him over for dinner. He looked at me with this sad, accusatory expression and it hurt, it hurt worse than anything I'd ever felt, and I tried to ignore it. Then Carlos and Kendall's plan with the hockey rink just, when Logan and I had a moment alone, all he had to do was smile at me and I _knew_." He shook his head slowly, staring out into space as he took a deep breath. "God, and I hated that I knew, that I was so sure I loved him when I had Grace waiting for me here. So I tried to act like it meant nothing, but I can't do it anymore."

He finally looked up from the floor at her, noticing her expression had softened into something more like understanding suddenly.

"If I married her today, I would have lost him. I already did that once, I can't do it again. I just can't. You understand that, right?" he asked, voice wavering for just an instant.

It took a moment –though it felt like so much longer to James as he waited for any kind of response- but Brooke finally sighed heavily and gave a subtle nod.

"I think I understand, Jamie. I wish.. I wish you would have told me all of this sooner. A lot of things could have gone more smoothly…" she murmured.

James swallowed and frowned. "I know… I'm sorry, I am, so sorry."

"I don't think it's me you need to keep apologizing too, sweetheart, and I think you're also well aware of that." She said with a faint, sad smile.

"I know…" James groaned, letting his face fall into his hands. "She went back to New York with her parents…"

"So, what are you going to do, Jamie?"

Huffing out a sigh, he ran a hand down his face, keeping it over his mouth for a moment before he spoke again in a mumble.

"I can't just not go talk to her.. Not to mention she'll probably have my stuff out on a curb in trash bags in no time." He paused and ran a hand back through his hair. It occurred to him only then finally that he was still wearing his tux. "I'm supposed to talk to Logan, too, see what's even going on between us? Jeez, I- I managed to stack up a lot of problems to tackle all at once, didn't I?"

"You always did like to do things bigger and better." Brooke snickered lightly.

James snorted, "Bigger, yes. Better, in this instance? Not so much."

"Come here," His mother said, sighing and standing up.

Stiffly, he stood too, looking at her with a questioning expression until she tugged him into a hug. Somehow that was the one thing he really needed at the moment. No more awkward tension or averted glances. No more interrogation or surprise. Just his mom, hugging him in that way that she always did, just to tell him she was there and that she loved him. He breathed in deeply as his arms wound tightly around her, the smell of her perfume a tad overwhelming, but he got through it.

He had been so scared of losing her, not just losing the pride that she seemed to have in him for hitting such a milestone in his life, but the relationship between them entirely. He had been downright terrified that the knowledge of his sexuality, and then the situation with Logan tied to everything else would have caused her to look at him differently. It wasn't as if he hadn't heard enough horror stories about coming out or anything. However, in the circle of his mother's arms, everything he was dreading, everything he had ever panicked about, it all dissipated.

Brooke turned her face to press a kiss to his temple and he smiled faintly, shutting his eyes momentarily before pulling back and sighing. He muttered something about really needing to get out of the clothes he was in before he went upstairs to change. Even though he knew that there wasn't much difference made to the room since they had been there, the moment he opened the door to the guest bedroom, he could practically feel the absence of the blonde he had shared the room with for the past week. It made his chest feel tight. Knowing that he was going to be facing a whole different wave of questions and uncertainty shortly didn't help to comfort him any, either.

Once he was out of his tuxedo and into low hanging, faded jeans and a dark gray hoodie, he hurried down the stairs once again, rental car keys and cell phone in the pouch pocket of his sweatshirt. He told his mom that he would look into the soonest available flights back to the city the moment he had a chance after talking with Logan. She seemed hesitant, almost as if she were about to reprimand him for the first time in their conversing, but instead she ended up breathing out a sigh, telling him she loved him, and wishing him luck.

He figured he needed it.

Arriving at Logan's apartment and knocking on the door twice, James heard the soft call of 'it's open!' from beyond the door and slowly turned the doorknob, teeth digging into his lower lip anxiously. While he hadn't spent nearly twenty minutes sitting in his car lost in thought outside the apartment building the way that he had outside his mom's house, it didn't make him feel any less nervous to be in the current situation he was either. He shut and locked the front door again quietly before looking toward where Logan was sitting up on the high stool at his bar style kitchen counter. Logan folded up whatever paper he was reading in front of him and turned on the stool to face James as he moved over to him.

"I see we're no longer socializing in formalwear." Logan half smiled, motioning toward the taller boy's sweatshirt.

James breathed out a laugh and shook his head, looking down as he rested a hand gently on each of Logan's knees. The fact that being this close, being able to talk to him and touch him again, still felt as chillingly electrifying as it always had only continued to remind James that he had made the right choice. There was no way that he could have given this up again, not for anything.

Chewing at his lip, he hesitated before lifting his gaze to meet Logan's deep brown eyes. "Why didn't you tell me you came to the city last year?" he asked softly.

"I-" Logan frowned, the expression both confused and mildly surprised. "Your mom told you about that?"

"Well, it wasn't you who did." James pointed out.

The shorter boy sighed and lifted a hand from his lap to toy with one of the drawstrings on James's hoodie as he spoke with a distant look in his eyes. "I didn't think I was ever going to have to explain that, honestly. I just- I missed you, and it was your twenty-first birthday. Kendall and Carlos were all encouraging, naturally, and thought my surprising you would be a great idea. They were probably hoping it would fix whatever was wrong, but…" he shrugged. "They had given me the details of where your apartment was at and everything, and they had told me you were seeing someone, I just hadn't known that she was living with you until I got there."

James wasn't sure what he was hoping to get from finally getting this story, but the nerves going wild in his gut weren't exactly calming down at all as the explanation continued.

"I had checked into this hotel, and I thought about calling you, but I wasn't sure you would actually answer, so instead I just got a cab to your apartment. When I got there, you, um, you were on your way out, and you were with Grace. I remember seeing the way you both had your arms around each other, the biggest smiles on both of your faces." Logan paused, swallowing and taking in a shaky breath. "And I thought to myself, 'why are you doing this? Why are you here right now?' I couldn't make myself get out of the cab, because I felt like if I did, I would ruin something. It was like you leaving in the first place wasn't enough, the universe still was giving me any sign it could possibly give me to just let go of you."

"So you left." James said, voice barely above a whisper.

Biting his lip, Logan nodded. "When I came back three days earlier than I was supposed to, I think the guys knew that whatever they had been hoping for in terms of resolution hadn't happened. They didn't ask me a lot of questions about it. The first day or two I was pretty upset, but people knew I didn't want to talk about it, and I got over it eventually."

"You should have gotten out of the car." The brunette mumbled, giving Logan's knees a squeeze. "So many things could have been different if-"

"Like what?" Logan was meeting his eyes again now, eyebrows raised, with a look of mildly amused question on his face. "What would it really have accomplished, James? You'd already spent a year pretending I didn't exist. Springing up out of the blue would have only made things hard for you."

"But Grace and I weren't engaged then, not yet anyway. It could have put me off to the whole idea."

"So now I actually had to be there in front of you in order to be compelling enough to change your mind?"

"No. No, that's not what I-" James groaned, rolling his neck with his eyes closed in slight frustration before he huffed. "No. Because it wasn't that you were never on my mind, or that nothing ever reminded me of you or made me miss you, because I did. Every day. Seeing you, though? Knowing you had been there, that you had come to see me on your own accord, and that- that you didn't hate me the way that I thought you did…" He bit his lip and shook his head slowly. "It could have changed everything."

"Well, we're a little late on that 'what if' now, I'd say." Logan sighed, letting go of the string he had still been playing with.

James nodded subtly. Slowly, almost hesitantly –as if he wasn't quite sure that it was okay again just yet- he slid his hands from Logan's knees to his hips where he sat. He leaned forward to touch their foreheads together, his eyes falling closed as he breathed in deeply.

"I love you. Have I mentioned that?" He murmured.

Logan hummed quietly, and James could practically hear the smile that had to be on his face. The shorter boy nudged his nose against his gently, the simple motion suddenly making James's entire body feel warm, at ease.

"Say it again." Logan whispered.

The corner of James's lips quirked upward into a hint of a smirk and he opened his eyes, gazing at Logan through his long lashes.

"I love you." This time he deliberately said the words slowly, separately.

Logan smiled widely, the dimples in his cheeks standing out in that way that always seemed to take James's breath away. The brunette leaned in a little further, brushing their lips together just barely, but Logan inched away, taking a breath and sliding a hand along James's chest to press against it.

"Did you get to talk to Grace, too?" he asked.

James frowned with a sigh, inching away a little bit. "She's already gone. She and her family went back to New York."

"So you're going back out there to talk to her, right?"

"Yeah.. I have to, I know I do. It's what's right. I owe her an explanation, and an apology."

Logan nodded slowly.

"I don't suppose there's any way to get you to come with me?" James asked hopefully.

The other boy let out a breathy laugh and shook his head, lifting a hand to gently tap the side of his jaw. "This one's all you, Jamie, not me. You'll be alright."

James shifted on his feet, fingers tightening slightly for a moment where they rested still on Logan's hips, causing his breath to catch in his throat. The taller of the two pressed his lips together in thought.

"What about us, Logan? We're still- Are we…?" The broken questions only helped to convey his confusion on the matter.

Logan paused to bite down on his lip, and James didn't miss the way that his brown eyes flicked toward the folded up letter he had been reading when he'd gotten there on the counter. James's brow twitched into a furrow, suddenly beginning to feel a certain kind of anxiety creeping up on him once again. The other boy seemed to notice and breathed out a sigh.

"I know that I said I wanted to talk about that, us, and I do, but I also kind of just want to enjoy the night, you know? Just.. us being together at all again." He said quietly, hands moving to pull gently at the sides of the pocket on James's sweatshirt.

Some part of James was telling him that he shouldn't take that. There was too much uncertainty in the notion, especially given the not so subtle hesitation toward approaching the topic after Logan had been the one to suggest it in the first place. However there was a bigger part of him that felt too tired, too exhausted, really, to try to press for any more information. All the stresses of that day, from waking up thinking he was going to be married, to panicking after running away from the altar, to practically turning into a nervous wreck while thinking about explaining everything to his mother, it had all taken its toll on him. Avoiding one last emotional weight for the day couldn't be that terrible an idea, could it?

As if sensing the internal struggle to pursue or not pursue the issue, Logan moved his hands to cup his jaw, tilting his head down toward him.

"Okay?" he asked.

Hazel eyes locked with brown ones, both looking a combination of confused, anxious, and worn out. It was an odd combination, and if he could have given himself more of a push to think rationally, James might have realized that both of them looking and feeling so distressed couldn't possibly be a good thing, but as he kept gazing at his best friend, this person that he loved more than anything, he couldn't seem to force himself.

He nodded slowly and leaned forward to press his lips to Logan's, leaving a slow, lingering kiss there that this time Logan didn't pull away from. James gripped onto Logan's hips, dragging them an inch or two forward on his stool as their lips continued to work together. Logan's hands fisted at the plush fabric of the gray hoodie, tugging James as close as he could get him, and causing the taller boy to groan lowly into his mouth. Logan began pulling back and James whined softly, earning a quiet chuckle.

"C'mon.." Logan murmured.

He slid off of the stool and took hold of one of James's hands, dragging him along with him down the short hallway to his bedroom. The brunette could vaguely remember the room from the day before, in his post-hangover haze. He hadn't been paying too much attention to the finer details then, only recognizing that he had no idea where he was until he had rolled over and noticed the note on the pillow beside him, recognizing the handwriting almost immediately. For a moment, something felt wrong, something he couldn't quite place.

But then Logan's hand was sliding along the back of his neck and bringing him down to kiss him again, and any thoughts he had a moment before were shot to hell in an instant. James's fingers curled around the hem of the t-shirt Logan wore, pulling their lips apart again in a breathy hurry to tug the piece of clothing over his head and toss it aside. They went back to kissing each other again in a rush, however in between laughing softly as James worked to squirm out of his sweatshirt before finally getting it off and tossed to the side.

Logan eyed James's bare torso in momentary awe, and the look in itself reminded James just how long it had been since either one of them had seen each other like this. They were acting like this was normal, like they did this all the time. True, for a time that was how it had been, but that time wasn't now, and there was a little voice in James's head saying that treating this like old times was somehow wrong. However, the hormonally driven 22 year old male got the better of him once again as Logan began trailing his lips down his neck and over his shoulder. His fingers hooked in the belt loops of James's jeans and tugged him to turn him before carefully pushing him down onto his bed.

James stayed sitting up for a moment, tilting his head back to meet Logan's mouth searing against his own as his hand slid up the dark haired boy's back. Logan moaned softly into his mouth, pushing back against his shoulders to get him to lie down. Once he had, Logan easily hovered over his body, continuing to kiss him heatedly for a second before his mouth was once again moving downward. James groaned and let his eyes fall closed as he felt Logan's teeth graze against his collarbone. With each open mouthed kiss that Logan began trailing down his chest, over his abdomen, James could feel his pulse quicken, his breathing get heavier. Logan traced his tongue along the ridges of abdominal muscle, causing James to fist at the fabric of the comforter beneath him.

One of Logan's hands began working to expertly undo the button and zipper on James's jeans before both hands were moving to tug them down, James kicking them off as Logan's hands trailed back up the outside of his thighs. Every touch felt like it was going to give him a heart attack. His skin felt flushed, his chest already beginning to rise and fall quickly as Logan's hands ventured to the inside of his thighs, mouth moving in a line of sloppy kisses over the elastic waistband of James's boxer briefs. James opened his eyes again, staring wide-eyed up at the white ceiling as he attempted to control his breathing in the slightest.

It felt amazing, every tiny little thing was sending him reeling, but that wasn't all it was. It was so quick and hurried. And sure, yeah, it wasn't like he and Logan had never hastened out of their clothes and practically attacked each other, and it wasn't like the whole hungry and rushed thing wasn't totally a turn on, but something didn't settle about it right now. He wanted to be able to enjoy it, wanted to be able to feel phenomenal as Logan's tongue flicked against the skin of his hip bone and his fingers began to dip under the fabric of the briefs to pull them down. Sure, it felt good, and he'd be lying if he said that the idea of Logan's mouth wrapped around him right fucking then didn't sound like some kind of heaven on Earth, but his gut still wasn't settling. If it was bothering him this much, it couldn't be just him, right?

"Logan- Fuck." He groaned, biting down on his lip and mentally cursing himself when his hips jerked upward for a second. "Logan, wait."

Logan's dark eyes flicked up to him for a second, an almost taunting look on his face. He trailed a path of kisses back up James's torso until he reached his neck and paused to suck at his pulse point, palming James over the thin fabric of his boxer briefs as he did. James grunted and once again his body betrayed him, hips jerking upward and eyes rolling back for an instant.

"Hmm?"

By some miracle –or maybe Hell was actually freezing over, that could be likely, too- James growled quietly under his breath and mustered up enough self control to grip onto Logan's wrist to stop him. He moved his hand away and quickly turned the both of them over, straddling Logan's waist and grabbing hold of his hands to keep them pinned down on either side of the smaller boy's head. Logan smirked up at him, no doubt thinking the change of position had to do with James wanting to take control of the situation and avoid more teasing. Which, okay, yeah, the brunette had to give him that in any other instance that probably would have been the case, but for some reason now was different.

They were both breathing heavily, James simply looking down at Logan for several seconds, Logan licking his lips in a way that very well almost had James caving after all. Instead, however, once his breathing had slowed at least a little bit, he barely gave a shake of his head.

"We- We can't do this right now." He murmured.

Logan's smirk almost instantly turned to a look of confusion. "But.. I thought you wanted…"

"Oh trust me," James chuckled breathily, "I would love to. It's just-" He bit his lip, loosening the tight grip he had on Logan's wrists as his face softened.

Hurrying into the room, and both of them being so quick to be all over each other like nothing had even happened between them to change a thing, James hadn't even had a moment to think. Being in a position now where distraction was limited, where his sole focus was looking down at the person he had beneath him, something clicked. His initial, fleeting thought about how long it had been came back to him and he swallowed.

"Not including the other night when I came here drunk, this is the first night you and I have spent together in _two years_. It shouldn't just be about.. this." He explained softly.

There was a few second's paused, and then James noticed the way Logan's face fell just before he squeezed his eyes closed.

"I'm an idiot." He mumbled.

"No, actually, you're very far from an idiot."

"I- I didn't even think- You're right. I'm sorry."

"Shhhh," James let go of his wrists entirely to move his hands to either side of his face, thumbs brushing over his cheekbones. "Not exactly the first time we've both got caught up in the moment."

Logan's eyes opened finally, a faint grin becoming present on his face. "When did you become the rational one?"

"Oh, it's been a _long_ day, my friend. I think I might have turned forty." James drawled with a roll of his eyes.

He rolled off of him, turning to lay on his side facing him. Logan hesitated a moment, sighing, before turning onto his side as well.

"Pretty good looking for a forty year old." he joked quietly.

"Always." James laughed lightly.

Logan smiled faintly and brushed his fingers gently along James's cheek, causing his hazel eyes to flutter close for a second. The simple familiarity of the sweet gesture felt somehow calming.

"I love you, you know that?" he whispered.

The brunette's eyes opened once again, meeting Logan's. "Yeah, I know." He stayed quiet an extra moment, letting out a breathy laugh as Logan chewed at his lip when he didn't say the words back right away. "And I love you, too."

Lips barely quirking up at the corners, Logan inched forward on the mattress, pressing in close against James's chest and breathing in deeply.

"Promise?" he asked.

James smiled gently and slid his arm around Logan's waist to hold him closer. It felt somehow childish, and maybe that was only because making each other promises was something that had been a lifelong thing between the two of them. Much like their spending the night together, however, it had been such a long time.

Maybe he'd never be able to make up for that, for those two years that he spent away and lost touch with the one person he knew best and loved the most. Maybe he'd be trying to get re-used to it again for a while. After all the events of the day, not to mention everything that was still up in the air –talking to Grace, actually figuring out the intricacies of what was going on between him and his best friend, thinking of what he was going to do now that his life wasn't actually in New York anymore- it felt like there was nothing resolved, so much still to fix. There were so many questions still, but despite all of that, and despite the fact that things were not one hundred percent perfect right then, James knew at least one thing, and that was that he loved Logan. No matter what had to be done to show him that, to make up for the lost time, he'd do it.

He bent his head down and pressed a kiss into Logan's mussed up dark hair and sighed tiredly.

"Promise."


	11. Chapter 11

_**A/N; Hello friends! First and foremost, I'm going to apologize for the amount of angst in this chapter, because wow it ended up more intense and full of that than I thought it was going to be. Also there's a shock, so yes, don't hate me for what happens, I love yooouuu. I've been working on updates for my other stories as well, but this one came to me first, so lucky you guys, I guess!**_

_**Always, always, thank you so much to my lovely followers/reviewers/beautiful people who read this story. You make my day :)**_

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**Chapter 11-**

The first thing James became aware of was how much space there was beside him. Blindly, keeping his eyes closed still in his half asleep state, he reached around for the smaller body that he was expecting to be there beside him. He frowned as his hand slid along cool, empty sheet, his brow furrowing as he slowly opened his eyes. He blinked a few times in quick succession, the bright light streaming through the blinds causing his tired eyes to sting momentarily. It didn't take long for a slight panic to kick in. The last time he had woken up in Logan's bed alone hadn't been a great time. James barely gave himself a moment to stretch before hurriedly clambering out of bed and out into the living room.

Logan was sitting on the couch, on his laptop. James breathed out a sigh of relief, seeing him there. For whatever reason, his mind had let him believe, even just for a moment, that he was gone again. Logan's brown eyes flicked up toward him as he noticed him in his peripheral vision, a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

"Hey there, sleeping beauty." He greeted, teasing lightly.

James swallowed and managed a somewhat groggy smile as he scratched at the back of his head. "How long have you been up for?"

Logan shrugged. "A couple hours. I thought about waking you up for breakfast, but I figured you could use the sleep."

Curiously, James finally glanced at the clock, eyebrows raising when he realized it was quarter after noon already. Evidently he had been even more drained and exhausted than he had been aware of. It occurred to him that in the last week, on top of the day before taking a particularly large toll on him, he had had a few restless nights. As groggy as he still sort of felt, still in the waking up process, he could at least acknowledge that it was the first time all week he felt even slightly well rested.

He moved around the back of the grey couch, lifting up Logan's laid out legs for a moment before sitting and letting them fall back down across his lap. Logan wasn't looking at him, his eyes on the screen of the laptop in front of him, but there was a small, fond smile on his face.

"What are you doing?" James asked curiously.

"Looking at plane tickets." Logan answered.

James kinked a brow. Logan glanced up for a second when he was quiet, sighing.

"You didn't actually forget about going back to New York, did you?" he chuckled slightly.

"No," James mumbled. As if he could forget. "I just wasn't aware you were so quick to be rid of me again."

Despite the sullen tone of the brunette's voice, the shorter boy rolled his eyes with a shake of his head. James should have expected it, if he were honest. If anyone didn't play the pacify James game, it was Logan.

"Yes, James, I'd love to get rid of you. In fact, please go grab your clothes and head out now." He muttered sarcastically.

James sneered with just a tinge of playfulness, moving his hand to pinch the underside of the other boy's thigh. Logan flinched and quickly reached to swat at James's bare shoulder, narrowing his eyes at him.

"The sooner you go, the sooner you can be back, alright?" he raised his eyebrows, as if challenging the brunette to question him.

James bit his lip anxiously. As sweet as he was sure the sentiment was supposed to be, he couldn't help but feel guilty. He wondered if that would ever wear off, for either of them, this thing they both subtly made note of about his leaving. He doubted Logan's intention was to throw it in his face and make him feel bad, but it didn't change the fact that he did.

He vaguely wondered what sort of things had gone through Logan's head in the last week since his return to Minnesota. James wondered if every time he left, even if it was just to go their separate ways for a night until the next day, if there was ever an underlying nervousness about his just being gone and not coming back again. Perhaps it was a stretch, a little arrogant of him to assume that the situation had that much of an effect, but the constant reminder of his leaving initially left him pondering the possibility.

It was something –on a list of several somethings- that made him dread going back to the city again even more. Things were a whole lot different this time, he knew that, but he couldn't shake the overall nervousness. Nervousness about explaining himself to Grace, nervousness about him and Logan, about what his life was going to be now that so much was changing in a direction he hadn't been anticipating. He couldn't very well just not go back to talk to Grace, and he knew that. This kind of thing was definitely a face to face matter, not to mention the fact that he was about ninety percent positive that she wouldn't take his call if he tried. He couldn't exactly blame her. He didn't really want to have a lot to do with himself at the moment, either.

"James?"

The brunette shook his head once quickly to clear it, having spaced out for a moment, and looked at Logan expectantly.

Logan's brow twitched into a furrow. "Are you okay?"

"To be determined." James mumbled, pursing his lips a moment later.

"Hey," Logan frowned slightly and moved to set his laptop down on the coffee table before inching closer to him, his hand moving to rub comfortingly at the back of James's neck. "Talk to me, let me see if I can help."

James let his eyes roam over his best friend's concerned face for a moment before he sighed.

"I don't know if even you can help me right now." He winced as Logan immediately stilled his movement and looked down. "That came out really wrong. I'm sorry."

"It's fine." Logan murmured, but his voice indicated that it was actually anything but fine.

James let something of a whine out, more in frustration toward himself than anything else, and tilted his head back against the back of the couch.

"I can't do anything right, lately." He thought out loud, staring up at the ceiling.

He heard Logan breathe out a sigh, but he didn't look at him. He almost felt like he suddenly couldn't. Logan was someone he felt like he wasn't doing right by recently, or even not recently. Two years probably didn't count as being particularly recent, especially given what had already been going on in the several days just prior.

"You know I just want you to be happy, right?" Logan murmured quietly.

James practically scowled up at the ceiling before looking at Logan to scoff at him and shake his head.

"Don't even start that with me." He said seriously.

"James, I mean it."

"I said don't." James snapped, voice harsher than intended.

He moved to push Logan's legs off of him to get up, but Logan –stubborn and demanding to be heard- pushed a hand firmly against the taller boy's chest and moved even closer, half sitting in his lap at this point. He grabbed onto James's chin, forcing him to meet his eyes when James tried to defiantly look away from him.

"Don't pick a fight with me right now. I get that you're going through a lot, but don't. I'm not letting you pick up a habit of fighting with me right before you take off for New York."

James cringed.

"If you don't want to talk to me about whatever, that's your choice. Just- _Don't _fight with me and then leave. You can't do that to me again."

Jaw tightening, James breathed in deeply and nodded his head once stiffly. His earlier wondering about Logan's fear of him leaving felt somehow proven suddenly. Logan brushed his hand from his chin along his jaw, stroking his fingers gently over his brown hair for a second.

"Do you think it'll ever get easier?" James blurted, unthinkingly.

It seemed like there were a lot of plausible answers to what he was asking about. Would things ever get easier for him? Opening up, being smarter about the decisions he made, making up for the plethora of mistakes he had managed to make? James knew he wasn't asking about things getting easier for himself, however. He was asking about Logan. If it would ever get easier to let things go, to not worry, to trust him again.

Logan wasn't an idiot, he knew what the brunette was referring to. He bit down on his lip instead of giving a verbal response, but James got the hint.

He didn't know, either.

James ended up on a red eye flight back to New York. Which, of course, he felt was incredibly stupid considering it wasn't as if he was going to be doing a whole lot of talking to anyone when he landed in New York at 4:30 in the morning. He really didn't want to check into a hotel, given he technically had an apartment half under his name there in the city, but going to crash in the home that Grace was probably still at didn't seem like the brightest idea, so he did what he had to.

Unsurprisingly, he didn't get a lot of sleep, maybe an hour at most. He opted for texting Logan to let him know he was landed and checked in all fine instead of calling, both because it was early and because typing out words seemed easier than saying them at the moment. Otherwise, he spent a couple hours flipping hotel room channels and barely dozing in and out of consciousness.

When he decided it was a good time to haul himself out of the queen sized bed, he showered and got dressed sluggishly. He glanced at his reflection in the mirror, the rugged stubble that he hadn't been bothering to take a razor to recently, the dark, tired bags lingering under his slightly glassy hazel eyes. He looked how he felt, drained. The worst part was that he was already as exhausted as he was and he hadn't even seen Grace yet.

He thought about calling his mom or even any one of his three best friends, just for one last possible vote of confidence, but then he decided not to. Leaving the Manhattan hotel, he waved down a cab as he stood at the curb, feeling ill when he slid into the yellow car's back seat.

Grace had always been a relatively early riser, so James wasn't entirely surprised to see the apartment light on in the window as he glanced up at the building after getting out of the cab and paying the driver, even if it was just nearing nine. He took the stairs up to the second story apartment slowly, feeling more dread with each step he took. He hesitated outside the front door, debating whether or not to knock before he huffed out a sigh and pulled his key out of the pocket of his jeans. His teeth worked at his lower lip as he quietly stepped into the familiar apartment, closing the door as softly as he could manage. Despite having lived there for a year, his things still mingled in with Grace's around the place, he felt somehow like he was intruding.

"Cat?" He heard Grace call from the bedroom.

His chest felt tight as he continued to stay quiet for a moment, moving to set his keys gently on the kitchen counter, standing in the open space between the kitchen and living room. He kept his eyes on the cracked door to their bedroom, teeth digging into his lip.

"I thought we said we weren't meeting up until this after-" Grace's voice cut off abruptly, catching in her throat as she realized who she had thought was her sister was far from her.

She was wearing her pale pink bathrobe, having been in the middle of towel-drying her damp blonde hair when she had come out of the room. The towel had since fallen to the tan carpet when her eyes had caught on James. He was struggling to come up with anything he could possibly say to her, but before he even had a chance to get any kind of word out of his mouth, Grace was stepping in front of him. An instant later, her palm collided with his cheek, his face turning slightly with the force of the slap. His lips parted and he breathed in slowly, blinking a couple times as he flexed his jaw for good measure. His cheek stung, but he couldn't really say that he blamed her for slapping him, all things considered.

"Grace-" He slowly started to turn to look at her, but once again she slapped him. "_Ow_. Okay, okay! I get it, you're mad, stop hitting me!"

"Mad? You think I'm _mad_?" The blonde seethed, shaking her head.

"I'm great with understatements, you know that.." he mumbled.

She scowled at his nonchalance, her hand flying up like she was going to hit him again, but he swiftly caught her by the wrist –saying a silent thank you to his quick reflexes.

"_Stop_." He growled. "You wanna yell at me, then yell, but hitting me will get you nowhere."

Grace glowered at him and yanked her hand out of his grasp. They both seemed to glare at each other in a tense silence for several moments before the blonde finally huffed, shaking her head as she turned away from him in frustration.

"You completely ruined everything. You humiliated me in front of friends, in front of family. Hell, there were strangers there I didn't even know who were looking at me oddly after you ran off to God only knows where!" she raised her voice and tossed her hands up in the air before turning to look at him again. "Don't even get me started on how furious my family was."

James noticed the way that, despite the strong and angry bravado the blonde was working hard to maintain, her jaw was trembling, her blue eyes brimming with tears that through her shouting she blinked to keep back.

He kept his voice calm, trying to bring her back down to that level, too, by not having some kind of screaming match with one another. "Grace, your family didn't want us to get married anyway, you know that. They didn't want me."

"But _I _do, James!" She cried, tears falling freely now as she shoved at his chest. "I do. Me. The one you were supposed to be getting married to. You weren't marrying my mom, or my sisters, or my dad, you were marrying _me_."

James swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat and hesitantly lifted a hand from his side to brush some of her tears away. Unsurprisingly, Grace swatted at his hand, shaking her head. Biting his lip, he tried again, and this time she let him, a soft sob breaking out from between her tightly clenched teeth as he cupped the side of her face with his hand and ran his thumb along her damp cheek.

"Baby, you know it's not that simple…" he murmured softly, sadly.

"But it _could _be." She whimpered, instinctively leaning her face against his palm. "We could go somewhere else. Florida, Jersey. I don't care. It could be just us."

Dryly, James breathed out a short laugh. "Grace, you weren't even going to drop your last name for me, I don't think you could leave your family."

Abruptly, she scowled at him and recoiled from his touch.

"Do not even act like this is my fault." She snapped.

He was getting really sick of people doing that to him, throwing his wrongs back in his face, making him feel even guiltier than he already did on his own.

"I'm not- It's not your fault. Not at all." He muttered.

It was Grace's turn now to laugh humorlessly. "You're damn right it's not."

"Grace, I'm sorry." He sighed, reaching to pinch the bridge of his nose.

"Great. Good for you, James. What does that do for me?" The blonde folded her arms across her chest, sniffling.

James pressed his lips together, at a loss. What could he really say to her? None of the explanations he had were going to do any form of reassuring. She had every right to be angry with him, and he knew that, but it was still hard to stomach, making it hard for him to process the entire situation. How had he done this to her? How had he been the person to cause the harsh betrayal, the broken heartedness to not leave her blue eyes? He resisted the urge to shudder as some kind of subconscious whisper reminded him this wasn't the first time, Grace wasn't the first person he had hurt like this.

It seemed wrong somehow, even just the instantaneous comparison. Finding similarities in the situations between him and Logan and him and Grace didn't make anything easier. At the end of the day, he was choosing one over the other, leaving whoever he didn't choose hurting. Overwhelmingly, he felt hate toward himself once again.

"What do you want me to say, Grace?" he barely recognized the sound of his own gruff voice.

Grace stared at him for a long moment, her arms tightening across her chest as if to distract from the fact that her jaw was once again trembling.

"I want you to tell me _why_, James." Her voice cracked, ruining her tough bravado. "And don't tell me it's because of my family, because I know that's not it. You had almost two years to break up with me and get away from them if that was what you wanted. So just.. tell me the truth."

James watched sadly as the blonde wiped at her leaking eyes, biting the inside of his cheek anxiously.

"I deserve an explanation." She sniffled.

And she did, he knew she did. His whole purpose in coming back to New York was to explain himself and to apologize. However, much like when he had gone to tell his mother everything, he had no idea where to begin.

"Grace, I-" He breathed in slowly and moved a hand to hold onto the edge of the counter he stood near, as if it gave him some kind of support. "When I first came here to the city, when we first met and you asked me why I had moved here, do you remember what I told you?"

Grace nodded hesitantly. "You wanted a fresh start."

A sad smile faintly crossed James's features. "Yeah… And- And that was kind of it, but I- More than anything, I was running away."

The blonde's brow furrowed slightly and he continued his explanation with a sigh.

"There was.. someone I had been with. It was more than I thought I was ready for then. I'd already had the thought, wanting to move to the city, get out of Minnesota, but this was just.. the final push, I guess. That's what I was running away from."

"Someone else…" Grace murmured softly.

James barely gave a nod. "When I met you, I remember feeling like maybe I had the chance to move on after all. Because you were everything I had ever wanted, you were what I thought I had been missing."

"But.. But I wasn't." It wasn't a question, more of a mournful realization.

"You have to understand, everything I told you, everything I felt about you, that happiness and that love, the want to marry you, it was all real. I can't- I _do _love you. I love you so much, I hate that I'm doing this to you-"

"Then why are you?" she choked out.

A pained expression crossed his face. Hesitantly, he moved towards her, gently running his hands along her arms. She tilted her head to look up at him, tears still in her eyes. James brushed a piece of damp hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear. Grace squeezed her eyes closed, a few tears escaping as she did. Her arms finally unfolded, her hands moving to grasp onto the front of his tan colored t-shirt.

"Please," she whispered. "You can't- We can work through whatever it is. We can wait to get married until you're more sure, but, James, you can't leave me, please."

No matter how many times he heard it, saw it in someone else's eyes, that desperation for him to stay, for him to not run away –_again_- it didn't get any easier to choke down. Whether it was Grace or Logan, it hurt, every time. Worse than just reality coming and giving him a swift swat across the face, it felt like getting kicked repeatedly in the gut. He wanted to be sick, to cry, to curl in on himself and realize how much he hurt because of the even worse hurt he had been the cause of.

Stupidly, he breathed out a short, humorless laugh. "I don't think it's quite that simple."

Grace's eyes opened again to look at him questioningly.

"It's not- I can't just.. move on. It's not working.." he murmured.

James expected her to move away from him at that point, but surprisingly she stayed where she was, her jaw tight as she looked up at him.

"What changed?" she asked quietly. "A few weeks ago you seemed so.. so happy, excited even for this wedding, and now-" She cut off as he averted his eyes to the floor. "This is because you went home… Isn't it?"

James's brow twitched into a furrow, but he didn't say anything, didn't look back at her.

"You saw her back in Minnesota, didn't you?" Her voice was almost accusing.

"Him."

His hazel eyes widened quickly as the correction left his mouth before he even took a second to think about it. He quickly looked at Grace as she inched away from him, looking even more confused than she had before –if that were possible. Her hands moved from his chest, one falling down to her side, the other lingering held up in the air in the few inches between them.

"Him." She repeated, as if to clarify that she had actually heard him right.

"Grace-" She shook her head at him to cut him off.

"This is about- It's about _Logan, _isn't it?" Her voice was getting louder again, her anger obviously flaring.

"If you'd just listen-"

"Don't." Grace snapped, lifting her hand up further to jab a finger in his direction. "_That's _why you never told me anything about him. Why you looked the way you did when he showed up at your mom's for dinner. Oh my god, I'm an idiot." She turned away from him angrily, shaking her head.

James stayed stiffly where he was, feeling frozen, paralyzed. There had been no cushion, no delicacy to that reveal at all. The fact that Grace easily jumped to the correct assumption that he was referring to Logan made him feel sickly transparent.

"He's my best friend…" he said softly, his voice sounding distant to him.

Grace snorted out a sarcastic laugh. "Oh, I'm sure you two are _great _friends."

Suddenly on the defensive, James narrowed his eyes at her. "How mature of you, Grace, really."

"Oh please, James. Like you know anything about maturity. Clearly you have a habit of running away the second things get too serious for you. You're like a child, running and hiding." She snapped, stepping closer to him.

"Like a child, says Daddy's little princess." James snapped back, voice cold.

"At least I know what I want!" She shouted, practically in his face.

"Well, congratu-fucking-lations, Grace. Want a damn prize?" he glowered.

Unexpectedly, her dark gaze darted to his lips before back up to meet his glare. "Yeah, actually, I do."

Before James could get even another quick breath in, the blonde was standing up on her toes, leaning up to kiss him hard on the mouth. For a moment, just an instant, even, James felt as if his body flooded with white hot heat, from his head to his toes. Maybe it was the anger, the tension, the feeling that he suddenly had something to prove. Maybe it was the fact that it took him all of about a second and a half to go from thinking with his upstairs brain to his downstairs one. Maybe it was a combination of the two. Whatever the case, a moment after Grace's lips crashed against his, he growled under his breath and kissed her back, hands gripping tightly to her hips.

They were shoving and tugging at each other, angrier than James could ever remember them being at any point. He knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that he should stop, especially as his t-shirt was tugged off, Grace's fingernails raking down his chest as their lips worked heatedly against one another. It took next to no time for her robe to be discarded too, then James's jeans. Then he was lifting her up, securing her legs around his waist before tumbling onto the couch in a hot tangle of limbs.

.

Even more than before, James felt a crippling weight of exhaustion. The stinging pink lines down his chest, the gently throbbing bruises along his neck, they served as a reminder of part of the reason for that feeling. His bare chest was rising and falling slowly as he stared blankly up at the ceiling from the living room floor. Grace was lying beside him, curled up in the crook of his arm. They had been laying there in silence on the carpet for so long, James wasn't sure he could actually speak. Idly, Grace traced her fingers along his chest, causing him to wince when the pad of her fingertip brushed along a scratch.

"Sorry.." she mumbled, turning her face to brush her lips against his collarbone.

James continued to stay quiet, tired hazel eyes not moving from the ceiling. He couldn't even bring himself to really think, only staring at the bland whiteness as if it would somehow reveal some kind of answers to him.

"James," Reluctantly, he finally glanced down at the blonde as she rested her chin on his chest and looked up at him. "Please say something."

"What'd you want me to say?" he asked, voice low and gravelly.

Grace sighed. "I don't know…"

James's eyes moved back up to the ceiling. "I shouldn't have done that."

"In all technicality, we _should _be on our honeymoon in Hawaii right now, where we would be doing something like that." Grace muttered.

The brunette grimaced, feeling ill. "This- It doesn't change-"

"I figured…" She mumbled sadly, laying her head back down on his chest anyway. "Do you, um-"

James glanced down at the top of her head with a brow kinked in question.

"What exactly- How do you feel.. about Logan, I mean." She asked softly.

His hand stopped in its slow brushing along her arm and he took in a deep breath.

"We just-" James let an almost baffled expression cross his face even though she wasn't looking at him to see it. "We just had sex on your living room floor and you're asking me how I feel about someone _else_?"

"Our." The blonde corrected, her voice sounding sad as she barely curled closer to him. "Our living room floor."

"You know that wasn't the point, Grace…"

She sighed heavily. "Can you humor me, please?"

He really did not want to. In fact, he could think of at least five things off the top of his head that he would rather do than explain to Grace how he felt about Logan. Current circumstances with him and Grace aside, there was also still the fact that there was so much uncertainty between him and his best friend.

"It's complicated." He mumbled.

"As complicated as having sex with the fiancé you left at the altar, mid-fight?" she retorted.

James snorted sarcastically. "Wow. I'm doing a bang-up job lately."

"You still haven't really answered the question." She pointed out gently.

"Why do you care so much?"

She hesitated in answering, seemingly thinking about it. "I don't know that I _care_, in the typical sense. I- I just can't not know, alright? I'm trying to make some kind of sense of all of this, and you've only given me snippets of explanation."

James swallowed, his jaw tightening. "Logan and I- We've always been closer than I was with even Kendall or Carlos, which says something, I'm sure. It was about halfway through senior year when we started.. feeling differently."

"James," she tilted her head to look up at him again. "No offense, but I don't think I want to hear the play by play. I'm talking about _now_."

The brunette frowned and blew out a sigh. "I- I love him, alright?"

Grace stiffened slightly.

"Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Of course not, you jackass." She sneered, her glare slowly softening as she frowned and looked down at the skin of his shoulder. "But I think it's what I needed to."

She slowly sat up, pulling the fleece blanket from the back of the couch that was draped over their bodies up over her chest as she moved off of him. James's eyes scanned over her fair skin, noticing the splotches of purpling skin along her shoulders where his teeth had dug in not long before. He frowned, feeling a sickly turning in his stomach.

"I'm sorry.." he whispered.

Grace sighed tiredly and ran her fingers back through her knotted blonde hair.

"You know what sucks the most?" she asked thoughtfully, not looking back at him.

When he didn't say anything, continuing to just keep his eyes on her back, she decided to answer the question anyway.

"I'm mad, and I'm hurt. I'm not going to lie to you and tell you I'm just fine, because I'm really not even close. But.." she paused, shaking her head slowly. "I really, _really_ want to hate you right now and I just.. don't."

James cringed, letting out a whine that got Grace to turn and look at him finally.

"That's practically the same thing Logan told me."

Grace made a face that he couldn't quite read before she sighed softly and laid her hand against his chest. James swallowed thickly and watched her carefully, his teeth working at the inside of his lip. The blonde didn't say anything, even a moment later as she stood up and wrapped the blanket around herself. She paused on the short trek to the bedroom and turned to look at him with a pained expression just as James sat up stiffly.

"There's really no nice way for me to say this, but I'm not going to apologize, because- Well, because this all hurts, a lot."

James braced himself, holding his breath.

"I sincerely hope that one day someone breaks your heart, too, so you know what we feel like."

The use of the word 'we' made the sting of the words much, much worse.


	12. Chapter 12

_**A/N; Hey hi hello. Once again I'm going to apologize for the bit of an emotional roller coaster ride this chapter turned out to be. I swear things start to get better soon [next chapter soon even -hint hint-]. Things have to get bad before they good. I promise there is a good, bear with me. **__**Just a note, for any of those of you reading this story that also happen to be reading my Kames story, by chance, just a notice that it's kind of on hold currently until I can work up the muse for it again. This story's been coming particularly easy for me as of late, and a Keeping Faith update is almost ready, too. So expect that soon if you're into that, as well.**_

_**Long on the note this time, my bad! Thank you to all of you lovely readers and reviewers as per usual! Love love love to you.**_

_**Enjoy!**_

_**-Kay.**_

* * *

**Chapter 12**-

Grace had told him he could come back the next day while she was at work to grab and pack up some of his stuff from the apartment. When he had showed up again late in the morning the following day, the emptiness of the home somehow made him feel empty, too. Even worse was the tiny black velvet box sitting on the kitchen counter, a post-it note reading 'take it' stuck to the top of it. He didn't know why he had for some reason assumed Grace would keep the ring. Why should she? All it carried now was heartbreaking memories for her.

Her harsh words seemed to echo on a loop in his head as he moved about the familiar apartment, gathering up some of his things. Everything felt very robotic, as if he wasn't in his head for most of it. The next afternoon, he was set to fly back to Minnesota once again, and somehow he found himself absolutely dreading it. How was he supposed to go home, face Logan after what had happened the day before? How was he supposed to _tell _him?

The sick feeling in his stomach was becoming far too constant for his liking. It was still there even after leaving Grace's apartment, having left a few packed boxes and the money to ship them back to Minnesota there. Once back in his hotel room, he laid out on his back on the queen sized bed, staring dazedly up at the ceiling. He could have slept, _should _have slept, really, all things considered, but instead he found himself reaching for his cell phone on the bedside table.

"I swear to God, if you don't answer your phone right now…" he mumbled at the dial tone in his ear.

"Nice to know you're still alive." Kendall answered finally on the third ring.

"Alive, yeah, that's the word." James muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Are you alone right now?"

"Sounds like a phone sex opener." Kendall snickered.

James sighed heavily.

"Okay, okay, yeah, I'm alone. What's up?" The other boy asked, voice a little more serious.

"Are you eating or drinking anything?"

"Why does that- What?"

"I'm trying to make sure you're not about to choke on anything, just answer the damn question."

"No, you dick, I'm not. What gives?"

The brunette took a deep breath and shut his eyes. "I slept with Grace."

There was a moment of silence on the other end before Kendall erupted into a fit of laughter. James opened his eyes and scowled at empty air.

"This isn't fucking funny." He snapped.

Kendall's laughter cut off abruptly. "Wait. You weren't actually being serious, were you?"

James pressed his lips together, letting his silence answer the question for him.

"_YOU WHAT?!_"

James winced and pulled the phone away from his ear for a second before bringing it back again. "Thank you, my eardrum really needed that."

"Literally, I am going to fucking throttle you when you get back. What were you _thinking_?!" Kendall continued to speak loudly, practically yelling into the brunette's ear.

"It just- happened."

"Oh right, I'm sorry. I forget that you just trip and fall and _have sex with people _at random." The blonde hissed.

"Things just escalated, okay. She was hurting and angry, and I got angry, and we just-" James huffed out a breath. "I need your help, alright, that's why I'm calling."

He could hear his friend's voice mumbling something under his breath on the other line, but he couldn't quite make out the words. He safely assumed they weren't anything he really needed to be hearing, since they probably involved making him feel even guiltier. Though, at the point he was at, he wasn't sure anything could actually make him feel guiltier than he already did.

What he and Grace had done was wrong. Point blank. Getting caught up in the moment wasn't an excuse, and even if he was going to use it until he was blue in the face, deep down he understood that it didn't work like that. Whether or not he and Logan had officially established what they were, what their relationship stood as currently, it didn't matter. If it had been a random person, it might have been a little different, not very, but at least a little bit. The fact that it was Grace, the girl who he was supposed to be married to by now, the one that he had essentially abandoned _for _Logan, only to find himself sleeping with her the moment he was away from him, that made things worse. James didn't know how it was possible for things to keep getting worse.

"Help." Kendall snorted. "Seriously, you drop a bomb on me like you fucked your ex fiancé while you were supposed to be sorting things out and coming back to the best friend you're supposedly in love with here, and you want me to help you with something?"

"Isn't that what friends are for?" James mumbled, voice vaguely carrying an air of sarcasm.

"As if I haven't done enough for you already by helping you get away from the wedding you took off from the other day. Have you forgotten about that? Oh wait, probably. Considering you fucked the girl you left at the damn altar."

"_Kendall_," James groaned, frustrated. "Please just- let it go. For now, at least."

"No I-" He listened as his friend sighed heavily on the other line, the image of the blonde's brow furrowed coming to his mind easily from all the past moments where Kendall had become over frustrated with him. "I really can't right now, James. I don't even- I just can't. Call Carlos for whatever it is you apparently need, but leave me out of this one."

Suddenly there was a sad kind of shame mixed in with the overall guilt that didn't seem to be going away. He knew if even Kendall wasn't willing to help him out that he had screwed up to a new degree. It seemed that no matter what he had done in the past, the blonde boy had always been there, always had his back. Almost just like he had declared as so before the disastrous wedding in his makeshift toast. For a moment, James thought about bringing that up, almost as some sort of bargaining chip, but he refrained. He had done enough damage already, and he was well aware of the fact that it was far from finished. The last thing he needed to do was completely and totally soil what friendships he had left. Sighing reluctantly, he nodded slowly to himself.

"Fine. But.. Please don't tell Logan…"

"Oh no. I'm not saying anything to him. That is definitely your job. And I swear to God, James, if you don't tell him…"

The brunette didn't need to hear whatever threat his friend could conjure up for him, he got the point. If he didn't tell Logan, things would only get even worse, on more than one account.

He ended up alone at the airport back in Minnesota. He hadn't bothered calling Carlos after all, because despite the fact that the shorter boy probably would have done his best to help in a heartbeat, James didn't want to drag his friend down to his level. Especially not when that friend was happy go lucky Carlos. Not to mention the fact that James was well aware Kendall and Carlos shared just about everything. He wouldn't have been surprised if the blonde had already informed their friend about James's further stroll down Idiot Lane.

He could have called his mom to meet him at the airport, he supposed, but he wasn't sure he had the ability to look her in the eye currently, so he avoided that. Getting a rental car once again, James drove directly to Logan's apartment, arriving there before it even occurred to him that not only was Logan at work for a little while longer, but he hadn't given any thought at all to how he was going to break the news, explain himself. He was doing so damn much explaining himself lately.

Easily enough, knowing Logan and his choice of placement, he found the extra key to the apartment underneath the flower pot next to the door. Almost on some kind of autopilot, James walked to the fridge in the kitchen. By some miracle, Logan actually had a few beers in his fridge. The brunette popped the cap off the bottle and took a good, long drink from the chilled beverage, hoping to ease even a tiny amount of his tension. It wasn't working out so well for him.

Curiously, since he really hadn't had much thought or opportunity to before, he glanced around his best friend's apartment, taking in the very simple, very tidy, very _Logan _look the entire place had. James chewed at his lip anxiously, twirling the cold glass bottle of beer between his hands as an idle distraction. When that wasn't working for him, he began curiously shuffling through the small stack of mail ads that Logan had left on the counter. When he slid one grocery ad out of the way and found an opened white envelope tucked in between some of the junk mail, his brow furrowed.

Turning the envelope over to the front to see where it was from, James's eyes widened slightly. UCLA. Logan was getting letters from UCLA. For a different reason than the usual in the last week, James felt sick to his stomach. What if it was Logan's turn to leave? What if after all the mistakes he had made, the one good thing he finally knew he wanted was going to slip away from him? For a moment, Grace's still-haunting words echoed in his head. _I hope someone breaks your heart…_

He tried to tell himself that everything was fine. He didn't know what the letter said, didn't know what it meant. But then why would Logan have tried to hide it? James remembered the night of the wedding, Logan reading a letter he had quickly shuffled aside. Had he had it the whole time? Irrationally, as his defenses started to kick into gear more, James began feeling angry, of all things.

It wasn't fair. None of it was fair. He hadn't _meant _to screw up as badly as he had. Why did the world have to keep taking it out on him?

His temper was flaring up more than he should have let it, but he was just so _frustrated_. With himself, with all of the current uncertainty in his life, with the thought of losing Logan still being an actual possibility, even after everything.

James didn't turn as he heard the front door open, his brow remaining in a furrow as his jaw tightened. Logan called a greeting as he dropped his keys onto the small table beside the front door before he was moving toward where James sat at the counter.

"How was your.. flight…" Logan's voice slowed and trailed off as his eyes caught on the envelope in his hands.

As if the quick glance wasn't enough indication that he had already seen it, James held it up, looking sideways at the shorter boy. "You're going to California?"

Logan sighed, inching away from him as he rolled his eyes. "It's an acceptance letter, James, not a one way ticket."

"You didn't even tell me-"

"We haven't done a lot of talking about anything lately, if you hadn't noticed." Logan cut him off, giving him a pointed look.

"And whose fault is that?" James snapped back.

Logan's eyebrows shot up momentarily, giving James a halfway questioning look before he shook his head. He let out a sarcastic laugh and stepped away from him, walking toward the couch. Stopping halfway there, he turned to face him again, this time a reprimanding look on his face as he pointed across the small room at him.

"You do not get to be angry with me. Not after everything."

James resisted the urge to wince, recalling that Logan wasn't even aware of his most recent fuck up just yet. He turned on his stool, looking at the dark haired boy with narrowed eyes, anyway. "You can't keep doing that. You can't keep using that as an excuse and acting like I can't be upset about things, too. It's not fair. How many times do I have to apologize? I'm _sorry_."

"And I'm sure you are sorry, James, I don't doubt it, but that's not the point." Logan shook his head. "What did you honestly think was going to happen? That you were going to leave Grace and you and I were just going to go back to hooking up in a dorm room on nights I needed to be studying and waking up to go buy crappy coffee together the next morning like it was before you left? You weren't just gone a couple of days, James, it wasn't even a couple months. You were gone for two _years_, and you had a whole new life lined up for yourself –one completely without me in any way, I'll add."

"Stop."

Logan shook his head again, squaring his shoulders as if he was giving a speech he had actually worked to prepare. "No. No, I'm not- I might have spent a huge portion of that time you were gone missing you and on some level hoping you would come back, but it wasn't all-consuming. I had to live my life, too. I had goals, I wasn't just going to stop reaching for them because you left."

"You never once even mentioned wanting to go to UCLA before." James argued.

"James, up until a little over a week ago, you and I weren't even _speaking _to each other. How precisely was I supposed to share that information with you?"

"This is something we should have talked about before I went back to talk to Grace. You had the letter then, didn't you? I saw it on the counter that night."

Logan's jaw tightened. "So what?"

"So, I don't know, why didn't you think, hey, maybe I should mention this to him since he kind of just dropped everything he had going for him for me. I should probably let him in on what's going on here." James snapped, sneering.

"That is not a crutch, James! You keep doing this- this 'I gave up everything for you,' and it's not a fair argument."

"Well, it's the truth, I did."

"I never asked you to!" Logan shouted.

James was taken aback by the declaration, opening and closing his mouth a couple times as words seemed to fail him for the moment. Somehow Logan's words hurt twice as much, knowing what had happened back in New York. Logan grimaced and ran a hand down over his face, turning his back toward him.

"Sure, maybe some part of me wanted to be enough to change your mind, but I wasn't actually counting on it, okay?" he muttered harshly. "When I wrote you that letter, and you went on your way to get married, I thought that was it. Even more than the first time you left, I could really _feel _how over it was. So I didn't bother begging you to stay, begging you to change your mind, because I'd already begged you not to go once and you did anyway. I was setting you free, finally letting you go."

James shook his head slowly, unnoticed as Logan kept his back to him still.

"Am I glad that you did change your mind, that you didn't go through with getting married? Yes. Selfishly, I'm beyond glad. But do _not _act like I _made _you leave her. I never once asked you to give up anything for me, that was your choice."

Swallowing around the sudden lump in his throat, James slid off the stool, leaving the letter on the counter as he moved over to Logan. It seemed the nearer he got to his best friend, the sicker he suddenly felt, knowing he couldn't just continue to be mad at him, knowing he had much worse news to still deliver.

Tentatively, almost feeling as if he shouldn't, James ghosted his fingers along the back of Logan's hand. The shorter boy's brown eyes darted down to his hand when he felt the light touch, sucking in a slow breath and continuing to keep his back to James, despite their current closeness.

"Do you have any idea what a fantastic medical program UCLA has? Or how hard it is to get into that school, let alone on a medical scholarship? Well, I did it. By some miracle, I managed that. Maybe it was the hours and hours of hospital service, or the copious amounts of professor recommendation. Either way, I worked tooth and nail for that damn scholarship. You could at least _pretend _to be proud of me."

The tall brunette bit down hard on his lower lip as he just barely began to feel it tremble, eyes starting to sting.

"I am proud of you." He whispered, fingers gently brushing against Logan's.

The reality of the situation was that James had jumped on the first opportunity he could possibly find to channel the anger he was feeling toward himself onto something else. In this unfortunate instance, that happened to be Logan, which he knew wasn't remotely fair. Logan getting a med scholarship to any great school, regardless of how near or far it was, that was phenomenal news, and definitely something James was proud of him for, even with the small amount of underlying pain that lingered. The last thing he wanted to do was take that pride away from him.

"I'm sorry." He said, continuing to whisper.

Slowly, Logan turned to look at him, a soft expression on his face.

"Are you s-" He cut off mid-question, his brow furrowing as his eyes roamed lower, over James's neck for a moment.

James stiffened, teeth snapping together.

"Wow, are these still from the other night?" Logan asked, sounding slightly bewildered as his finger gently prodded at one of the still fading bruises on the side of James's neck.

James winced, both at the pressure on the bruise and at the assumption that the marks obviously had to be from Logan himself. He hadn't even thought of going out of his way to cover them up, it hadn't even occurred to him. His mind was in a dozen different places and evidently none of those places saw it fit to remind him to make an attempt to cover the few scattered hickeys along his neck. When James parting his lips and taking in a shaky breath, hazel eyes retreating to the carpet, was the only answer Logan got to his question, his hand recoiled in an instant. His face contorted in painful realization.

"_Oh_."

"Please, let me explain." James begged, reaching out for the smaller boy, but Logan stepped back from him, holding his hands up in almost defense as he shook his head rapidly.

"N-No. I need-" Any calm he had been maintaining and was still working to keep up was faltering fast, his quickly pooling eyes and wavering voice giving him away almost instantaneously. "I need you to leave. Now."

"Logan-"

"James!" Logan raised his voice, trying to sound firm, demanding, but James could see right through to the root, to the pain. The pain that he was yet again the cause of. "Get out."

The taller boy's mouth hung open for a moment as he felt as if what air was still in his lungs left him. He clenched his teeth together, his own eyes beginning to prick with moisture as he gave a very stiff, very deliberate nod. He didn't want to go, not at all. Under different circumstances, he would have argued, demanded his explanation be heard, not let it be as simple as just throwing him out while emotions were in a flurry. Then again, under different circumstances, there shouldn't have been anything to fight to explain in the first place.

Dazedly, James made his way to the front door, leaving Logan standing still in the spot that he was in as his subtly trembling hand turned the doorknob. He glanced back at his best friend, only for a second, but even just that one brief moment felt like it could very well knock him on his ass. Because the continued hurt and the suffering in Logan's teary, chocolate colored eyes was the worst thing he could have imagined. A moment later, he was shutting the front door behind him with what felt like a very final click. He didn't know if he would ever be welcome back through that door again.

Somehow he kept it together enough to drive, however robotically. It wasn't until he stopped, parking at a curb and shutting off the car, that he seemed to come off autopilot and back to his head, recognizing the distantly familiar neighborhood he had driven to. Why he had let himself get to Logan's mom's house instead of his own mother's he couldn't figure. All things considered, pretty soon Joanna Mitchell wouldn't want anything to do with him either, much like James imagined Logan already didn't. Eyes stinging, he glanced toward the front door to the house, dimly lit by the porch light.

He remembered one Halloween, back in middle school, all four of them –him dressed as the grim reaper, complete with face makeup his mom had put on him, Logan as a mad scientist, Carlos a ninja, and Kendall a zombie hockey player- had been squished together on that front porch, after a long night of trick or treating, peering into each other's candy-filled pillowcases, bargaining with one another over which candies they would trade for which.

Then there was freshman homecoming. James had left early with Logan because the smaller boy wanted to go after his date ditched him the second they got to the dance. The two had sat on the brick porch step in their semi-formal wear, James throwing out lame joke after lame joke until the embarrassment and sadness had seemingly vanished from his best friend's face.

Maybe that was what had led him there, memories. There were many places around the small town they had grown up in that he could have gone, countless other memories in other locations, but at this house, there was more comfort from it. Logan, wherever he was, had always been like a second home to James, even growing up. As stupid a notion it was to go seeking comfort for potentially losing Logan in a place that did nothing but remind him of him, James thought that maybe he understood his subconscious reasoning.

Slowly, the brunette got out of his car and made his way up to the front porch. He hesitated before knocking, fist raised and breath caught in his throat, but his hand fell back down to his side. It wasn't exponentially late, it just nearing ten, so he wasn't concerned with the possibility of waking Joanna up, he just didn't really know what he was _doing_.

What was he supposed to say to her? Was he supposed to explain how, once again, he had hurt her son and didn't know how to fix it, didn't know how to fix anything anymore? Joanna didn't even know the details of the relationship between him and Logan, he assumed. How was he supposed to let her know what was wrong when she didn't know the full story? He figured it wasn't his place to reveal those details if Logan hadn't already, considering she was his mom, not James's.

In defeat, James slumped onto the porch step, letting his dully aching head fall into his hands. He wished there was a rewind option for his life. Going back a few days, a few weeks, going back to that night two and a half years before, when this horrible downward spiral seemed to begin, he would have done things so differently. Everything could have been changed. For all he knew, if he hadn't been so scared and stupid back then, it could have been him and Logan getting married. The thought alone made his chest tighten.

What if they never got back to a semblance of alright? They were barely working toward it before he had gone back to New York and somehow managed to mess things up even further. What if by now it was just too late to make it right? There were too many wrongs, too many mistakes, and not enough proper fixes? How was he supposed to live with that? It was hard enough trying to stomach the _idea _of losing Logan for good, but the reality? The reality would kill him, for sure.

"Jamie?"

James flinched, quickly uncovering his face and jerking in the direction of the front door he hadn't even heard open. Joanna looked down at him, concern written all over her face.

"Honey, what are you-"

"I'm sorry." James blurted out quickly, voice shaky.

"James, sweetie, what's the matter? Why are you out here?" she murmured, moving to sit down beside him, pulling her dark gray sweater tighter around herself.

For some reason his eyes followed the woman, unable to move away even as his vision began to get blurry with tears. "I- I didn't- I messed up. I k-keep messing up and I just came here and I don't really know why, and I'm sorry. God, I'm so, so sorry."

He was burrowing his face in his hands again as whatever resistance he had somehow been managing to keep up finally crumbled and he cried. He cried for leaving, both recently and two years before. He cried for hurting Logan and for hurting Grace, for using them and for breaking both of their hearts when he really had loved the both of them. He cried because he was lost, didn't know what he had, what he was doing, where he was going. He just cried, for the first time in a long time really _cried_, as if he had been holding so much back there wasn't anything he could do anymore but let that all out in the form of tears. He couldn't remember the last time he had cried like this, so much. Probably when he was a kid.

Furthering the helpless child feeling, Joanna wrapped her arms around him, a hand stroking the back of his head as he sobbed into her shoulder. She was murmuring soft, comforting words to him, and a part of him really wished she wasn't. She shouldn't have been the person trying to make him feel better and telling him everything was going to be okay. There was a larger part of him, however, the currently more active and emotional part of him, that needed it, craved for someone to finally tell him things would be alright when it seemed that every other possible sign was telling him the opposite.

Joanna coaxed him inside, and while he knew in the back of his mind that it wasn't the best idea, he was tired. He was just so damn tired and it felt like everything hurt all at once, he didn't have it in him to refuse or argue. She made him drink some water after plopping down on the couch, but she didn't do any questioning. He wondered if she just assumed he was so upset about what had happened with the wedding, or about what he had talked to her about beforehand when he had visited. He didn't know what to think about his best friend's mother –the best friend he had just broken the heart of for the umpteenth time- comforting him, taking him in.

Running her fingers back through his tousled brown hair as she stood in front of where he sat on the couch, Joanna sighed.

"You look like death, pumpkin." She pointed out quietly.

James didn't say anything.

"When's the last time you got some sleep?"

He hesitated, looking shamefully down at the carpet, then shrugged. He figured the last good amount of sleep he had gotten was the night he had stayed at Logan's before going back to the city. Since then, he had been lucky to settle his nerves and his mind long enough to manage maybe a handful of hours here and there in the past two days.

"You need some rest, boy. You can't expect to take care of whatever else is going on if you're not taking care of yourself first." She reprimanded.

Telling her that he wasn't sure it mattered whether or not he took care of himself anymore seemed like a bad thing to do, so instead he simply gave a nod, sniffling and sipping at his water.

Joanna sighed tiredly, a seemingly melancholy expression crossing her face for just a quick second. "Get some sleep, Jamie. You need it. You can go home in the morning."

James swallowed around the lump in his throat, voice coming out a shaky croak when he finally spoke. "I'm sorry."

"Mister Diamond, I'm gonna need you to stop with that word." She huffed.

She was the only person thus far that had told him that, that he didn't need to be apologizing for anything. Somehow it made him feel worse –how that was even possible anymore, he had no idea. Instead of saying so, however, he barely gave a nod. After kicking his shoes off, he curled up on his side on the couch, chewing at his lip anxiously. The dark haired woman mumbled something under her breath that James didn't quite catch before she turned off the living room and kitchen lights then retreated back up the stairs to her bedroom.

His hazel eyes stared straight ahead into the darkness for a few moments before they began to tiredly droop shut. It still felt like everything hurt. His head was pounding, his stomach twisting, his chest felt like a boulder was permanently resting on it, and his eyes felt raw and bruised. He wondered if this was what Logan and Grace felt like at any point, if having a broken heart caused so much more pain than just what was seen on the surface.

Then, fleetingly, just before he finally started to drift into unconsciousness, he wondered if it was possible to break his own heart, because somehow it felt like he had.


	13. Chapter 13

_**A/N; One of these days maybe I'll have a better system for my updates here. Anyway, hello! Sorry it's been a minute again, and that -once again (is anyone even shocked anymore)- this story got updated before anything else. The muse is strong with this one. This is a longer chapter, and when you get to the end of it it seems very 'the end'-ish. It's not the end, I promise there's a lessening of angst and a rise in happy to come, bear with me through the rest of it.**_

_**As always, thanks so so much for patience -first and foremost, at this point- and all follows, favorites, and reviews. You guys are all the best!**_

_**-Kay.**_

* * *

**Chapter 13**-

"What is he _doing _here?"

The harsh voice wasn't exactly the wakeup call James was looking for. Evidently the crying he had done the night before exhausted him enough to allow him a bit of solid sleep finally. However, he hadn't anticipated waking up to the angry sound of Logan's voice. He and Joanna were in the kitchen, and despite the fact that Logan's raised voice was already slightly muffled by the distance, Joanna shushed him anyway.

"Stop it. He was a mess last night, he needed to be resting, not driving." Joanna scolded.

"He shouldn't be here." Logan muttered, the exasperation evident in his tone of voice.

He sounded tired, James thought from where he still laid on his side on the couch. Vaguely, he wondered if his best friend had gotten any sleep.

"Logan Mitchell, what has gotten into you? He's your best friend."

"No, he _was _my best friend. I don't know who he is anymore now."

James thought he might actually vomit. He slowly took a deep breath, holding it as he stiffly and as quietly as he could manage sat up on the couch. His teeth dug deeply into his lower lip as his hazel eyes flicked urgently in the direction of the kitchen to make sure no one was coming. He tugged his shoes back onto his feet and paused to let out the breath he had been holding, listening.

"I don't know what's happened between the two of you, and I haven't asked a lot of questions because I know that when you want me to know something, you tell me, but enough is enough, Logan. You can't come here and be angry at me over his being here if I don't know what's going on."

Yeah, James _really _did not want to sit by for this conversation. He slid his phone and keys off the coffee table and bit his lip once again as he stood up to go to the door.

"You wouldn't get it, Mom. I just- It doesn't even matter what happened between us because it's done. I'm done." Logan sighed.

The brunet winced where he stood. He felt strangely hungover. The pounding headache, the lurching stomach, the feeling disoriented and like he couldn't quite motivate himself to move or to focus on anything other than how bad he felt. He needed to move _faster_. He needed to get to the front door, outside, get some clearer air in his lungs, not this suffocating finality that two simple words were smothering him with.

"I know you don't mean that, sweetheart. Whatever it is, it'll be alright, you and James are always alright." Joanna comforted.

"I don't-" Logan paused to let out a heavy, tired breath. "I don't think so this time, Mom."

James's fingers ghosted against the cool, gold metal of the doorknob, his breath catching in his throat, chest tightening. He fumbled for grip and turned the knob, trying to slip out the barely open door as quickly and quietly as he could manage before hearing any more of what was said. He resisted the urge to slam the front door and run, reminding himself that he needed to stay quiet. Once the door was deftly clicked shut, James unsteadily jogged the short distance to where the white rental car was parked at the curb. The fob device slipped through his shaky fingers as he almost dropped the keys before he finally managed to get the doors unlocked. James slumped heavily into the driver's seat, huffing out a breath as he yanked his door shut.

_Breathe, Diamond._

Anxiously, almost twitchily, he shook out his hands then gripped onto the steering wheel, staring out the windshield as he actively counted out a few deep breaths as he took them. He didn't want to cry again. Hadn't he done enough of that already? Everything felt so overwhelming. He had been awake for less than a half hour and somehow in that miniscule amount of time he had managed to end up back in the lost, over emotional state just as bad as the night before when he had unthinkingly showed up at the Mitchell household in the first place.

The brunet dropped his forehead down to lean against the steering wheel, whining through his teeth. _Not this time. I'm done._ The words felt like punches to the face. Logan had _never _just been done, not with him. There was always a resolution to the fight, they always worked it out and they got stronger because of it, together. James had been counting on that. He had been counting on his best friend doing what he always had, sticking by him even after a fight. But this wasn't their normal fight.

This wasn't just sucking at communicating with each other, this wasn't a childish disagreement they could find some kind of compromise on and move on from easily enough. Leaving how he had two years before, pretending Logan wasn't anyone important with Grace, those were things that it took some kind of miracle to be forgiven for, and yet Logan had been willing. James knew that at this point he was getting what he deserved, but god, it _hurt_.

He jolted upright with a quick gasp as he heard the passenger side door open, hazel eyes immediately beginning to sting as they landed on the darker haired male who slumped into the seat. Logan's jaw was tight, his brown eyes staying focused out the windshield instead of looking at James.

"Typically the car has to be on in order to achieve your running away." The dark haired boy mumbled.

From where he had been in the living room, James had heard a more muffled version of Logan's voice. It had mostly covered up how gruff and exhausted he sounded. James recognized the distinct strain in his voice, it was how he could recall his best friend sounding when he was sick, when he had had a sore throat for a few days. Looking at even the profile of Logan's face, the creeping suspicion that he, too, had spent a fair amount of time crying was confirmed in the still fading pinkness of his subtly swollen and puffy looking brown eyes. James bit his lip, swallowing around the lump in his throat and continuing to stay quiet.

"Of all the places you could go." Logan let out a dry, sarcastic laugh, shaking his head as his focus stayed forward. "You could have gone to Kendall's or Carlos's or, hey, here's an idea, back to your house, but no. Instead you come running to _my mother_?"

"I wasn't thinking…" James spoke softly.

Logan snorted with a roll of his eyes. "You? Not thinking? Wow, that never happens."

The bitter sarcasm was just how Logan let his anger out, it always had been, and James knew that. However, that didn't stop the words from stinging as they lashed out at him.

"I'm sorry." James whispered. "Logan, I-"

"You're sorry, I got it, James. I got it the first five times, actually. The dozen or so after that just sort of turned into a broken record." The shorter boy snapped.

"I don't-" James's voice cracked and as he paused to force himself to take a deep breath, Logan's tense gaze fell on him. "I don't know what else I can say right now."

Logan was quiet a moment, sore, overtired eyes roaming over the brunet's face with a bland expression.

"You wanna know something funny?" he started out. "I wanted to go with you, back to New York, if only for the sake of moral support. There was a little bit of apprehension on letting you go again, sure, but I finally talked myself out of needing to go with you, decided it was your problem to face on your own and that I could trust you to go and handle things then come back to me here."

"You should have come with me…" James said softly, stupidly.

He knew the point Logan was trying to make before he even continued.

"Just like I should have gotten out of that cab last year on your birthday, right?" His voice was turning cold, condescending. "I'm not supposed to be out of sight, out of mind, James. You can't just tell me you love me and then-"

As Logan cut off, voice cracking as he reluctantly started to get choked up, James's chest felt like it was aching. This was why there was no easy, normal fix, because this wasn't anything like their "normal" fights in the past. This was more hurt than James had seen Logan deal with in a long time, and he was the cause of it. The bitterness, the sarcasm, the harshness, while all vaguely familiar were different this time, too, because Logan had never not sought out a solution before, he had never really taken his anger out on James to the degree that he started to now. It only continued to remind the brunet just how horribly he had screwed up.

"I'm not a _toy_, okay? You can't just pick me up again for old time's sake when you're at home again then go run and play with your shiny new thing as soon as you're bored."

"I didn't- Of course you're not a toy, Logan. What happened with- It didn't mean anything."

"You're so full of shit."

James's teeth snapped together at the dryly laughed comment.

"You were supposed to marry her. Whether you actually went through with it or not, that feeling doesn't just go away, you acted on that. You acted on your lingering feelings for her, so don't tell me that it didn't mean anything, because that's crap, James, and you know it."

Overwhelmingly, he felt like crying again. He didn't know how he even had any tears left after the night before, but somehow there was moisture pooling in his hazel eyes as he turned his gaze to look down at his hands, loosely holding onto the bottom of the steering wheel.

"I still came back for you."

"_For _me, or to explain yourself to me for the hundredth time?"

James winced and swallowed thickly.

"Please, I just-" He felt like he couldn't find the words, couldn't sort through the flurry of emotions circulating like an angry hurricane in his head. "I need-"

He struggled to form a coherent sentence, his fingers clenching and unclenching anxiously around the steering wheel as he tried to collect himself. Logan was staying silent, unmoving, and James was painfully aware of those deep brown eyes still looking at him. He needed to get a grip, no more breaking down, no more moping and not owning up to his wrongs, no more just wishing things would get better. Not with Logan. Logan deserved more than that, better than that. Twenty two was long passed being a child, he needed to start acting like it. Sometimes being an adult meant sacrifice, no matter how painful. James's brow twitched into a furrow and he swallowed as he leaned back more against his seat.

"You have to take that scholarship and go out to California." He blurted out.

Logan's quick intake of breath made him stiffen, clenching his teeth together as he actively worked to keep his eyes focused downward instead of flicking toward his best friend.

"Excuse me?" he replied lowly.

James frowned, nodding once. "Y-Yeah. You worked so hard for that scholarship, and if anyone deserves to get out of here and make something of themselves, it's you."

It hurt, telling him to go. It felt wrong somehow, even, especially given that their being apart from each other seemed to be the biggest root of all of their problems. However, James knew that it had to be the right thing to do. Holding Logan back wouldn't solve anything, and he knew after everything he had already screwed up that he really would never forgive himself if Logan gave up on this opportunity for him.

"What makes you think your say has anything to do with my decision on the matter?" Logan asked.

Despite the quiet attempt at sternness, James caught the barely there waver in Logan's voice. He hadn't been anticipating James saying that at all. If he were honest with himself, James hadn't anticipated saying it, either.

"Even better, because if it has nothing to do with me, that means you'll go. You're too smart not to." The brunet muttered.

"What are you _doing_?" James's eyes finally flicked upward at the subtle whine in Logan's voice. "Can't you just be clear with me? Just once?"

James breathed in deeply, chewing at his lip. "I want you to take the scholarship."

"Why?"

"Why not?"

"This isn't-" Logan sputtered momentarily, obvious frustration becoming apparent on his features. "Are you looking for some way to clear your guilty conscience, is that what this is? Send me off to school because you know I should go, because you think telling me you want me to follow my dream will somehow soften the blow from everything else?"

"Logan, I'm telling you to go because whether I fucked up as bad as I have or not, it would be stupid for you not to take this opportunity, and you know it, so stop." James was mildly surprised with the level of seriousness his voice took on.

The shorter boy's jaw tightened. "Well then. I guess it'll make you happy to know that I've already contacted the school and told them I'll most likely be attending in the fall."

It definitely didn't make him happy, not in the bitterly angry way that Logan was insinuating, but James nodded slowly anyway.

"I'm making a trip out there next week to look for an apartment."

Again, James nodded, his lips pressed together.

"What are you-" Logan cut himself off and sighed heavily. "Are you going to go back?"

Even though it wasn't voiced, James could hear the hidden implication of what 'going back' meant to Logan. He was still stuck on the thing with Grace. All things considered, James couldn't really blame him. Sighing, he tilted his head back against the seat's head rest, hazel eyes staring blankly up at the gray roof of the car.

"There's nothing for me there anymore." He mumbled.

"So, what? You're gonna stay here in Minnesota?"

"Why not?"

"What is there for you here?"

James shrugged. "Carlos and Kendall are still here for now, so is my mom."

"And that- that's just.. it?" Logan asked, his voice suddenly sounding sad.

The brunet pursed his lips in thought, avoiding turning his face to look at his best friend.

"I- I have to do at least one thing right by you, Logan. I've screwed up so much lately, hurt you, hurt Grace, and I can't blame that on anyone else. I was an idiot and I've made a huge mess of things, but all I can do now is try to fix it, or at the very least be better from here on out. If that means I have to do it on my own and let go of something important to me, then.. then that's how it is. I love you too much to keep allowing myself to be the person hurting you."

"Do you?"

James finally turned his head and looked at the shorter boy with a sad, questioning expression.

"Do you really love me?" Logan asked softly.

"More than anything." James murmured.

Logan's brow furrowed and he pressed his lips together as he nodded slowly, stiffly. He didn't say anything, not even after a moment as he reached for the door handle to get out of the car. James thought maybe he should say something, reach out for his hand, _anything_. But he didn't. Instead, he watched as his best friend got out of the car and made his way back to the front door of his mother's house, not even sparing another glance back. For the first time, James felt actually sure of something, and that something was that despite not saying the actual word, he and Logan had just said goodbye.

.

Four days felt an awful lot like a year, James thought. Over the few days prior, he had gotten some of the boxes Grace had shipped back to Minnesota for him, but he didn't feel like mussing through them. Not to mention, he was pretty sure if he started unpacking and essentially moving back in at his mom's, the woman might combust. She was all for offering any kind of help and letting him stay there for a bit, but the reality was that her house had really become _her _house since he had left. His mother adapted well to the whole empty nest thing.

He had told her that morning when she had come up to check on him in his half asleep state before she went to work that he would get out and do a little job and apartment hunting. Despite that, however, he was still lying on his side in bed, staring at the red digital clock numbers that told him it was noon already. He probably should have been tired of staying in the house, of moping around. After four days of doing next to nothing other than dealing with some shipping arrangements and spending just a couple of hours glancing at job and apartment ads, doing something most likely would have been the healthy option. The motivation wasn't there, though. There wasn't drive and determination to do anything.

He just felt so damn _tired _all the time. Not even always tired enough to get some sleep, just tired enough to keep him from wanting to do anything but sit or lie around in the quiet, by himself. James had heard stories about depression, knew people who had been depressed, but it had always been something that kind of baffled him in a way, that anyone could feel _that _bad.

Now he understood.

The brunet squeezed his eyes closed, bringing a pillow up over his subtly throbbing head. He still felt vaguely hungover. Days had gone by and that hadn't gone away. The only thing that had really gone away, or at least the thing that James was most prominently aware of being gone, was Logan. Logan who hadn't called, hadn't texted, hadn't turned up for any reason. Logan who had to be getting ready to go out to California to look into a new home for himself there. Logan who, he supposed, was probably doing exponentially better now without him, even if it was just a few days.

Abruptly pulling him from his reverie, James felt the covers of the guest room's bed yanked off of his body. Confused, he quickly pulled the pillow off his head and looked questioningly toward who he had originally assumed had to be his mother having come home from work for some reason. It wasn't.

"Get out of bed, asshole." Kendall muttered, dropping the crumpled comforter onto the floor at the foot of the bed.

James scowled at him. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Honestly? A favor for your mom. But it's also called being your friend, so take your pick." The blond replied.

"Great." James mumbled with a roll of his eyes, rolling onto his stomach. "Go away."

"I _will _pour cold water on you, Diamond." Kendall threatened.

James slid the pillow over his head again.

He wasn't in the mood for any kind of friend intervention, especially not one from Kendall. They hadn't even spoken to each other since James had called him from New York. He hadn't bothered trying to get a hold of the angry blond even after things with Logan. He figured Kendall would find some way to make him feel worse. Sure, it usually ended up leading to him feeling better down the line, like some kind of reverse psychology or something, but the shitty feeling still sucked initially. Right now, the last thing he really needed or wanted was to feel even worse than he already did.

The sharp sting of icy water slapped against his bare back, startling him enough to leap out of bed to his feet. The water trickled down his back, soaking into the waistband of his sweat pants as he glowered at a smug looking Kendall.

"You have exactly three seconds to run. _Three_." James got out through his teeth.

The blond rolled his green eyes and set the now empty cup he was holding on the nightstand. "Come at me, dude. At least you'd be showing signs of life finally."

James narrowed his eyes, glare icy before he frowned and squirmed where he stood, trying to get rid of the wet chill of the water, but failing.

"That was fucking _cold_, you jackass." He complained.

"Hey, I warned you." Kendall shrugged nonchalantly. "Now get dressed, we've got somewhere to be."

"No we don't." James mumbled.

"Hey, wanna hear a great idea?" The blond quirked a brow and moved over to grab hold of both of James's shoulders. "You stop acting like a spoiled five year old who just got his Rescue Hero taken away and you get your ass dressed and ready to go. Good? Good."

"You're a dick."

Kendall grinned, wrinkling his nose up for effect as he gently slapped a hand to the tall brunet's cheek. "I know, I'm a horrible tyrant. Now get dressed."

As Kendall turned to leave him alone in the room to get dressed, James picked up the pillow off the bed and chucked it toward his friend in frustration, but it only hit the back of the door as the blond hurriedly shut it behind him. Huffing out a sigh and suppressing an irritated groan, the brunet decided that there was no getting out of whatever it was his other best friend evidently had planned for them, so he reluctantly did as he was told.

After tugging on a pair of jeans and a maroon colored tank top, James yanked the bedroom door open with a frown. Kendall was oblivious to the displeased look, busy looking down at his phone and tapping out a text message. When he finally glanced up from the screen, James folded his arms across his chest and raised his eyebrows expectantly.

"Alright, princess, let's go." The blond waved him along.

"Are you _trying _to get me to punch you?" James retorted, following him down the stairs.

Kendall snorted, but was otherwise unfazed by the empty threatening. He had long since gotten used to James's tough bravado and false threats, it had been there all their lives. James didn't know where they were going, and despite his prodding curiosity, he was trying to keep up the stubborn façade, and therefore didn't ask any questions, even as they slid into Kendall's beat up old Jeep and headed on their way.

They weren't driving for long, just a few blocks over. James recognized the tiny strip mall across the street from the park even though it felt like he hadn't been there in ages. In reality, he knew it had been at least two years, so that was a pretty long time. Kendall was out of the car first, going to slap a hand with Carlos, who was already there waiting for them, and leaving James in the passenger seat, eyeing the vaguely familiar small shop space in front of him. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, probably thanks to the fact that the windows were covered up with tarp and the previous business's sign was painted over. A 'for rent' sign was posted up on the glass door that Carlos for some reason had a key to and was unlocking. A confused expression crossed James's face as he finally, slowly, started to get out of the Jeep and join his friends.

"Dude, what are we doing?" he questioned.

Carlos and Kendall exchanged a look, causing James to blow out a heavy sigh as he was reminded too much of the day of his and Grace's wedding.

"Forget it. Don't tell me. Why would you?" he mumbled dejectedly.

Kendall rolled his eyes. "I swear to god, James, I will beat you."

Carlos frowned, nudging the blond before half turning to give James a reassuring smile. "It's a surprise, I promise you'll like it. C'mon."

The shortest of the three boys pushed the glass door open as the other two sneered at each other for a moment before Kendall was ushering James inside first. Sighing, the brunet once again followed instruction and moved inside the small building, glancing curiously around the empty space as he stepped in.

The place vaguely smelt like a locker room, the combination of rubber, grass, and sweat covered up by excessive amounts of air freshener barely lingering in the air immediately filling his senses. There was a door on the back wall, behind where he could see a counter had to have stood before. He assumed that had to be the stock room. In the corner, a few feet from the stock room's door was another doorway, an open one with a curtain rod hanging in it, but no curtain on the rod. A dressing room, he thought. It took him a moment after his friends followed him in, seemingly watching him carefully and waiting for memory to catch up with him, before it hit him.

"This used to be Rocky's didn't it?" he asked, a tinge of bewilderment in his voice.

Rocky's Sporting Goods was the small town's resident sports shop for as long as he could remember. There was probably like a smaller version of Big 5 or something around now, his mom had mentioned about a year back or so that they had kind of gotten some more upscale stores around their homey little town, but he had never imagined the small, family joint would get shut down. He could remember countless times he and the guys had swung by after a hockey game at the public rink at the park across the street, just to hang out. Or all of the times when they needed new pads or skates or pucks, or cleats or bats or anything else when they ventured away from their usual roller hockey in the off season. It was one of the handful of places that James had always sort of subconsciously just associated with home.

"Ding, ding, ding!" Kendall cheered, slight sarcasm in his tone.

Again, Carlos jabbed him with his elbow, then turned his focus back to James. "Old Man Spencer had to shut the place down because he didn't have anyone to take over at the time. None of his girls really wanted to be running the smelly old sports store, you know?"

"So what are we doing here, then?" James asked, kinking a brow.

"We're taking it over." Kendall declared. When James looked at him confusedly, he chuckled. "Why do you think we have a key, genius? They don't just give those out to property that's for rent."

"You guys are renting it?"

"No," Carlos said, a wide smile beginning to grace his features. "_We _are renting it." He pointed in a triangle between the three of them. "All three of us."

James was still extremely confused. Kendall noticed and huffed out a sigh as he rolled his eyes.

"Look, it's like this. We're all kind of here still, and this place is kind of a part of where we grew up. We've all got the sports knowledge, you've got your fancy business degree and whatnot, I've got organization skills, Carlos has the people skills down. We're literally the perfect operating business between the three of us." The blond explained.

"And it'll be good, because it'll be jobs for all of us, so it'll keep us motivated and on our feet." Carlos added.

Even though he was purposely using the reference toward all of them as a group, James could almost hear the hidden implication beneath it. They were trying to get _him _motivated and doing something. It had only been a few days, was it really so bad of him to be upset? He figured that it was really just his friends looking out for him, trying to help him, but he couldn't help but feel the tiniest bit defensive. His and Logan's falling out wasn't something that he could just skip right over, brush under a rug and distract himself from. Of all people, Carlos and Kendall had to know that, because they were there through everything, too. James chewed at his lip thoughtfully, his eyes narrowing slightly as he glanced between his two friends. His eyes finally halted on Kendall and he pointed at the blond with a questioning expression on his face.

"You. Why are you suddenly helping me? I thought you were mad at me after… you know." He muttered.

Kendall shrugged. "I was."

James didn't miss the way that Carlos shifted on his feet and gave Kendall a soft, halfway expectant look. Glancing back toward the blond, the tallest boy noticed immediately the change in expression, the way Kendall's arms had folded across his chest and he was looking down at the dusty floor as he rocked on the balls of his feet, seemingly lost in thought as his teeth worked at his lower lip for a moment. Then he sighed and was looking up at James with an expression the brunet didn't quite recognize.

"I didn't know how to help you, and I was mad because- because you reminded me of me, alright?" he said finally.

For what felt like the hundredth time, James let a confused expression come to his face as he shook his head slightly. "What are you even talking about?"

"I'm.. gonna go call the cleaning people real quick, I'll be right back." Carlos interjected quietly.

He gave Kendall a gentle, reassuring smile, one that Kendall tried to return, only half successful. It admittedly made James nervous, his two friends being so secretive. Especially when Kendall suddenly had a sort of sad expression on his face. Whatever it was he was about to tell him, Carlos either knew already, hence his reassurance, or it was something that Kendall hadn't told him, hadn't wanted to tell him and Carlos was aware of that. If it was the latter, the subject made James even more nervous. There was next to nothing that Kendall didn't tell Carlos.

"He knows this is something I can't tell him. I told him I didn't want to ruin his image of me, and he just accepted that. Gotta love Carlos, right?" He breathed out a slightly nervous sounding laugh, further making James's anxiety rise.

"What's going on, Kendall?" James asked, keeping his voice quiet.

"It's not.. it's not really what's going on, it's what _went _on. And before I get into this, let me just point out that I didn't do anything quite as stupid as you did, but still, stupid all the same." Kendall mumbled.

James tried to ignore the jab at him, instead eyeing his friend expectantly. The blond let out a sigh, raking his fingers back through his light hair.

"A little while back, um.. Jo and Luke were having some problems. He was fighting her a lot on her want to stay here, accusing her of not really wanting to be with him and their getting married being stupid if she wasn't going to really be there with him like a wife, it was bad and- Well, Jo called me to be her kind of comfort, I guess."

"Oh my god, did you sleep with Jo?"

"Did you miss the part where I said I _didn't _do anything as stupid as you?"

The brunet frowned, teeth snapping together, but he stayed quiet as he waited for the story to continue.

Kendall sighed once again. "She was really drunk, I mean like, post-junior homecoming where we almost went at it in the back of my jeep because she couldn't keep her hands off me drunk."

"Ewh." James wrinkled his nose up.

The other boy ignored it and continued on with his story. "She was upset, and I showed up and she just kept asking me what she had done wrong, asking me if I thought she had made a mistake marrying Luke, all this stuff. She was a mess, and I didn't like seeing her like that, and- I mean, I missed her, you know? I really did. Still do, but that's not the point. At the time, I just wanted to get her to calm down, I wanted to be the one that helped her feel better. So.. So, we kissed. And we were kissing for a really long time, and she'd taken my shirt off and-"

"Please skip the pornographic details, Knight."

Kendall shot him a glare. "There are no _pornographic details_. As soon as that happened I kind of.. I dunno. By some miracle, snapped back to reality, I guess. I told her we couldn't do it, that she was married and it was wrong and- She realized right away that we'd already gone too far, and I felt fucking awful, because I knew that I still wanted to go farther, just like she had, but I just couldn't. I couldn't take advantage of her in that state, and I couldn't fuck up her marriage more than what we had already done could have."

James watched as his friend's eyes retreated to the floor once again, green eyes narrowing slightly as Kendall frowned to himself.

"Luke was back a few weeks later, and Jo and I had agreed to not mention anything to him. It wasn't like we had slept together or anything, it was just- It wasn't something I thought needed to be mentioned. Then he had to go back to base again, and everything seemed normal for a while and then Jo came to me one day telling me that she was pregnant, and somehow I felt so much fucking worse. Because if Luke knew that Jo and I had kissed and.. and almost done what we were going to, who even knows what would have happened to that relationship, or what that baby's life could have ended up being like. And I just feel really, really guilty, because I should have known better. Shouldn't have let my feelings get the better of me with Jo, shouldn't have kissed her, shouldn't have kept it a secret. Because now, if Luke were to ever find out it's even worse because we friggin' kept it from him for so long, and I just-"

As Kendall huffed and shifted uncomfortably on his feet, James frowned, swallowing thickly as he moved to touch a hand to the blond's shoulder.

"Hey… It's okay, Kendall." He murmured.

"No it isn't." Kendall mumbled, shaking his head before finally looking up to meet James's eyes again. "You realize, if I hadn't stopped her, if I'd done what I actually wanted to that night, that baby could very well be mine."

"But it isn't, Kendall, and Luke and Jo are fine, alright. You haven't screwed anything up. You made a mistake once, a while back, but that doesn't mean you have to keep beating yourself up over it now."

"I didn't-" The blond took a deep breath and let it out slowly, shaking his head. "I didn't really know what to say to you when you called me from New York and told me about you and Grace. I just remember immediately thinking about me and Jo, and about how much what you had done was going to hurt Logan, and then that made me think about how much even just the little Jo and I had done could hurt Luke if he knew, and I just kind of panicked."

The taller boy tried to ignore the pang that hit him in his chest at the mention of a particular name, a particular comparison, but the pained expression he tried to quickly cover up must have still been noticeable on his face, because Kendall frowned slightly as he looked at him, his voice even softer as he spoke up again.

"What're you gonna do, James?"

James cringed faintly, hand falling from Kendall's shoulder at the question. He knew exactly what the implication was. He was asking about Logan. The brunet's teeth dug painfully into his lower lip, avoiding answering the question, but Kendall evidently wasn't having that. He stood up straighter, an almost pleading look crossing his face suddenly.

"I saw him the day before yesterday, you know," he started, and James had to resist the urge to wince yet again. "He's just- He's doing exactly what you did when you first moved to New York. Acting like nothing happened, like you're not even here…" He paused and bit down on his lip.

"Do you ever think maybe it's better that way? Maybe I can't hurt him if I don't exist."

"You're an idiot." Kendall sighed, shaking his head slowly. "This whole problem started with you leaving him, and you think leaving him again is the solution?"

It wasn't as if James hadn't already had the same kind of thought run through his mind on more than one occasion, but somehow coming from someone else, and the accusatory way that Kendall was making the suggestion made him feel suddenly defensive. His shoulders tensed slightly and he grit his teeth.

"What do you expect me to do, Kendall? Saying sorry doesn't exactly make up for anything anymore." He snapped.

"Maybe instead of moping around over the mistakes you've made, you actually try to make things right by, I don't know, _not _just telling him to _leave_." Kendall snapped back.

"Um-"

Both boys turned sharply at the sound of Carlos's meek voice coming from the door again. James's face softened as he took in the sheepish expression on the smallest boys face. Somehow Carlos, even at his most nervous, even when he wasn't actively trying, managed to be the one to bring a calm once again. It probably had a lot to do with him being the youngest, the most childlike even in their adulthood. Kendall sighed, and as James spared a sideways glance at the blond, he noticed the barely there smile that he was giving their other friend.

"Sorry, Carlitos, I know I promised I wouldn't pick any fights today." He said.

James snorted quietly, rolling his eyes. As Carlos approached them both, he punched the tall boy gently in the shoulder for his silent sass, making a sheepish expression cross James's face as if he had just been reprimanded.

"I just want us all to be okay again, you know?" Carlos sighed, and despite the tired sound of it, he managed to keep a faint smile on his face. "All of us. Me, both of you, and Logan. We used to be inseparable and- and it kinda sucks that things are always really tense now. I just think we all need a fresh start."

"Can we do that?" James asked.

Carlos looked back and forth between the both of them hopefully as the two taller boys exchanged a look. Kendall caved first, sighing and running a hand down over his face before nodding.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry." He was saying it to Carlos at first before he turned his gaze on James as well. "I'm sorry. I don't- I don't want to fight with you. Carlos is right, I just want things to be okay again."

James didn't want to be the one to tell them that he wasn't sure they could be. He honestly didn't know how to go about dealing with the situation with Logan, if he even could anymore. In all actuality, he knew the treatment he was getting was well deserved. He knew that after everything, Logan didn't owe him anything, not one thing. That was what made it harder, he thought, that was what made it more difficult to figure out some way to go about handling the situation, because he wasn't even sure there was 'situation' left to handle.

Instead of voicing any of his uncertainty, however, he nodded and took in a deep breath. Almost on some kind of instinct, he held his hand out face down in front of him, glancing at the both of his best friends in turn when they looked at him questioningly.

"Fresh starts on three?" he crooked a faint grin.

Kendall was surprisingly first to slap his hand down on top of James's, letting out a chuckle. Carlos quickly followed, beaming excitedly as his hand finished off the small pile. As they had done so many times in the past at various sporting games, they shouted and tossed their huddled hands up in the air, each letting out a seemingly easy laugh afterwards.

Maybe the prospect of new starts would work for him. Maybe the putting together the store, giving himself a job and a purpose, working with his two best friends around something that they all knew and loved would be good for him, set him in the right direction. Maybe once things were more okay with him, Carlos, and Kendall he would really be able to tackle what he needed to –or what he even could anymore- with Logan. Maybe what he needed was to just start over, completely. New goals, new life, new James. Yes, maybe that would help somehow, maybe it would serve as the numbing that he needed for now. At least until he had enough strength in him to face what he really needed to.


End file.
